Beauty from Pain
by The Lady Elizabeth
Summary: A story of survival, trust, and love. Stacey is forced to confront her abusive ex-boyfriend, who is still obsessively in love with her and will stop at nothing to have her for his own. Where Your Book Begins universe. CHAPTER 17: LOGAN
1. Fear of Parole

**Chapter One: Fear of Parole**

_Stacey_

_January 15_

Oh my _God_.

I closed my eyes, the cordless telephone still wrapped tightly up in my fingers. It was only once it started to beep loudly and obnoxiously that my eyes fluttered open and I raised the phone even to my face. I stared at it for a long, tense moment, willing it to ring again and have the previous caller laugh as she told me it was all one big, sick joke. Then I could hang up on her in self-righteous disgust.

Instead, I hit the red "end" button on the right hand side of the phone and set it down into the cradle with trembling fingers. I stared hard at my hand, this time focusing my seemingly nonexistent mental powers on it to stop, or at to calm down a little bit. Just enough so that I didn't look quite like I was losing my mind, which, I felt at that moment, I could very well be.

Sinking down onto the floor in the miniature atrium by our front door, I stared blankly up at the ceiling for a long time before sighing heavily and slowly beginning to take a survey of the items in the atrium. It would give my mind something to do, to think about categorizing items. It would make me think in terms of sorting, which was kind of like math, which always made me feel better. There was something so soothing and calming in working on a problem, an actual problem, where there was an actual, conventional solution that only needed to be figured out by following the rules.

Our atrium wasn't an atrium in the same sense of the atrium in the house of my friend Shannon's family. Both of our houses had walls directly across from the front door. Both of our houses had two different hallways, leading to each side of the house and connected in the back of the house. Both of our houses had a staircase which led up to the second floor of the house in the atriums. That's pretty much where the similarities end.

The Kilbourne family were millionaires while my family (my mother, who received alimony checks from my father, and I) were most decidedly not. The Kilbournes had this absolutely gorgeous marble floor that extended down both hallways and, I knew from experience, didn't end until you reached the living room when you took the right wing and didn't end until you reached another staircase, which led straight to the third floor. On the wide, sterile white wall across from the front door hung an antique, full length mirror. Surrounding the mirror were tiny little wooden frames, inside which were very simplistic Japanese artwork and characters. The stairs leading up to the second floor were wide and appeared to be carpeted in Oriental rug, but I think I remember Shannon telling me that the carpeting on the stairs was the one "mock" item in the atrium since the flow of traffic on those stairs was so heavy a real Oriental rug would've been destroyed way too soon and would've been a waste of money to have installed in such a fashion. Oh, and the Kilbournes also have a fountain with a naked statue of the goddess Venus pouring water from a bowl in that wide, open space as well.

Just from taking a category of the items in the Kilbourne home, I could feel my heart rate beginning to slow a little. I closed my eyes again. This was good. I needed to keep myself calm so that I could think rationally and logically. There was no sense in running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Which, _thank God_, I have never had to see before in my entire life and, with any luck at all, will never _have_ to see in my entire life. I sighed and let my eyes flutter open once more. Time to take stock of the McGill family atrium.

Ours was far simpler and _much_ more down to Earth compared to the Kilbourne family's atrium. Not that we really had much choice. Even if we had a million dollars, the little semi-room was too tiny to do very much with at all. Still, Mom and I didn't live like hogs or anything, so it wasn't like it was some disgusting, rotting mess.

The one thing that my mother is the proudest of in our house is our gorgeous hardwood floors. They were here when we bought the house, only we didn't know it on account of the fact that the previous owners hid them under ugly carpeting that Mom and I were too lazy to rip up for years. When we did, we found the hardwood and Mom went wild. Now, you can practically comb your hair in your reflection, she keeps all the floors so waxed and buffed. As if to show off our house and give off the impression of what good standing people lived here, the hardwood started right as soon as you walked through the front door and into the atrium, which is why Mom insists everyone take off their shoes as soon as they step inside and onto the welcome mat (two exceptions: if you're an infant or cannot walk under your own power).

The wall across from the front door isn't very wide at all, so we couldn't do much else to it besides hanging a framed, blown-up picture of Mom and I at my college graduation in the center, along with a handful of other, smaller pictures of Mom and I at other various functions and events scattered in a mostly orderly way around the wall. We repainted the wall a couple of years ago from the hideous maroon Mom had insisted on when we moved in to a more tolerable shade of forest green. Still, she had snuck in those wallpaper trimmings with little patterns of green and off-white on them.

Shoved up against our wall was the desk I used to keep at Dad's while I was still in high school and college. It's now mostly filled with bills, loose leaf papers, index cards, and tons of weird little odds and ends. On the top, though, it's always spic and span. There's the cordless phone and its base, a notepad, a pencil cup, and vase with a collection of somewhat dusty, dried out roses from a date Mom had been on years ago.

I sighed again and leaned my head against the wall of the hallway that led back into our kitchen. Mom wasn't home right now, and wouldn't be for another few hours, so she had no way of knowing that her only child was sitting on the floor next to the front door of her house, taking deep, soothing breaths, and trying not to have a completely meltdown. Again. I patted my thighs.

"Come on, Stacey," I murmured quietly, though I could've shouted for all anyone else could've heard. "Get up and _get a grip_. Maybe you're just overreacting."

Of course, almost the instant I said that, a gnawing little voice that I hadn't heard in years snapped to attention inside my head.

"_Overreacting? Don't be an idiot, McGill. Don't you remember the __**last**__ time you and Teddy met up?_" I groaned miserably.

After years of intense therapy, I had never worked up the courage to tell anyone about the development of this one little voice which always seemed to know me better than I knew myself. I figured that since it had never told me to do anything stupid like dive off the Empire State Building or crazy like take a hacksaw to one of my friends, I needn't mention the voice's existence. Besides, as much as I hated to admit it, it was usually right. I knew that it meant that I probably had schizophrenia or something, but I wasn't surprised, really, after everything I had been through.

"I remember perfectly well," I snapped. It was as though the voice had never recessed back into the deeper corners of my mind. "I'm just trying to remain calm so that I _don't_ turn into a babbling lunatic."

"_If I were you, honey, I'd rather be the babbling lunatic. After all, think about it. Teddy's out of jail now._" I winced, feeling an actual physical twinge of pain. "_You __**know**__ that you're the only thing that he's going to be thinking about now that he's out and you __**know**__ that you're the first thing he's going to be making a move for._"

"Let's just drop this," I muttered. "This really isn't something I want to think about right now."

"_Well, tough!_" the voice shouted and I felt my head rattle on the inside from the force of it. I closed my eyes, tighter than I had since I had first heard the news. "_**Listen**__, Stacey, you need to start acting and you need to start __**right now**__. You don't have any time to waste. If we know anything about Teddy, it's this: he doesn't waste any time getting what he wants._"

"Have I ever mentioned just how damned crazy I feel whenever you start talking in my head?" I whispered. I hung my head down so that my chin was pressing down against my chest.

"_Yeah, a few times_," the voice said, in a tamer tone. "_Come on now. Get off your ass and get __**up**__. We need to get to the drugstore and pick up some supplies. Hopefully, if we can finish everything before Mom gets home, she won't even have the chance to try and stop us from doing what we have to do it._"

"None of this is going to hurt, will it?" I asked, not moving. The voice laughed.

"_Only to your ego, blondie._"

**ONE**

"Hey, pretty girl._"_

_I looked around in alarm. None of the staff would think to call us names like that, especially those of us who were suffering from sexual assault and abuse, like I was. I could have whoever had just called me pretty sued. I could have them __**fired**__. I could have their license to practice medicine ripped away from them so fast that their head would spin. I could-_

_"_Easy there, killer. Don't go getting so bent out of shape. I just thought that I'd get your attention by drawing your attention back to the fact that you're pretty. I know you've been feeling anything _but_ lately._"_

_"Who are you?" I demanded. "__**Where**__ are you?"_

_"_I'm you and I'm inside of you_," the voice said calmly. I felt the sudden urge to crawl out of my own skin. I grabbed both sides of my hospital bed and held on with a white knuckled grip to make sure that I wouldn't try to do anything to act on that urge._

_"Stop playing games with me," I whimpered. After just being exposed to an email that had sent me reeling into a near comatose-like state of shock, the last thing I could handle were more games and more horrifying shocks. There was a sad little sigh._

_"_No, darling, I'm not playing any games with you. Everything I just told you was the honest to God truth_," the voice said. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt hot tears spill suddenly down my cheeks. I hadn't even been aware that they had been pooling in my eyes._

_"__**Why?**__"_

_"_Stacey, you _need_ me_." There was such a long period of silence that I opened my mouth to say something in reply, but the voice spoke first. "_You are a smart girl. Maybe you can look this all up once you get out of this place_."_

_"I probably ought to tell my doctors if I start hearing voices in my head," I retorted weakly. It was although the voice nodded in reply._

_"_Yes, but you won't tell on me because I'm you. I'm not some strange, bizarre new personality. I'm just a part of you who wants to help look out for you when you're not always able to_."_

_"So, how come you didn't come out when Teddy was hurting me?" I asked, venom in my voice. I was surprised at the rage I suddenly felt. "How come you didn't come to help me then?"_

_"_What could I have done?_" the voice asked. "_There's not much that a little voice can do in a place like that, is there?_" I shook my head slowly, feeling foolish. "_Don't worry about it, Stacey. I can help you now_."_

_"What can you do now?" I demanded. "I'm crazy."_

_"_No_," the voice snapped. "_You most certainly are not. The only crazy inside of you is the part of you that thinks you're crazy_." I blinked. "_Understand? Good. See, what we're going to work on together is how to build a new Stacey McGill who isn't afraid of Teddy Thomas and now, _very_ sadly, her own shadow_."_

_"How?"_

_"_That's where _I_ come in_." The voice was quiet and I waited. "_But, you have to promise to trust me, Stacey._"_

_"Trust a voice I hear in my head? That sounds kind of crazy to me, don't you think?"_

_"_It's all relative_."_

_I smiled. "Well, I don't suppose it would hurt. After all, as far as that bastard's concerned, the only place I have to go is up."_

**ONE**

The voice had been quiet ever since we had argued and bickered over what to purchase at the corner drugstore. I would've found it strange that the normally talkative voice was so sedate during this so important process, but I knew the reason why she was. It was because the voice was me, my own. The part of me that I had thought had been lost, but had really only just been thrown violently into the back recesses of my mind in shocked terror when Teddy had first lashed out at me with his fists. Since I didn't have much to say, or even much to think right now, it wasn't surprising that she didn't either.

I was watching TV, or at least staring at the screen and following the movement of colors with my eyes. I found that my ears weren't able to hear the sound on the television, but instead of finding that alarming, I only found it of vague interest. It was only something to glance at in passing, especially since I knew that there wasn't really anything wrong with my ears besides the roaring fear cascading down in my mind between them.

I stood up too quickly when a soft buzzer went off and upset the tray table in front of me. I had set a glass of water and half a peanut butter sandwich in front of me for an afternoon snack, but hadn't touched it. I knew I wouldn't be touching it when the water spilled over the wheat bread and soaked it through. I groaned in exasperation. I felt ill and clumsy, like I was too sick to stand or walk without the aid of another person. I sunk back down onto the couch again.

"_Come __**on**__, Stacey_," the voice urged gently. "_Let's go rinse that stuff out. At the very least, we have to turn off that alarm. It's going to make you completely crazy, you know, if you just sit there and listen to it._"

"I don't feel good," I admitted.

"_You need to eat something first then._"

I climbed to my feet once more and stood up without knocking anything over again. I started to clear up my mess then changed my mind. What was the point? Who cared how the house looked when a madman was stalking you?

"All right," I agreed and walked with unsteady feet back into our kitchen. Usually, I would've fixed myself something well balanced and healthy. Instead, I saw the peanut butter still sitting out from making my sandwich, walked over to it, unscrewed the top, and dipped two fingers into it deeply. Dragging out a wad of gooey brown peanut butter, I stuck it into my mouth and closed my eyes, savoring the sensation of behaving so irresponsibly. My voice cleared her throat.

"_Only one of those, I think_," she said warningly. I'm diabetic. It would be good if all the peanut butter I had just shoved into my mouth decided not too spike my sugar too severely. I nodded, feeling ashamed of myself. "_Now, into the shower and wash that dye out of your hair. Let's see how Stacey McGill looks like as a redhead._"

I never realized just how long it takes to rinse out all of the dye involved with dying one's hair, especially dying a darker color like the shade of auburn that I had selected from the shelf. Eventually, once the water ran clear again and once I had finally managed to stop sobbing hysterically at what looked like blood pouring down around me, I turned off the tap and stood stock still in the shower. Thus far, since entering the bathroom, maybe an hour or so ago, I had not only applied hair dye to my hair, but had also placed an order from a catalogue for brown tinted contact lenses. That ought to help me be less recognizable and less noticeable in a crowd instead of being the "blonde bombshell" who everyone who first met me assumed that I was.

I toweled myself off and looked in the mirror. It was interesting to see my face looking back at me, but with someone else's hair surrounding it. Luckily, it was still damp, so it wasn't so different looking from what I was used to seeing. I don't know if I could've stood the shock of immediately seeing a redheaded version of myself standing naked in my bathroom.

I sighed and wrapped a long, body length towel around myself. The temperature between the steamy bathroom and the chilly hallway made me suck in my breath as I opened the door and, for a moment, I almost shut the door and retreated back inside the warm bathroom. Suddenly, it felt a lot safer than venturing out into the hallway.

"Calm down, Stacey," I whispered to myself, clutching the towel firmly where it was clasped together under my arms. "You're at home, for God's sake."

I'd probably have to take some of my anti-anxiety pills. I still saw a therapist, though I only saw him every third week instead of twice a week, like I had to do immediately following the email Teddy sent to me that threw me into a nervous breakdown. My therapist still wrote me the prescription, but now for a lot less pills, to use if I felt especially panicked or distraught. Up until now, I was feeling really proud of the fact that I hadn't needed to swallow a single pill in nearly four months.

I'd have to call Dr. Stein and tell him that I was going to need a much larger prescription to be filled and that we were going to need to see one a lot more often once more.

In my bedroom, after closing and locking the door behind me, I dropped my towel to the ground and flung open my closet doors with something of intense aggravation. I wanted to take this out on something, but I had nothing _to_ take these rippling feelings of terror and panic on. So, I settled for ripping blouses and sweaters out of my closet, one by one, and throwing them to the other side of the room if I decided that I did not want to wear them.

In fifteen minutes, my closet was looking frighteningly bare, my room was a war zone of fashion labels, and my chest was heaving from exertion. I sunk down onto my knees and let out a sob. My voice said nothing, so I let myself continue to weep until my chest felt heavy and my eyes dry. I dropped my chin down to my chest again and closed my eyes weakly.

"This isn't getting any easier," I accused.

"_You're not even __**dressed**__ yet._"

"I need to call my mother."

"_**No!**__ Put on some clothes!_"

I sighed and nodded. The first piece of fabric my fingers closed around I picked up and looked at seriously. It was a loose, mint green button down blouse with tiny embroidered roses running down the middle on a slightly darker shade of green vines. It was conservative and, ironically, it was going to show off my freshly dyed hair wonderfully. I rolled my eyes. I'd wear it.

**ONE**

Waiting outside of Mary Anne Spier's office is an awkward place to be. She's a social worker now, who does a lot of private practice counseling, so her office is usually filled with an assortment of people who are down and out and clearly need her help. I felt out of place sitting there in my gold and brown designer coat and Calvin Klein sunglasses over my eyes. I looked like I ought to be waiting in an office where I would pay $200 for an hour instead of letting Medicare cover my appointment fees.

I swallowed tightly when a little girl wandered over to me. I adored little kids, I really did, but I suddenly felt my entire body tighten at the prospect of any stranger, even a four year old, approaching me. I closed my eyes for a moment and scolded myself for being such a basket case. The girl smiled at me and I obediently removed my sunglasses.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," I replied quietly.

"What's your name? Mine is Michelle."

"I'm Stacey," I told her. She grinned proudly, as though exchanging names with me was something of an accomplishment for me. I decided to try to relax and go along with her. "How old are you, Michelle?"

"I'm going to be four in three weeks," she said, holding up three fingers. I reached out and softly touched her hand. When she didn't pull away, I carefully pulled a fourth finger loose from the fist she was making.

"There. _That's_ four fingers," I told her with a smile.

"Well, how many fingers do _you_ have to hold up?" she asked, giving me a sassy little stare. I giggled softly.

"I don't have enough fingers to hold up," I admitted.

"You're _that_ old?" she asked.

"I'm ancient."

"My mom's really old, too," Michelle confided in me. "She's twenty. When we hold up all of our fingers together, Mom says, then we're how old she is."

I did the math. Michelle's mother was sixteen when she had her. "I'm a little older than your mom is."

"How old?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Why?"

"Ladies don't like to tell how old they are," I told her. Michelle's eyes widened and she glanced over at her mother, clearly worrying that she had just told me how old she was. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone how old your mom is." She smiled with relief then nodded. "OK. I'm twenty-six."

"_Whoa_," Michelle breathed, her eyes wide as china plates. I couldn't help but laugh. Suddenly, a very tired looking blonde girl was standing beside Michelle, clutching her hand tightly.

"I'm _really_ sorry that she's bothering you," the girl said. I shook my head.

"Michelle and I are becoming fast friends," I told her, giving Michelle a wide grin. Michelle returned it, glanced up at her mother, and the grin slid off her face.

Michelle's mother was skinny and looked like she didn't eat much. I could tell by the stains on her fingers and the smell of her body that she was a smoker and I was surprised that I hadn't been able to smell the scent on Michelle's hair and clothing. Maybe her mother had enough sense not to smoke around her little girl. Besides looking malnourished, the girl who already had a little girl also looked dead tired and worn down. Her eyes kept darting around like she was worried or nervous about something. Maybe she had a Teddy in her life, too.

She tugged at Michelle's hand. "Come on. Come sit down with me."

"But I want to talk to _Stacey!_" Michelle whined, gazing up at her mother with sudden tears in her eyes. An embarrassed blush began to heat my face and I looked away.

"_No!_" her mother snapped. "I don't want to argue with you. Come _on_."

She dragged Michelle back to where they had been sitting and I was lucky enough to have the door to Mary Anne's office open as they sat down.

"Stacey?" my best friend asked. "You can come in."

I grabbed my purse with both hands and practically raced inside the office, not looking back. Mary Anne shut the door behind me as I sank down gratefully in one of her cushy chairs. As she passed around me to sit across from me, I felt her give a lock of my hair a gentle tug.

"What happened to your head?" she asked with a laugh.

"It's Teddy," I blurted out, not bothering with small talk. Mary Anne's smile dropped off her face instantly and she paled. She'd met Teddy and seen what he was capable of, even though he hadn't ever hurt her directly. I swallowed tightly and went on. "He's out on parole now… _God, Mary Anne_. He's going to come for me, isn't he?"

Mary Anne was out of her chair and squatting down in front of me before I knew was happening. She took both of my hands in her own and stared up at me.

"Stacey, it's going to be _all right_. I _promise you_ that he will _not_ hurt you, ever again," she said. I felt hot tears start to roll down my face again. Damn it. I thought I had cried them all away.

"_Apparently not._"

"Mary Anne, I'm so _scared_," I whispered, ignoring the voice. "Please, you have to help me. Isn't there _something_ you can do?"

She shook her head. "Not really. I mean, we can help to _protect_ you, but we can't do anything to Teddy, if that's what you're thinking. Unless he violates the restraining order, he can't go back to prison or anything."

"How are you going to _protect_ me?" I asked through my tears. Maybe Mary Anne was some kind of a magician because there was suddenly a tissue in her hand and it was suddenly wiping at the streams of tears running down my face. "_How?_"

Mary Anne looked down for a minute before looking back at me. "Logan and I talked about it when we moved into the farmhouse. We knew that one day Teddy was going to be released from prison and that one day you were going to need to be protected. I mean, he already knows where your mother lives, Stacey." I whimpered and she squeezed my hands tighter. "You can't stay there."

"_I can't live alone_," I gasped. The very thought of it sent my heart racing. If I was alone, it wouldn't be any challenge whatsoever for Teddy to come and do whatever he damn well pleased to me. "He'll _find_ me and he'll… _he'll_…"

"_Stacey!_" Mary Anne snapped, jerking me away from the thoughts which were beginning to make me hysterical. "_Stop it_. You have to stay calm right now."

I nodded. "I know. I'm sorry, it's just so _hard_."

"I know," she whispered. "Listen, though. This is important. Logan and I agreed that when the day came that Teddy was out of prison that we would have you move into the farmhouse with us."

I shook my head. "I couldn't ask you to do that."

Mary Anne laughed and I felt a smile creep unwillingly onto my face as she did. "You didn't _ask_, Stacey. I _invited_ you. No, actually, I am _demanding_ that you come and stay with us. Think about it. Logan is a cop. What better place for you to be than living with two of your best friends, one of whom happens to be a police officer?"

"You'd do that for me?"

She smiled. "Of course we would. Besides, there's so much room in that house, we need another person living there. I mean, we want to fill it up with kids, but I want to get my Masters before we start doing that."

I laughed. "When are you going to get your Masters?"

"Whenever I can find the time and money to get away from my practice a little bit," she told me with a groan. "Which, will probably never happen, so you're going to be the closest thing to a baby in our house for a long time."

"Gosh, thanks."

Mary Anne laughed. "So, it's settled? You're going to move in with us?"

I nodded once more, suddenly feeling sad. "Yeah, but I have to figure out how to tell my mother. She's going to be crushed."

"We could cook her dinner tonight," Mary Anne suggested. "I mean, Logan and I could come over and make her favorite recipe and we could help you explain why you have to move out."

"She'll understand," I said quietly. "It'll just crush her that her only child has to leave her just to be safe."

Mary Anne released my hands to wrap me in a hug. "I'm _so_ sorry, Stacey."

"Thanks," I whispered into her natural brown hair and let myself start to cry once more. I also let Mary Anne hold me until I slumped weakly into her chair and she called Logan, who was off that day, to come and pick me up so that I wouldn't have to try and drive home on my own.

I closed my eyes on the drive home and pretended to be asleep so that I wouldn't have to answer any more questions. I wondered all the while what kind of guy Michelle's mother was scared of and if he was anything like Teddy. I wondered how many Teddy's there really were, out there in the world, making so many women and children's lives completely miserable.

I fell asleep on the couch the moment Logan left my house.


	2. What We Planned and What We Didn’t

**Chapter Two: What We Planned and What We Didn't**

_Logan_

_January 15_

"I can't _believe_ you just volunteered us to cook dinner for Stacey and her mother," I snapped, my fingers knuckle-white around the steering wheel as I drove my girlfriend and I to the little food market she insisted on shopping from instead of the big, chain supermarket that I preferred. "We can barely make a decent pot of coffee between the two of us, Mary Anne."

She sighed and shook her head. "Logan, you know perfectly well that isn't true. I can make a mean chicken tetrazzini."

"Yeah, when you buy it frozen and pop it into the oven," I reminded her.

"What is _your_ problem?" she demanded.

_My problem?_ Honestly, I didn't really know. I mean, in all honesty, the idea of having one of my girlfriend's best friends move in with us once her psychotic ex-boyfriend got out of jail was mine. Maybe it was all of the testosterone speaking or the gun that spent so much time holstered to my waist, but I felt that I owed it to our childhood friend to do everything in my power to protect and watch over her. I glanced at Mary Anne quickly before refocusing back on the road.

"Nothing, Mary Anne."

"Well, there's _something_ wrong with you," she said shortly, beginning to sound annoyed with me. "All I know is that you had _better_ get over it by the time we get over to the McGill's. Stacey told me that she waited to call her mother to let her know what was going on until after she had finished most of the packing so that she wouldn't have Mrs. McGill hanging over her and sobbing miserably the whole time."

"Are they going to be crying the whole time?" I asked, feeling a little uneasy. I'm not the kind of guy to feel especially uneasy around crying women- I'm not afraid of them and I don't rush to do anything they ask me to just to keep them from shedding another tear. It's just that I knew exactly why Mrs. McGill and Stacey would be so upset and, since I had to admit that I was starting to feel frustration well inside of my chest as well, I was just worried that I might say or do something to make everyone's evening even worse than it was already going to be.

"If it's going to worry you that much, don't come," Mary Anne snapped and unbuckled her seatbelt in record speed as I pulled into a parking spot in front of the market. She was out of the truck in a heartbeat and I had to jog to lock up and catch up to her. When I did, she froze and stared up at me, her breath icy in the mid-winter air. "Don't you _dare_ make this any harder on them than it needs to be."

She spun on her heel and marched into the store, neglecting to pick up a basket on her way in. To make up for it, I grabbed two, one in each hand, and followed at a safe range behind her. For nearly ten minutes or so, she simply stalked around the various aisles, pretending to look at the various products, but setting each one down with such little interest that I knew she was barely seeing anything that she was looking at.

Gradually, her fury cooled and her pace fell back to normal. I picked up my pace and caught up to her. Glancing down into my girlfriend's face, I could see that her eyes were bloodshot from crying. Pushing both baskets into one hand, I swung my other arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She melted against me, burying her face against my coat.

"I'm sorry," she moaned.

I nodded wordlessly. There wasn't really any point in saying anything. We had already had similar fights before this, concerning Stacey and what it was going to be like with her living with us. How it would undoubtedly be difficult on her and her mother to be separated, especially since they had grown so close in the years since Stacey's parents divorced. Mary Anne always accused me of underestimating the strong bond of their relationship and what a strain it would be on Stacey to leave her mother's side for the first time in her life. I always countered back with telling Mary Anne that she was grossly underestimating _Stacey's_ strength and what she would be capable of, even if she had to endure what would, in _her_ life, seem like nothing but a minor inconvenience.

"Let's just get what we need and get out of here," she finally mumbled, pulling out of my arms, but holding onto my hand nonetheless.

I followed her wordlessly throughout the store, letting her toss things into both of our baskets, not saying anything when she tossed in items that I knew were too expensive or that we weren't going to use. I wondered if Mary Anne was even paying attention to what she was buying anyways.

I made sure to slip in the necessary items like tomatoes and herbs to make sauce so that we wouldn't show up with an armful of random things that Mary Anne had unseeingly thrown into her shopping basket.

I had to cringe when the cashier gave us the final amount and it was lucky that Mary Anne was studying the display of cigarettes behind the girl, who looked about twelve. I glanced over at my girlfriend.

"Mary Anne?" She jumped. "Are you coming?"

"Um. Um, hold on, Logan." Fishing deep into her tight jean pockets, which normally would've drove me wild had we each not already been in foul moods, she pulled out a wad off crumpled bills. "I want a pack of cigarettes." The cashier raised a carefully plucked eyebrow. "And a lighter? _What?_"

"What kind of cigarettes do you want?" the girl asked, her face an amazing combination of exasperation and boredom mingled into one expression. "There's, like, a hundred different kinds back there."

Mary Anne glanced at me, her eyebrows raised expectantly. I shook my head, completely thrown off balance.

"You don't smoke!" I told her instead of offering advice as to what brand she ought to buy. She scowled then stabbed her finger towards a slender, silver package with a pink stripe running down the side. How feminine. Go figure.

"Those," she muttered. She then plucked a lighter from the display on the counter and slapped it down as well. "Here."

"$5.26."

After Mary Anne paid for her cigarettes and her lighter and we had finally left the tiny market store and were back in my truck, I turned to stare at her. She was fumbling around with the lighter, trying to get the cigarette lit. I sighed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm nervous, too," she said quietly.

"Honey, you don't smoke," I told her gently, trying my best to sound understanding and sympathetic. Mary Anne narrowed her eyes and glared at me.

"Logan, just leave me alone, all right?" she snapped. I threw my hands into the air in exasperation. "For God's sake, _please_, let's just go back home!"

She tossed the unlit cigarette out the window and rolled it back up to lean her forehead against the cold glass. "I don't feel so great."

"Me, neither," I agreed before starting the engine.

**TWO**

"Thanks for coming over," Stacey said quietly, a shy smile on her face.

I smiled back at her. Mary Anne and Mrs. McGill were in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on dinner while Stacey and I volunteered to make sure that the living room stayed neat and clean. So far, so good.

"It's really no problem at all," I told her. "After all, we all know how hard this move is going to be for you."

Stacey looked away quickly, her bright blue eyes leaving mine to focus instead on the stack of boxes sitting next to the front door. They were the last items that we needed to move tonight, like her bedding and towels. The rest of her things, like her summer clothing and furniture, we were going to be moving over starting tomorrow and over a more gradual time period. After all, we already had the basic furniture she needed, so she really only needed to bring her necessities tonight, which is why I was a little baffled by the stack of boxes waiting to be loaded into the truck. I cleared my throat.

"You're bringing a lot of things over tonight," I said awkwardly. Would that make her think that I wanted her to bring less? Would she worrying that she had forgotten something and try to squeeze another box onto the truck? God, would she freak out and tell Mary Anne what I said and I'd have to look both of them in the eye and listen while they explained that women, unlike men, needed a little more than a toothbrush to survive the night away from their home?

Stacey nodded, thankfully snapping me from my thoughts. "Well, I figured that I'd start decorating my bedroom tonight, too." When I didn't respond immediately, a concerned look flashed onto her face. "If you don't mind."

"Oh, no, I don't care," I told her quickly, fearing an attack of tears. "I just didn't think you'd feel up to doing much tonight and would probably just want to go to sleep after we set up your bed."

Stacey shrugged. "I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. If I'm stressed out, I sometimes spend the entire night awake." She raised a hand to begin chewing on her thumbnail. "Either that or I have nightmares."

"Nightmares?" I asked cautiously.

Stacey's eyes filled with tears and I could immediately tell that I had just tapped into something deeply painful and emotional for her. She stared into my own eyes helplessly for a moment before nodding and looking down.

"Yeah… they can get pretty… intense…."

"It's all right," I murmured, reaching out to hold her hand. I was surprised to find that her hand was ice cold and trembling, so I quickly took them both and began to rub them between mind, trying to warm her up. "Stacey, please don't cry."

"You're going to want to kick me out right away," she predicted morbidly and I sighed.

Mary Anne had already warned me about this. She had already warned me that Stacey would try and make herself become the most unattractive candidate to live in our home so that she could stay where she was, where she was comfortable, even if she wasn't safe where she was. It was only fear, I knew, but that didn't mean that I didn't feel a pang of discomfort when she threatened me with that.

"I'm sure we can figure out a way to make this work," I told her firmly.

"Dinner's ready!" Mrs. McGill chirped happily from the dining room and I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. Still holding Stacey's cold hands, I walked her through the kitchen and into the McGill family dining room, where Mrs. McGill and Mary Anne were standing beside the table, looking extremely proud of themselves. I handed Stacey off to her mother and Mary Anne clasped my hand instantly. Hers were warm and soft in mine.

"Everything all right?" she murmured into my ear, leaning towards me as we all sat down. I nodded slightly and she gave me a wide smile. "Good."

"This looks really good, guys," Stacey said, sinking down into the chair across from mine. "I know it's only pasta, but I'm sure that it must've taken hours for the two of you to make."

Mary Anne smiled wryly as she sat down beside me. "Oh, funny, Stace. It's not like you're some genius in the kitchen yourself, you know."

"I've never set anything on fire in there," she pointed out.

I snorted laughter into my napkin as Mary Anne shot me a dirty look and Mrs. McGill grinned broadly, looking around at her small group of diners. Stacey just smiled and shrugged at Mary Anne, as if to say that the better woman had won and that Mary Anne should just concede gracefully. I reached across the table to pick up the serving spoon in the pasta pot before the two girls could continue making fun of one another.

"I am starving," I said pointedly. Mrs. McGill settled back into her chair, looking a little ill at ease suddenly. I glanced at her, catching her eyes, and when she realized that I saw her discomfort, she shot me a winning smile. I returned it, feeling not so great once more. "I can't wait to start eating."

"It's not like you practically are already," Mary Anne laughed, picking up the salad bowl and passing it to Mrs. McGill.

"Silence, woman," I commanded gruffly and the three women at the table bristled, though I could tell each of them were trying to contain laughter.

"Don't be such a chauvinistic pig, Logan," Mrs. McGill scolded and Mary Anne smiled at me in perfect understanding.

In the past few years, Mrs. McGill and I have grown closer than I had ever expected us to. Four years ago, in July, when my parents received the news that my paternal grandmother was dying of cancer, Dad got it into his head that instead of just renting a place to stay out there for a while until she passed, he was going to up and move the whole family to Virginia for good. Since I was already out of college and had already grown deep roots in Stoneybrook (there was my then three-year relationship with Mary Anne, not to mention the close friendships I had and the new job at the precinct that I had just begun), I declined to come with them. Somehow, Mrs. McGill took over as my surrogate mother.

I had always thought that I would grow close with Mary Anne's stepmother, who was, in every practical way, Mary Anne's mother. After all, Mary Anne and I have known one another for nearly fourteen years now and have dated for eight of those years.

What's funny is that I can never imagine myself calling her anything but Mrs. McGill, no matter how close or how much I love her. She's always going to be Mrs. McGill to me, even if she were tucking me into bed at night and reading me a bedtime story.

Stacey's laughter broke through my thoughts and I smiled slowly, not quite sure where their conversation had led.

"Logan, you always space out whenever someone insults you," she laughed. "Is that some kind of a defensive mechanism?"

"I guess," I replied.

I decided to start eating instead of continuing that thread of conversation. I knew where it would undoubtedly end up and I knew that Stacey would undoubtedly end up in tears. That's because "spacing out" was her form of coping and escaping from what she perceived as threats. I could tell by the look in her eye as I pushed a twist of bowtie pasta and creamy cheese sauce into my mouth that she was thinking the exact same thing. Mrs. McGill's hand rested on top of hers and squeezed gently, effectively snapping Stacey out of her thoughts. Stacey returned to her plate, but without much enthusiasm.

"We cleaned up the bedroom at the end of our hall," Mary Anne said suddenly, after she finished chewing on whatever it was she had in her mouth. That's my girl, always the polite, well-mannered one. Why she ever picked me in the first place, I'll never really know.

Stacey blinked. "The yellow room." Mary Anne nodded. "Oh. Wow, _thanks_. That's a really big room."

"Well, it's not like we were really using it for much," Mary Anne said with a shrug.

The yellow bedroom at the end of our hall was where we had kept our old childhood and adolescent memories. We stored all of our old yearbooks, graduation gowns, report cards, art projects, everything. It was actually pretty full of things, but since Mary Anne liked to organize her memories, the room was neat and something of a laugh to the rest of our friends, who couldn't imagine having such a room in their own places. I suppose, though, the rest of our friends also couldn't really imagine living in the house that we were living in.

About a year after my parents left and my grandmother died, my great-aunt Helen also died. However, unlike my grandmother who passed everything to my grandfather, my great-aunt Helen didn't have a husband or any children to pass her estate onto. So, she decided to pass everything onto her favorite family member: me. I was completely floored when the lawyer told me the extent of my great-aunt's estate and precisely what I was inheriting.

Though the money she left behind I still haven't touched (she left it in a trust fund that I cannot open until I am thirty years old), the old farmhouse just outside of Stoneybrook was mine to move into as soon as it was cleaned out or as soon as I felt like moving in. Mary Anne, who was crazy with excitement over what seemed to her like some kind of a mystery or something, insisted that we have a copy of the keys to the house that very day so that we could take a look at what the place looked before anything was even touched or moved from its original position. I tried to explain to her that my great-aunt Helen was no stranger to modern technology, but Mary Anne wouldn't hear a word of it.

Now, of course, Mary Anne and I have moved into the farmhouse and it's settled into our home. Though there are more rooms than we honestly know what to do with, especially since there aren't any children running around there yet, it's cozy and it's ours.

"Right, Logan?"

"Hm? What?"

I blinked guiltily at Mary Anne, who gave me one of her pretend frowns. She shook her head and smiled at Stacey and Mrs. McGill as if to say "men!"

"I said that we could move the things from the yellow room downstairs into the little room in the basement."

Oh, that's right. There are actually two rooms in the basement. They were there when we moved in, but since it was too damp and dark to use the basement for anything, the first thing we did with the house was to have the basement finished. So, now, besides having the laundry room downstairs, there's just this little spare room where we kept empty boxes and plastic bags that we need for moving things around or if we need to help our friends move things around.

Stacey smiled and shook her head. "I still can't get over the fact that you guys live in a house that has seven bedrooms," she said. "I mean, that's so cool."

"Yeah, but there's only two full bathrooms," Mary Anne pointed out. "If we have kids, there are going to be raging battles for the bathrooms."

"Well, if you have a ton of kids like the Brewer-Thomas clan," Stacey giggled. "Or, the Pikes. I mean, if you keep it short and sweet, like just two or something, then there won't be too many battles."

"We only had three kids in our family and sometimes my mother would scream at us to stop acting out World War Three around the bathroom," I argued.

Mrs. McGill laughed. "You're going to have problems with any number of kids concerning the bathroom unless you either have just one kid or one bathroom per child."

Mary Anne snorted. "We're not building a new bathroom every time I get pregnant."

"Better only get you pregnant once," I said.

"Nice," she grumbled, rolling her eyes.

Everyone laughed and continued talking until the phone rang. Stacey excused herself hurriedly and raced to the phone to answer it. We kept talking, though in a somewhat hushed and careful manner, watching Stacey out of the corner of our eyes. Gradually, the smile slipped from her face and she grew pale. Mrs. McGill got to her feet and started to make her way to Stacey when Stacey said goodbye and hung up. The silence in the room felt like another person, it was so tangible.

"Honey?" Mrs. McGill finally answer softly. Stacey started, looking as though she had forgotten the rest of us were in the room.

"Teddy took his things and left just now," she said in a whisper. Mary Anne fumbled for my hand. "So, he's officially out of jail now."

"Oh, sweetheart," Mrs. McGill gasped and scooped Stacey into her arms as the redhead burst into gasping sobs.

Mary Anne squeezed my hand and looked at me. "Logan…"

"Do you want to leave?" I whispered.

Her face changed from uncertainty to disbelief in an instant. "_What?_ How can you _ask_ that?"

"I _just_ thought that-"

"_No, Logan!_" she snapped and pulled away from me. Before I could grab hold of her hand again, she was over with the McGill's and holding onto Stacey as well. I sat awkwardly at the table and stared down at the remains of our dinner.

Sometimes, things just didn't go the way they were supposed to go at all.

**TWO**

"I still can't _believe_ you said that!"

I groaned. "You looked _upset_, Mary Anne! I thought that you wanted to get out of there and give them some space!"

Mary Anne slammed the books she had in her arms down onto our kitchen table. "_What_ would give you that idea? _When_ have I _ever_ done that?"

"God, Mary Anne, would you _just get over it_ already?" She opened her mouth to retorted, but I held up my hand quickly. "Do you want me to just say I'm sorry? Will that make you happy?"

"You just want to make me happy?" she asked, her voice rising in pitch. God. Now she was really getting upset. "You really don't want to understand why I'm upset, you _just_ want to shut me up!"

"I _just_ want you to calm down," I told her. "You're not listening to a word I'm saying anyways, so I just don't want to do this right now."

She looked away from me and crossed her arms over her chest. I could tell that she was angry by the way her jaw was working and grinding. Her face was even red from trying to hold back whatever red hot remark she was dying to say. Finally, she looked back at me.

"I'm sleeping downstairs tonight," she declared.

I sighed. "Mary Anne, come on…"

"No, I just can't be near you right now," she said, pulling away when I tried to rest a hand on her shoulder. "Please, Logan."

I stared at her for a long minute then nodded. "Fine, Mary Anne. _Fine_. If _that's_ the way you want it."

Before she could get another word in, I turned and stomped away from her.

I _knew_ she had a point. I was even willing to admit that I could've been a little more sensitive at that moment, but I was also upset that she couldn't listen to what I had to say. The further I got from her, the more I realized that it would be better anyways if she stayed downstairs tonight.

Sleeping apart tonight was the first good idea I had heard all day long.


	3. Not the Same as the Real Thing

**Chapter Three: Not the Same as the Real Thing**

**WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of rape, violence against women, coarse language, and other possibly objectionable material. Please read with caution.**

_Teddy_

_February 1_

_Anastasia, or **Stacey** as she likes to be called now, McGill is the one true love of my life. _

_Honestly, I never have been one of those queer, gushing guys who go __**on and **__**on**__ about how this girl or that one is the only girl in the world for him and how he'll die if he can't have her. I'm __**not**__ a romantic. I never have been and I never __**will**__ be, but something about her always makes me feel like a complete idiot. Whenever her face floats into my mind, which is __**very**__ often, I feel exactly like one of those guys, and sometimes it really pisses me off that she has such a strangely wonderful hold on me._

_The only trouble is that she's not actually __**in**__ my life._

_When we were younger, and involved in what was then a __**perfect**__ relationship with one another, we got into a disagreement about the proper role of women (I believe that a woman's place is silent and by her man's side while Stacey believes that women have the "right" to say and do as they please) and things rapidly spun out of control. Before I knew what was happening, Stacey was breaking up with me and I was trying to show her that her reasoning was actually quite a big mistake. She started to yell when I pushed her, lightly, and suddenly I was being hauled away by the police. As they dragged me from the room, she was sobbing on the ground, like I had __**actually hurt her.**_

_It was misunderstanding after misunderstanding after that. My father advised me to leave her alone and told me that she was nothing but __**white trash**__ anyways, so I might as well not bother because he and my mother would never approve of a marriage between Anastasia and me. Still, I had to try and make things right, but when I did, her friends actually had the nerve to attack me and then call the police on me as though I had done something wrong. It's __**laughable**__, really._

_Now, though. Now it's hard to fit my mouth around any kind of laughter, especially after what that __**feminist bitch lawyer**__ of Stacey's parents did to me in court. Not only did they have to try to make me look like some kind of evil freak who was stalking some girl who didn't want him within miles of her instead of her ex-lover who she was having some communication problems with, but they petitioned for and managed to get me sent to court on several assault charges and several counts of attempted rape._

_As though __**I**__ would ever need to rape the woman who I loved._

_That was before prison._

**THREE**

"_Thomas!_"

I hurried up to the collection window, eager to gather my things and get the hell out of that place. My father had sent a car and a driver to come and pick me up. I had every intention of leaving the driver at the first bus station with enough cash to catch a bus his own way home.

"Yo, _Teddy Bear_, are you leaving?" a gruff, mocking voice asked with a laugh. Had it been early on, I would've cringed, but prison teaches you soon enough not to cringe when someone says something as stupid as that. I whirled around and looked my mocker up and down slowly.

"Not soon enough," I growled.

"Aw, how cute!" the huge, nearly 300 pound man named Jose "Bigs" Verde cried, clasping his hands together. "_Teddy-Bear's_ decided to grow some balls on his last day here, just as he's leaving this joint."

Seething, I turned back to the collections window and snatched the orange eight by eleven folder up from the counter. I could feel the outline of my Rolex and my wallet inside and breathed a sigh of relief. With any luck, my cash might still be in there and I'd be able to give the driver his money without having to use the new ATM card in my front pocket. The card was attached to the new account my father had opened in joint with me so that I could move around right away after leaving prison without having to worry about cash flow. After all, my own accounts had been frozen and my cards didn't work anymore. Once I could get into a bank, I could fix things and straighten them back out again, but until then, I was stuck looking like another rich, daddy's boy.

"What's Richie Rich got in _there?_" one of Bigs's friends asked, making a grab for the envelope. I jerked it away from him quickly and heard the guard at the window squawk in protest.

"_None of that!_"

"_Come on!_ We just want to _see_ what he had when they brought him in," Bigs said calmly. He smiled politely at me and held out his hand as though I was supposed to hand him the envelope. I started to back up, feeling more than a little panicked and annoyed. This was my last day. Didn't I get _one_ free day here?

Luckily, a couple of guards wandered in just then and were immediately able to sense the mood in the room. Bigs cleared his throat meaningfully and backed away.

"Well, _Teddy-Bear_, have a good life on the outside," he said conversationally, as though that's what we had been doing this whole time. I thinned my lips into what I hoped passed as some form of a smile.

"Same for you, Bigs."

One of the guards escorted me to a locker room where I was finally able to change back into the street clothes I had been wearing when I was brought here (an Armani suit and shoes). It felt good to be wearing something other than the standard issue prison garb for the first time in years and even better to be wearing something of quality. I sighed with pleasure as I smoothed out the wrinkles that years in storage had brought to my poor suit.

"Come on, Mr. Thomas," the guard escort said, sounding annoyed. I followed him wordlessly. There was no point in saying anything more to the people in this prison, now that I was only yards from being a free man.

The sun and its heat were stifling. I almost gasped in shock and took a step back inside the cool prison, which I suppose I hadn't even realized was air-conditioned. Instead, I slipped my sunglasses over my eyes and quickly screened the parking lot, where there were only a handful of used cars (undoubtedly driven by the guards and other employees) and a sleek black BMW which I knew my father had sent along for me. I grinned.

"That'll be for me," I told my escort. The guard shrugged.

"Whatever," he said and stepped back into the doorway of the prison to shield himself from as much of the heat of the day as he could. I rolled my eyes from behind my glasses then marched deliberately towards the car. Feet away from it, the driver's door swung open and my mouth dropped open in shocked surprise.

"Jennifer?"

"Teddy!" the brunette who had been sitting in the car squealed and raced around the front of the car to throw herself bodily at me. Not completely expecting such a warm embrace, I staggered backwards a few steps, earning a happy laugh from her. "Wow, look at how _thin_ you are! Prison must be some kind of a diet, huh? Think I ought to try it?"

I grabbed her elbow, yanked open the passenger seat door, and pushed down inside a little harder than was probably necessary. She blinked up at me in surprise.

"I think one Thomas kid in prison is enough for this generation, don't you?" I asked, shutting the door before she had the chance to answer. The moment it was closed, I glared up at the sky.

My moronic father sent my _little sister_ to pick me from prison!

**THREE**

_"Oh, wow, Teddy," Anastasia breathed in awe. She reached her hand back behind her, fumbling for mine and I caught it after letting her search for a moment. I liked to keep my girls just a little bit needy at first, but not desperate. "This is __**amazing**__."_

_"I __**told you**__ I was capable of being a romantic," I told her smugly._

_At this altitude, Anastasia's hair was being carried around by the wind. It was amazing, really, that it wasn't being whipped around, like it had been with the few other girls that I had taken up here to make out with. Their hair had caught around their faces and clogged into their own mouths- it was disgusting. Anastasia's hair, on the other hair, floated around her like she was some kind of perfectly blessed angel whose hair obeyed her every wish and thought. I swallowed as she nodded and smiled warmly at me._

_"You __**are**__, I know, I just thought you were making it up about how __**beautiful**__ it is up here," she told me before falling silent ago. Perched on the hood of the chair, her breasts were outlined perfectly each time a gust of wind picked up and blew her shirt back towards her back. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her, but since we hadn't gone that far yet, I knew that she would probably become upset if I did. She smiled at me again. "You've managed to amaze and surprise me yet again, Teddy Thomas. I swear, you really have a knack for doing these kinds of things up your sleeve."_

_"Well, don't __**tell**__ anyone, cutie," I murmured, reaching out to pull her down closer to me. Anastasia giggled at the comment that she normally would've scoffed at. "I've got a reputation to worry about."_

_"Teddy, can I ask you something __**really**__ serious?" she asked quickly, pulling away from me and looking concerned. My first thought was to fly into rage. She was seeing someone else. She wanted to break up with me. Instead, I closed my eyes for a moment before nodded._

_"Of course," I said as gently and with as much understanding as I could muster._

_"All right," she said softly. "See, Teddy, I've been worrying about this for a while now and… well, I'm just going to put it out there. I'm only eighteen. You're almost twenty-two. Don't you think that I'm just __**too young**__ for you?"_

_"You want to break up?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level and calm._

_"__**Not at all**__," Anastasia said suddenly, grabbing onto my hand. In my surprise, I let her. "__**No**__, Teddy, that's __**not at all**__ what I'm trying to do or say. I'm just worried that you're dating someone too young and immature for you and that you can't __**possibly**__ be having as much fun as I am with this relationship. I mean, there's no way that I'm anywhere near capable of providing the mental stimulation that you need in a relationship, especially since I'm nearly __**three years**__ younger than you are."_

_She just stared at me with those perfectly wide blue eyes. Her expression was that of concern and worry, like this was something that had been keeping her awake at night. Who knew? Maybe it __**was**__ something that had been keeping her up. She was a sweet, adorable little thing, after all, the kind of girl who actually seemed to give a damn about whether or not her boyfriend was happy with her. I had to admit that made my attachment to her shoot up through the roof right at that moment._

_I squeezed her hand gently. "Anastasia, I think that you are __**absolutely perfect**__. You're funny and smart and absolutely gorgeous and I really don't think that three years makes __**any**__ difference between us." I kissed the back of her hand and her face went still and quiet. "Do __**you**__ think there's a difference, or were you just worrying?"_

_"Teddy, I was just __**worried**__," she whispered. "I can't help but worry all the time, you know? I mean, I've __**only**__ been here for a couple of weeks and this amazing senior has already taken a __**huge**__ interest in me. What's __**not**__ to worry about?"_

_"Well, honey, don't worry about us not having anything in common." I looked back out over the pond where my car parked next to. Anastasia quickly followed my lead and my heart beat a little faster. She was adorable. "Do you think I'd keep asking you out if I didn't think that we could go somewhere? That this relationship was going somewhere, someplace special?"_

_She shook her head. "I guess not. Sorry."_

_I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Don't apologize, honey. You never have to apologize for worrying. That's just plain silly."_

_"Yeah, you're right."_

_"Now, if you were to crash my car into this pond…"_

_"__**Waaaah!**__" she fake-cried like Lucy did on the __I Love Lucy__ TV show. "__**Ricky!**__"_

_I laughed and kissed the top of her head again. God, she was __**perfect**_

**THREE**

We drove for about a half hour before my little sister started to squirm miserably in her seat. I glanced over at her.

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you?" I demanded.

"What the _hell_ do think, _genius?_" she snapped. "I have to pee!"

"_Fuck_."

"Oh, don't _swear_. You sound like an old, drunken sailor when you do, not some _uber-hip yuppie_, like I'm sure you're trying to."

"_Shut up, Jen_, and I'll try to find you a gas station where you won't catch too many crabs by sitting on the toilet seat," I snapped. "Not that they wouldn't all die anyhow from all of the clap you've got down there."

She laughed and pinched my upper arm fondly. "You know, I've _missed_ this. I _really_ have. I mean, Mom's been all _doom and gloom_ ever since you got sent to prison and Jimmy got sent to rehab after Dad discovered his stash and his Playboys under his mattress. Only Josh has been normal and I think that's only because he's ten and Nicole's son."

My father had an affair with his secretary, who refused to keep the baby on the grounds that he supposedly got her drunk first and slipped something into her drink. So, even though she had slept with him once willingly before that, Nicole was the victim of my dad's weird little sex fantasies. Unfortunately that meant that poor Mom was stuck raising some other woman's child (though the baby was still Dad's) and Josh hasn't really been very close with her, to say the least.

"I forgot about good old Jimmy!" I laughed. "I didn't realize that he was still living at home."

Jen nodded. "Up until three months ago when the mattress was flipped and out flew the smack and the naked chicks."

"You weren't one of those naked chicks, were you?"

"Ew, Teddy!" she gasped and punched me. Hard. A lot harder than girls really have the right to punch. "I know our family's screwed up and everything, what with you going to jail after stalking that girl and me having to talk to Dr. Philip every week about why I could possibly have wanted to down a bottle of Tylenol and wash it down with a bottle of Smirnoff, but _come on!_ We're not _so_ _weird_ that my big brother jacks off to pictures of me naked, are we?"

"I wouldn't be surprised."

"What, about him or about me?"

"There's a gas station," I said. "You said you had to pee."

"Nice try, but that doesn't get you out of answering that question. It only means that you managed to try and weasel your way out of it, which is even sneakier _and_ dirtier."

"I'm going to drive _really_ slow, so try to get in there and pee fast, all right?" I asked, flinging open her door after I came to a stop. She smiled at me, her teeth two rows of dental perfect white.

"You're _such_ a gentleman."

"Get running, Jenny-poo."

She hopped out of the car and flipped me the finger as she did so. "_And_ after I decided to spend the day picking up your sorry ass instead of doing something more fun like watching Mom stick her head in the oven or grandpa screaming at the new hired help to start speaking English or he'll fire them."

"Ah, home sweet home."

In the end, I decided to be a good big brother and didn't pull away as she came trotting from the gas station, her pockets stuffed with the things she had somehow managed to steal right out from under their noses.

**THREE**

A few weeks later and Dad managed to pull some strings to get me a job in Stamford, Connecticut. It was close to where _she_ was, maybe _too_ close, so I could satisfy the need to know where she _was_ and to almost be able to feel her movements under my feet like I was an animal hunting his prey.

Only, I hated thinking that way. I hated that part of me. I hated thinking like an animal, or rather thinking of getting her back like an animal. I ought to be thinking of flowers and chocolates, but instead all I thought about was cornering her someplace dark where I could smell the fear dripping off her. Taking her for my own while she had no where to run and nobody to call for help. Oh, she could scream, I found that I rather liked the way she screamed, the more often I replayed it in my head in prison.

So, here I was, wearing a suit and tie, pretending to be a normal, well-adjusted thirty year old man instead of a man who was little more than a predator eagerly awaiting the moment when his prey would show her lovely face.

"Excellent work on that report, Thomas."

I looked up from my desk. I had been staring off into space, at this small dent in the otherwise blemish-free office wall, focusing my energy into it as I forced myself to hold down my hostile and aggressive thoughts. I smiled at my boss.

"Thanks," I told her in a friendly voice. Not too friendly. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea and start suspecting me of starting to stalk her, especially since it was a must that she knew about my dubious past, but I still wanted to let her know that I was grateful for her time and for her encouragement.

She smiled. "I really do mean it, Theodore. I've been working here for longer than I care to admit and, _frankly_, not many people put as much effort into their reports as you did with yours." She leaned forward like she wanted to touch my shoulder in a friendly gesture then thought better of it. "You're really showing the quality that you're made of."

I laughed. "Ms. Johnston, trust me. When you have no life like I do, working on an analysis report is the highlight of my evening, especially after I've seen every single episode of _Reba_ on the _Lifetime_ channel."

Ms. Johnston, whose first name happened to be Stacy, grinned. "Well, that certainly changed my perspective of you right there."

"Oh, yeah?"

"I definitely would not have pegged Mr. Armani Suits to watch _Lifetime_ until he had seen every episode of any given show."

We both began to laugh and I was surprised and glad to realize that it was sincere laughter. I hadn't shared this kind of laughter with a woman in a long time. I thought for a moment as Ms. Johnston glanced down at her practical brown pumps and realized that the last time I had laughed like this had been with Anastasia. A shiver ran down my spine and I quickly looked away from her.

"I had better get back to work," I said quickly. It was in that moment that I realized that even though her hair was coffee brown and her eyes chocolate brown, she reminded me of _her_. My chest felt tight and I thought for a fearful moment that it would give out under the sudden strain.

"Listen, Theodore, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with us after work tonight for some drinks," she said and I looked back up in to her eyes. Though the color was different, the shape of her eyes was the same and so was the inviting warmth. I felt my head bob up and down, almost of its own accord. "Oh, _good!_ That would be _really_ great. I know a lot of the kids would love to get to know you better, Theodore. I mean, you work _so_ hard and your work is wonderful, but you know what they say about the boys who are all work and no play, huh?"

"Teddy," I said quietly.

"Hmm?"

"Call me _Teddy_, not Theodore."

Stacy blushed. "Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think!"

I laughed. "It's fine, really." I touched her hand, but nothing more. "I'd love to join you guys for drinks. What time?"

"Six-thirty and we meet downstairs in the lobby," she said with a wide smile. "You're going to have so much fun, Teddy!"

**THREE**

_"Teddy, huh?"_

_I looked up warily. It was the first time that my cellmate had said as much as a word to me in the last three days. Ever since I had been shoved rather roughly into the cell, he had only stared at me, like he was trying to figure me out without using the power of language or communication._

_"Yeah," I told him quietly. It was after lights out and I knew that I had to be quiet otherwise run the risk of having one of the guards getting up in my face. As much as I wanted to establish a pleasant living environment here in my cell, I didn't want to have a run in with one of the guards._

_My cellmate, luckily, only nodded and went back to staring at me like he had been doing for the past three days. At this point, though it was unnerving as hell, I was teaching myself to ignore him. I was teaching myself to ignore anything that I didn't like and teaching myself how to get what I wanted without causing any trouble for myself. It was a dangerous game, but the only one I had left to play._

_My cellmate was a tall, slender white man who, it was plainly obvious, was incredibly strong and muscular, despite his apparent slenderness. His name was Devon Sands and was taller than me, even though I'm over six feet tall myself. Next to him, I felt like a pathetically weak and short kid, trying to pretend that I was a man. Devon was in for one count of murder, three counts of rape, two counts of sexual assault, and two counts of breaking and entering. Needless to say, he was not someone I wanted to mess around with._

_Unfortunately for me, I was someone that Devon Sands felt like messing with._

_Before I knew what was happening, a heavy weight crashed me down flat onto my bed, where I had been lounging and waiting for sleep to claim me. Before I could cry out and object to whatever it was that was happening, a hand grabbed onto either side of my face, forcing my jaws open. Something rotten and putrid smelling was forced into my mouth and tears immediately began to stream down my cheeks at the taste and smell of this __**thing**__ in my mouth._

_I struggled to get out from under Sands, who was fighting against me with what I could sense was not his full strength. Like a trapped animal, something inside of snapped and went wild. I bucked my hips, __**hard**__, and tried to thrash my head back and forth, hoping to snap his nose with my forehead. Instead, that same strong hand caught my head and snapped it violently down against the mattress. I was breathing roughly though my nose and the noise was almost unbearably loud._

_"Stop struggling, __**pretty boy**__, and I make this a whole lot easier for you," Sands whispered, or maybe even just breathed, into my ear. I expected him to pull away from me then and let out a whimper of shock and disgust when I felt his tongue curl out and lick its way along my ear until Sands came to the lobe where he bit down not so gently. I yelped, but the gag in my mouth kept me from making a noise. Sands smiled. "__**Good**__ boy."_

_Christ, this was like a bad movie on HBO. I wasn't going to be some statistic of a jail gang bang rape. Oh, __**God**_

_Still, when I felt Sands's hands loosen the draw strings on my pants, I felt my entire body freeze in terror instead of springing into outraged action. I should've fought back and murdered the bastard for thinking he could lay a single finger on me, but instead I just lie still as he slid the pants down to my knees and quickly did the same with my boxers._

_I struggled a little then, once I felt his hand close around my penis. I felt a whimper rise up in my throat, a noise of protest and fear, and moved my head in hopes of catching Sands's eyes. It worked, but the black lust I saw in his eyes was more terrifying than his uncomfortable touches in this strange, yellow-green jail light._

_His hand worked on me for a while, though I actually found myself pleased when I could not get it up. I didn't want my body to cooperate with anything that Sands was doing and each little victory helped to keep me sane._

_"__**Roll over**__," Sands hissed in my ear, lifting his bulk up off of my body enough so that I could obey his command. My eyes locked onto his, terror coursing through every part of my body. I couldn't move. "Do it, or I'll fucking __**kill**__ you."_

_What choice did I have? I could fight, but I knew that Sands was bigger and stronger than I was and would probably beat me senseless before raping me even more brutally and violently than he was intending on doing right now. I swallowed harshly and nodded. I pushed myself up and started to roll over slowly, but Sands clearly found it too slow because he finished my rotation and slammed me flat onto my belly._

_That was when I felt something that I had never felt before. Something inside of me. It wasn't very big or painful, but it was definitely not something that ought to have been there. It took me until I felt the second digit force its way inside of me that I realized what Sands was doing. I began to choke and cough against the gag._

_I shook my head violently, though it didn't stop what he was doing. _

_**Please, God, make this stop! I am so sorry that I what I did to Anastasia. Stacey! You don't need to prove to me what a piece of scum I was to force myself on her. I understand that now. Please, God!**_

_Then, like it was something piercing through the whole of me, he was inside of me. I could hear his grunt as he shoved himself mercilessly in, the whole way, and sighed with pleasure, murmuring something about how I must be a virgin because I was so deliciously tight. The tears streaming down my cheeks were of no matter to me._

_**Oh, God. Oh, God. Please, make him get out of me. God…**_

_He began to slide out then slammed back in and my gut was on fire. Over and over again, until I was screaming against my gag, scrambling at the mattress to get away, and twisting and fighting as much as I could bear._

_At the end, he jerked the gag out, kissed my mouth so hard that my teeth cut open the inner parts of my lips and cheeks, and smiled._

_"You're __**my**__ bitch now, Thomas. Start __**acting**__ like it."_

_Sands died three years later, in a riot. He was stabbed in the chest seventeen times. Nobody ever found the weapon or could figure out a suspect, but I sighed with relief the moment he let out his last gurgling breath._

**THREE**

"Thanks for taking me home, Teddy," Stacy slurred. Her shoes were in her hand and it was a little disheartening to watch her try and navigate the sidewalk. I hurried to wrap my arm around her waist and she burst into giggles. "Want to come upstairs?"

What a loaded question, even if the woman asking didn't intend for it to be as loaded as it was. First of all, there was the simple fact that she was my boss. That alone ought to be enough to tell her that I'd walk her upstairs and make sure she was safe, but that's it. Secondly, she was sloppily drunk. The group of "kids" who were going out for drinks after work ended up being a group of the office's single, very attractive women in their twenties and early thirties. They were all, however, too drunk for me to want to spend any "special time" with them.

Third, there were all of the similarities between this Stacy and the woman who I was desperately in love with. Both women were fashion plates who loved looking good and loved making sure that everyone else noticed how good they looked. Both of their bodies were similar, shapely with enough fat to show that they were real women. They also both stared into my eyes with such plain, flat out innocence and childish beauty that I wanted to reach out and steal that innocence from them both.

Stacy pressed her body against mine. "So? Are you coming?"

I looked at her. My body was heating up rapidly and I could feel something inside of me start to growl and snarl like the beast inside was waking up. I swallowed then smiled at her.

"I just need to know where your bed is," I told her.

She ran to the front door of the building, laughing and giggling like I had said something absolutely hilarious. I followed up behind her, making sure to touch her enough to keep her turned on and interested.

Despite all of the years of therapy, which I had thought had worked, I could feel all of the words and all of the exercises melting away. The control that I had thought that I had managed to gain over the wild, violent beast inside of me was gone. He was out of his cage and, like Mr. Hyde whenever he was set loose, he was sick and tired of being locked inside. He was ready to have some fun.

**THREE**

Stacy lie unconscious at the edge of the bed, her mouth sagging open, her legs and arms splayed open. There was blood caked at the hairline of her forehead where she had tried to fight against me and I had whipped a lamp against her head. That was after the rape, when she was trying to convince me that she was going to have me locked away for a long time for what I did to her.

Her hair was tangled from where my fingers and hands had curled into it to pull her head back and to keep her still. Her right eye was already starting to blacken from when she tried to kick and lash out at me as I climbed over her body. There was blood crusted between her legs, turning from the bright, alarming red to the rusting brown red that looked more disgusting than disturbing, to tell the truth.

I sat down on the other side of the bed, watching her with a detached interest. It was as though I just wanted to make sure that I was completely aware of the very moment when she came around again.

The beast had come out. The beast had taken what it wanted and had taken it violently from Stacy Johnston until she was sobbing and pleading for me to let her go. Of course, I couldn't and I couldn't very well explain to her _why_ either, so I had just slapped her hard enough across the face to leave a welt the shape of my palm and fingertips.

Eventually, as I could feel her blood pooling around her legs and down onto the sheets, as her sobs grew softer down into whimpers, the beast finally released me. I couldn't hold myself up the moment that it decided to leave me and collapsed in exhaustion on top of her.

I was still exhausted as I stared on at her. I couldn't believe that I had let it out again. I knew, I knew for _certain_, that the beast would now want to hunt its primary prey now that I had been stupid enough to give it a taste of what it had been missing. It would want Anastasia and I wasn't even sure what it would want to do with her once it found her.

I know I sound like a crazy man, talking like there's a wild animal inside of me, but there is. I take responsibility for just about everything that I was stupid enough to do to Anastasia, including stalking her at her home with her mother. However, the one time that I had lashed out and had started to beat her… that hadn't been me and even all those years ago, I knew that it was something else that was hitting the poor girl sobbing prone beneath me.

Stacy Johnston stirred and I stood up and crossed around the bed to squat down so that I would be directly in front of her face when she opened her eyes. She moaned for a few minutes, shifted in pain, before finally opened her eyes. She let out a frightened whimper and started to push herself up and away from me, but I caught her wrist and held onto it tightly.

"Don't get up," I told her.

"Why?" she whispered.

"You're _not_ going to tell anyone," I instructed, ignoring her question. Her mouth fell open.

"_You're insane_."

"You're right, but if you do I'll kill you."

Stacy started to cry, her eyes dropping closed. "_Why?_ Why are you _doing_ this? _Why me?_"

"I didn't pick you out specially, if that helps any," I assured her. I caught her chin. "_Look_ at me, sweetheart."

"Don't _call_ me that," she snarled weakly.

I grinned. "All right. Listen, Ms. Johnston. If you tell anyone about this, not only will I kill _you_, but I will hunt down the ones you _love_ and _make you watch as I kill them in front of you first._"

She continued to sob. I took that as a yes and pressed a bruising kiss to her already abused lips. She sagged back down onto the bed as I circled behind her and out towards the door. I glanced back at her shivering body, so bruised and abused, before clasping the doorknob in my hand and opening it. She wasn't going to be leaving her apartment any time soon, so there were no worries about her following me out and accusing me of my crime before I had the chance to get away.

I hailed a cab.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked in a bored voice.

"Stoneybrook. I need a hotel there."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
Dear Readers,**

Thank you so very much for taking interest in this story! It's been swirling around in my head for month now, ever since I first thought Teddy up. I just knew that he was going to need to do something more with his character, something greater (by the way, greater is not necessarily the same as good) than what he was allowed to do in _Where Your Book Begins_. So, this is the very first chapter in which you, my _dear_ readers, get to see him run wild.  
I would also like to say my usual statement: if you, or anyone you know, is involved in an abusive situation, please find a way to get out of there. You do **_NOT_** deserve it, no matter what your partner, or anyone else, may say to you. You are a beautiful, unique, darling woman, who God has created to be happy and loved, so please, locate a local shelter and find the help you need to get out and stay safe. Thank you.

**The Lady Elizabeth**


	4. Can You Keep a Secret?

**WARNING:** this chapter contains violence, rape, and swearing. Please read with caution.

**Chapter Four: "Can You Keep a Secret?"**

_Mary Anne_

_February 14_

_Dear Diary,_

_It's been a month, almost to the day, since Stacey moved in with us. So far, it has been a little weird and tense at times, especially since Logan has scared __both of us__ more than once by waking me up in the middle of the night and shoving me in with Stacey (telling me to wake her up, too), while he goes downstairs with his gun to investigate a noise that he thought he heard. It's usually just Tigger or Samantha (the cats), or Stacey's pet chinchilla Arabelle (who makes a lot of noise at night), but Logan __still__ freaks out every time he hears __anything__. I really wish I knew how to help him, Diary. He's getting so panicked sometimes, which does nothing for poor Stacey, who suffers (though I don't treat her and couldn't say for sure) from acute PTSD…_

"You don't think that I'm crazy, do you?" Stacey asked at breakfast Valentine's Day morning.

Logan has just woken up and still had the foggy, blurry look about his face that meant that he wasn't really ready to engage in any kind of real conversation or cerebral functioning for the time being. He simply turned to stare at me, which, I decided, I would punish him for at some later point in the day.

"Stacey, why in the world would you say _that?_" I asked her. I carried my bowl of Raisin Bran to the table and poured milk into the bowl from the carton that Logan had left sitting out in front of him. "Why would you _think_ you're crazy?"

"Well, _besides_ that obvious?" she asked and I smiled. She glanced between Logan and me. "I'm all alone."

"_Again_ with the crazy spinster talk?" Logan moaned miserably, staring down at his Lucky Charms like he wished he could disappear into the bowl.

"_No!_" Stacey said quickly. "I just meant I'm pretty and smart, right?"

"Yes…"

"So, it must be the crazy that makes men stay away from me." She sighed and looked down at the kitchen table. "I'm defective."

"_Stacey McGill!_" I gasped in shock and Logan set his spoon down.

"Don't talk like that, Stace," he warned her. "If you talk like that, you're _going_ to start believing that bullshit and I know you don't _really_ believe any of that."

She sighed again and poked at her breakfast lamely. "I guess."

"Stacey?" She looked up at me with wide eyes. "Is there something else going on right now? I mean, if you told us about it, maybe we could help."

Stacey opened her mouth and glanced a couple of times between Logan and me, clearly torn. "I don't know. I mean, I know you guys _want_ to help me, but I don't think there's really anything that you can do about me."

"Are the nightmares getting worse?" I asked in my best clinically detached voice. She always seemed to respond best to that. She shrugged, tears springing to her eyes.

"Two or three times at night, at least," she said softly then burst into real tears. I started to reach out to touch her gently, but she brushed my hand away, giving me a meaningful look. "Listen, Mary Anne, I don't know what to do anymore, all right? The longer Teddy is gone and nobody knows where the hell he is, the worse all of my nightmares become and the bigger this ulcer in my stomach gets. I don't want to be some whining little brat about this and sound like I'm ungrateful, but I think that, for now at least, I just need some space." She wiped her cheeks quickly. "All right?"

"Of course," Logan said instantly.

I had a more difficult time agreeing. After all, it just wasn't it my nature to sit back and watch placidly while someone, especially someone I loved dearly, suffer the way Stacey obviously was. I folded my arms across my chest and rocked back in my seat, torn.

"Mary Anne?" Stacey asked in a tiny voice. "I mean, if you don't think that this is the best thing for me to be doing right now, I'm not going to push you two away from me-"

"Mary Anne," Logan cut Stacey off firmly, staring at me hard. I closed my eyes for a moment, shook my head slightly, and then sighed.

"No, you're _right_, Stacey," I told her calmly. "If you don't want us interfering and trailing you, we'll stop."

"I didn't mean that you were doing that," she whispered.

"Mary Anne, come on."

_Yeah, come __**on**__, Mary Anne. Get a grip and leave the poor girl __**alone**__ already._

I smiled warmly at Stacey and took one of her hands before she had the chance to sweep it away from me. "Just remember that we're still here if you need us, all right, Stace?"

She giggled. "Duh, of course."

"You girls are insane," Logan declared, pushing his chair back from the table. He looked pointedly at his watch. "Stace? You want a ride over to Kristy's? It's on my way to work anyways."

She nodded. "That would be great, Logan." She stopped to grab onto my head roughly and plant a sloppy kiss on the top. I started laughing and swatting at her to get her away from my head. "Thanks, Mary Anne. I'll see you later."

"It's Valentine's," Logan said, giving Stacey a push towards the door. "Maybe you ought to try and find a single friend to spend the night with."

I laughed as I heard the two of them bickering then began to clean up the kitchen. Somehow, I had Valentine's Day off and, here I was, stuck in the kitchen, washing my boyfriend's and my roommate's breakfast dishes.

Tres romantic.

**FOUR**

_Dear Diary,_

_It's just you and me again, lover. Stacey's out and about for the day (and probably the evening and night, too, if Logan had anything to do with it) and Logan won't be home again until after work. Even though it's Valentine's, that boy always manages to work overtime and I really doubt that today will be any different from any other day. Even if he was making some big promises last night in bed. I guess, for now, my only lover is you and the mop and, __no__, I am not going to make dirty jokes about __myself__ in __my own diary__. What kind of a weirdo __does__ that?_

_Stacey let it slip that she has an ulcer today at breakfast. Great. Another something for me to worry over. Sometimes, I honestly don't know whether or not she's my best friend, my client, my roommate, or my little girl, the way my stomach is always twisting up in knots about her._

**FOUR**

The day passed by quietly. Around 2:30, the mailman came to drop off our usual stack of bills, plus a handful of a pink and red envelopes, addressed to each us of. I had a feeling that Kristy and her kids were in on the card swamping of our mailbox. Or, at least a very "bored and desperate to find something to do with her kids" Kristy was.

At about 3:30, Stacey called to tell me that she and Abby Stevenson had decided to celebrate the evening at Abby's by getting hammered and falling over completely drunk. I reminded Stacey several times that she couldn't get wasted like Abby could (though, Abby ought not to be getting that drunk, either) because of her diabetes. Stacey hung up after finally agreeing to be safe and careful, though she didn't see what the point in that was, in the long run.

Things only started to pick up around 4:45, when an unsuspicious knock at the door came and I hurried downstairs from my sewing to answer it.

Now, I had seen Teddy Thomas before, several times, in fact. There was the first time that any of us Stoneybrook girls met him before beating the ever-loving crap out of him. Then, I went and stayed by Stacey's side all through the three weeks of trial. However, with so many eye witnesses, not even the best lawyers could keep good old Teddy out of jail and before giving Stacey a long, yearning look, he shot me a positively murderous one first. I remember squaring my shoulders and biting off the urge to hold up a choice finger and telling him what he could go and do with himself now.

I didn't recognize him for a moment and I know he went through the same thing because we both smiled politely and warmly at one another before mine melted away and his grew positively greasy.

"Mary Anne, right?" he asked in a voice that sounded perfectly friendly and innocent as he held out his hand. It made me almost want to smile and nod. Instead, I simply thinned by lips into a crude version of a smile. The only thought running through my head was '_thank God that Stacey is out with Abby._' Over and over again, like a broken record or a skipping disc.

When I didn't respond to his warm gesture, he dropped his hand and looked over my shoulder and into the house. "Is Stacey home?"

"Get away from my house," I growled, finally dragging my voice up and out of me. It felt good to hear something so angry and savage directed at him. It made me feel braver than I knew I was. "I'm calling the police."

He grabbed onto my elbow as I started to turn and head to the telephone. I was surprised when it didn't hurt or pinch the way I thought his grip would. Instead, it was simply firm and steady, making it clear that I wasn't doing anything without his approval. I looked up into his eyes expectantly.

"What are you going to _do_, Teddy?" I asked. "What do you _plan_ on doing?"

He smiled again and I knew why Stacey fell in love with him in the first place. "Honey, I can't tell you that. Even if I was going to kill you, do you think that I would want to run the risk of you surviving somehow and being able to help them hunt down me and my little girl?"

I wrenched my arm painfully free. Teddy made no move to recapture it. "She's _not_ your little girl, _Theodore_," I snapped bitingly. "She's a grown woman and she's _not_ your property that you can do whatever you want with."

Before I could really register what was happening, something struck me hard and fast across the face. I found myself reeling backwards, stumbling and trying to stay upright as my hands went to cradle my hot as fire cheek. Strong hands caught my shoulders and steadied me. I was looking up into his eyes, suddenly painfully aware that there was no place to go but through him.

"I don't _want_ to hurt you," he said sincerely, or at least in what sounded like a very sincere voice. "I really don't. All I want is to get Stacey and her things and get out of here, all right? Just tell me where she is and I can even apologize for losing my temper and slapping you like that."

I shook my head slowly. "You son of a _bitch_. There's no way in _hell_ that I'm telling you where Stacey is."

He shrugged mildly. "I'll take a look for myself."

With that, he steered my still nonfunctioning body carefully away from the doorway and stepped inside _my_ house. I stared at him with wide, uncomprehending eyes, shaking my head slowly as he did.

"Get out," I whispered, my voice trembling and threatening tears. Teddy ignored my protest and began to walk slowly towards the living room, as though he was actually nervous about disturbing anything. I felt tears well up in my eyes and my throat tighten with every single step he took. When he reached the living and picked up the picture holding the first picture of Logan and me together, way back in the eighth grade, something inside me snapped. "I said _get out!_"

Teddy turned to look at me, his face still pleasant and neutral, but I knew it was all an act. A sick, twisted little act designed just for me so that he could get at Stacey. I clenched my hands into fists and stood there, each of us staring at the other and daring the other to make the first move.

I made it.

Without much thought, I ran from the door and launched myself straight at Teddy, fully intending to rip his smug head off with my bare hands. I got a couple of good swings in before he ducked and grabbed me around the waist. Before I knew what was happening, the back of my head collided with a wall. It made a sickening thump. I gasped.

"Stay out of my way," Teddy said icily, no trace of friendliness on his face any longer. Maybe it was the knock on the head or my own outrage, but I swung another fist at him. He caught it effortlessly and spun me around to yank my arm up my back. "You stupid little _bitch_, why can't you just _listen?_"

I screamed as he twisted my fisted hand and I felt something snap in my wrist. Panting with pain, I couldn't stop him when he spun me back around and slammed me against the wall again.

"Why don't you mind your own business?" he growled, his face so close to mine I could smell what he ate for lunch. "_How come?_"

"She _is_ my business," I retorted through my tears. "_She's not yours anymore._"

With that, Teddy decided to blacken my right eye and I sunk to the floor, feeling dazed from not only the punch, but from the resulting smash the back of my head made on the way again. Teddy took a step back, his chest heaving with rage. His foot lashed out and caught me in the chest.

Coughing and gasping for air and floundering with lucidity from all the pain, I sagged down to lie on the floor, my back to Teddy. A second kick, to where my kidneys were, landed, but it wasn't as hard as the first one, so I found myself giving thanks for little blessings.

I couldn't move as I heard Teddy storm away from me. Time began to run together like some kind of red hazed watercolor. I pressed my good hand down onto the ground as Teddy moved upstairs and dragged myself towards the portable phone. Clicking it on, I dialed 911 and waited.

"911 emergency," a bored voice answered.

"Help me," I hissed into the phone, nausea almost overcoming me. "Teddy is in my house."

"What?"

"Teddy Thomas!" I said louder. "He's here at 56 Orchard Street and is going to kill me!"

"All right," the woman's voice said, tight with tension and understanding of the situation. "I'm dispatching the police to that address."

"Oh, good." I sighed. "Will you stay on the phone-"

"_You bitch!_" Teddy shouted, ripped the phone from my hand, and threw it as hard as he could to the floor. We both watched as it smashed down, batteries and black casings rolling away, and my eyes wandered up to look into his.

"Go," I whispered, this time letting my fear come bleeding through. I didn't feel brave at all anymore.

"You're going to pay for that," he stated firmly and hauled me to my feet. Certain he was going to start hitting me again, I tried to pull away the moment I was up. Teddy jerked me back against him before grabbing painfully onto my waist, picking me up, and throwing me onto the couch. "Beatings don't work. There's only one way to teach your kind of woman how to behave."

I didn't have the mind to brush his hands away as he grabbed onto either side of the row of buttons holding my shirt together and pulled. Buttons scattered every which way and Teddy straddled me on Logan's couch. I struggled to pull away, to slip underneath him, use my slight figure to my advantage. Teddy swung his fist once more, hitting my cheek.

The blood at the corner of my mouth made me feel even sicker as Teddy ripped my skirt off in much the same manner as he had destroyed my shirt. The shirt I had picked out especially for Logan; it was a favorite of his. He laughed in my face at the tiny underwear that I was wearing, just for Logan's eyes, and, even though I struggled harder now, he slipped and ripped my underwear from my body. Instantly, I began to sob.

"_Teddy, stop!_" I whimpered as he loosened his own belt quickly and slid down his pressed jeans. "_Please, don't do this_. You don't _have_ to do this."

"You're right." I narrowed my eyes. "But, it's _fun_."

Before I could respond to his horrible remark, he was ripping straight up through me. I screamed, unable to stop, as he tore flesh, shoving in violently. Teddy finally clamped a hand over my mouth as he fell into a jerking, destroying rhythm.

"I _hate_ my partners to be so _vocal_," he laughed.

I closed my eyes and clenched my good hand around the throw blanket that I hadn't picked up last night after Logan and I finished watching a movie on this very couch.

This was all going to be over soon, I knew. Teddy would probably even kill me to make sure I couldn't tell anyone anything. It never occurred to me that my own body would be all the evidence anyone would need to know what had gone on here.

"_Good girl_," he whispered, lips close to my ear. I flinched away, squeezing my eyes shut tighter. "_That's_ my girl."

I could only sob in response.

**FOUR**

_Even if this is difficult and even if it is a little dangerous to have her living under our roof, I know that there's no way that I wouldn't protect Stacey. Even if it means putting myself in between her and Teddy. After everything she's been through, the very thought of her having to experience any more pain makes me want to shield her from the whole world. Even though I tell her at least ten times a day that I don't think Teddy will be able to find her, I still worry that I might be lying. After all, the three of us already know what kind of things Teddy is capable of._

_Diary, I have to make sure that Stacey never reads you. I have to make sure that she never senses my unease and fear that I could be wrong._

**FOUR**

The world stopped moving and I nearly fell off from the shock.

Teddy was adjusting his clothing and looking around nervously. Maybe he was worried about the police, but who cared? I didn't anymore. Not now. He leaned down once more to whisper in my ear. I shuddered and squeezed my eyes shut as tight as possible.

"Can you keep a secret?" I didn't say anything, so he went on. "If Stacey _isn't_ here the next time I come over, I will do this _all again_, even _harder_ than today, then slit your pretty little throat _for not telling me where she is._"

Teddy's footsteps moved away and I listened as he slipped out the front door. My sobbing increased as he left, even though I knew I didn't have enough strength to cry for long.

I hated keeping secrets.


	5. Happy Valentine's Day

**Chapter Five: Happy Valentine's Day**

_Logan_

_February 14_

I left my office feeling light and free. Tonight was going to be amazing for us. I had everything planned to the tee, including finding Mary Anne's rare, favorite wine and hiring a violinist to serenade us while we were eating at her favorite restaurant. After that, I had a few more surprises up my sleeve, which, when I tried to ask Stacey if they were sexy enough, she plugged her fingers in her ears and began to hum a hymn that I didn't recognize.

Only a couple of steps away from my door and I knew something horrible had just happened. The station was mostly silent and everyone was either looking down at their desks or staring at me with a mingled horror and pity. I looked around and almost immediately located our Chief.

"What happened?" I asked quietly.

Chief Miller D'Yaeger swallowed and rested a hand on my shoulder. "There was a break-in at your house."

"_Mary Anne?_" I croaked, my throat immediately drying out along with my mouth. "She's… she's all right."

"I want you to stay here," D'Yaeger said softly.

"_No way_," I growled and spun away from him to retrieve my coat and van keys. D'Yaeger was standing in my doorway when I had my things and turned around to get out of there as fast as I could. "Chief?"

"Logan, listen," he said quietly, moving into the office so that he could shut the door and give us some privacy. "I know you want to run down there right this second, but I _really_ don't think you should go there now. Wait until after the paramedics have arrived."

"But, it's _Mary Anne_," I said quietly, my entire body trembling with the strain of just thinking what could possibly have happened. "I _have_ to be with her."

D'Yaeger looked away for a minute. I could tell that he was rolling his thoughts through his head by the way his mouth was moving slightly.

The Stoneybrook Police Department's Chief was a heavy man, balding, and always wearing clothes that ought to have been thrown away years ago when he's not on duty. Still, despite his physical appearance and shortcomings, he was easily the best boss I had ever had the privilege to work with. He was more intelligent than most of the department and was actually a member of some club for people with high IQs. He was sharp witted and always seemed to be aware of everything that was going on. His reprimands were not met with anger or hostility from the others, but rather with a quiet shame that we had disappointed our Chief.

And, yet, D'Yaeger always managed to be one of the nicest men I had ever met. His family consisted of his beautiful wife and their five children. He was a natural with kids and usually took the time to sit down with whichever drunken teenager was locked up for the night until he sobered up. More often than not, his deep voice and his quick, reassuring smile would soothe our drunken teenagers and somehow get through the haze to a place where they could hear him and where he could still do some good for them.

I rattled my keys in my hand anxiously and D'Yaeger sighed softly. Looking into my eyes with more calm than I felt the situation warranted, he nodded.

"Fine, but give those keys to me," he said, holding out his hand. I started to shake my head in protest, but D'Yaeger raised his hand to silence me. "If you're going to race home, take one of the squad cars. It's safer that way."

"I'm not even on duty," I answered stupidly. D'Yaeger smiled and shrugged.

"I'm sure we'll be able to figure out where it went."

I took a couple steps forward until we were in arm's length from one another. D'Yaeger reached out and patted my shoulder.

"I've already sent some of our boys over there, but you have to promise me that you'll let them work and not try to get in the way."

"Of course," I said quietly.

"You say that _now_, in here, where you can't see what happened." I shivered and D'Yaeger stepped out of the way, but slung one of his beefy arms around my shoulders. "It's easy to make a promise when you're not looking right at what happened to the woman you love."

I closed my eyes. "Do you think M-A is alright?"

"I honestly don't know, Logan. I don't."

**FIVE**

When I pulled into the driveway, there were already two empty squad cars parked and waiting for their drivers to come back out again. In a daze, got out of the squad car and made my way to our farmhouse. The front door was wide open and I had to try to compose myself before entering.

There were officers bustling around and the moment I entered, their movement stopped. I stared back at them, completely dumbfounded. Was this really happening? One of our fresh, new recruits, a small woman named Holly who was barely 22, if she was a day, stepped forward. She had always reminded me of Mary Anne, with her long brown hair and expressive eyes. Holly took one of my hands and looked up into my eyes.

"Are you sure?" she asked so quietly, I knew that only the two of us heard her voice. I nodded slowly and Holly nodded as well. "She's on the couch, Logan, but she's still pretty out of it."

"Fine."

Holly led me by the hand like a child into the living room. I could see only the back of the couch when we stopped moving. Holly squeezed my hand.

"She's been asking for you, but she's not very lucid."

Without further prompting, I hurried around to the other side of couch and froze when I saw Mary Anne for the first time.

Her face was already bruising and she had a black eye already swollen and turning a violent shade of purple. Her lower lip was crusted in blood from where it looked like she had been biting down on it. Though there was a blanket pulled over her still shivering body. Her other eyes was squeezed tightly shut and her breathing was shallow and weak. I sunk to my knees.

"_Oh, God_," I moaned quietly and felt hot tears suddenly splash onto my cheeks. "Mary Anne?"

She opened her good eye and stared back at me for a whole minute before asking timidly: "Logan?"

"I'm right here, honey," I told her, not caring that my voice sounded choked with tears. "I'm here now."

She nodded and began to weep quietly. "This is _all_ my fault." I shook my head, but she didn't seem to notice. "I should have slammed the door right in his face."

"Oh, God, Mary Anne. _No_," I whispered, stroking her hair as I wept along beside her. "Don't."

A hand fell on my shoulder. "Bruno? The paramedics are here."

"Get _away_ from her," I snapped.

"They have to see her," my partner, Bruce Ashgrove, told me. "Please, Logan, let them do their job."

"_Don't go_!" Mary Anne nearly shrieked as I started to stand in reluctance, and made a desperate grab for my hand. "_Logan, don't leave me!_"

"It's all right, he can stay," one of the paramedics said. "We just need room enough to get her stabilized so that she can be transported."

I nodded and sunk down on the couch beside her. I knew the drill. I had arrived at houses where men beat their wives and sometimes even killed the poor women who just couldn't escape the abusive bastards.

To their credit, the paramedics were fast. Easing the blanket away from her body, I felt myself begin boil over with rage. I bit down hard on my bottom lip to keep from scooping her up and not letting another person touch or hurt my beloved Mary Anne. The feeling grew worse and worse, with every laceration and every bruise. I felt my breath quicken, knowing that they were going to exam her between her legs and knowing that I might sail off into insanity if I saw anything done to her. Instead, they replaced the blanket and tucked it around her before sliding her onto the gurney. She let go of my hand to touch my face.

"Logan?_"_

"Yeah, honey?"

"Please," she said insistently and I bent closer to her, my hand brushing her blood matted hair away from her face. I was surprised to feel her lips surge up to brush again my own. "_I love you_. I didn't _mean_ for this to happen."

"I'm _not_ angry with you, M-A.."

"How could you _not_ be?" she asked. "I let some other man _touch_ me, Logan. I _could've_ fought harder, but _I let him_."

I began to sob along with her. I kissed her face where she wasn't swollen or bruised or cut. "No, honey, you did _nothing_ wrong. I love you so much."

"Let's get her to the hospital," one of the paramedics said quietly. I suddenly realized that everyone in the house had come into this room and were watching us with wide, pained eyes. Holly was openly weeping and her partner was trying to soothe her whimpers. "Ready?"

I stood and walked away from the couch so that the paramedics could bring the gurney up to its full height. Mary Anne burst into heavier sobs as they did and it wasn't quick enough that I could hold onto her hand and kiss her face as we rolled her towards the front door.

"_Stay with me_," she whispered after her gurney was up in the ambulance. I glanced at the paramedic who had been talking to me. The other looked stiff and uneasy, though I couldn't find anything in my heart to blame him.

"_Always_, Mary Anne. _Always_."

**FIVE**

I hated hospitals. I have always hated being near them and especially having to be inside of one. After the car accident I was in while I was in college, there wasn't a thing that bothers me more than the sterile white walls and the hard beds. I felt myself start to feel overwhelmed by everything as I sunk down into the chairs in the small waiting room. Even though they were going to perform a rape kit and Mary Anne wanted me at her side, the doctor insisted that she have the privacy of only a couple of gentle nurses.

I tried reading, but none of the words in the magazine I picked up made sense. It was as though the letters themselves were all jumbled and slapped on at random. I set the magazine back down onto the table then, resting my elbows on my thighs, leaned forward to cradle my throbbing head in my hands.

"How?" I murmured softly. My mouth felt cotton dry and I swallowed a few times in hopes that I could moisten it again. It didn't work.

How could I have let this happen, and to Mary Anne, of all people? I wasn't there for her and now she was in the hospital. She was bleeding and panicking and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. It was, in a way, my fault that she was even like that and not at home right now, munching on leftovers straight from the fridge while I fumbled my way through trying to make a romantic dinner.

I should have installed that security system that Dave in Homicide kept telling me I ought to. Not just because of Stacey living there now and the three of us needing extra protection and warning, but also because it was a wise decision to arm a house just where we lived because we were easier to rob, not having neighbors close by to alert the police about anything suspicious. It was my _stupid pride_ that kept me from installing the system. After all, I'm Logan Bruno, one of the SPD's finest. If I couldn't keep my own home and two women dear to me safe, then nothing could.

A string of questions began to make their way through my head.

_What if Mary Anne had more internal injuries than I thought? What if she was bleeding internally? What if we had only a few days with her? Hours, even? What if she thought about me and how I failed to protect while he was inside of her? What if she gave up hope on me after he was done, knowing that I should've been there to stop him? What if it had been Stacey instead? What if he had kidnapped Stacey and we never saw her again? Would it have been better to know that the women I loved was safe and that another woman I cared about was kidnapped by a psychopath? Was thinking that it might've been better if it had been Stacey make me some kind of a monster?_

"Logan?" a quiet voice asked.

My head jerked up with a snap and I felt my heart drop when the voice didn't belong to a doctor or nurse, but to Abby Stevenson. Not that I didn't consider Abby a good friend of mine or the girls, but I only wanted to talk to someone who could answer maybe even one of the racing "what if's" in my head. I swallowed dryly and tried not to wince at the sensation.

"Hey," I mumbled.

Abby took a seat beside me and I could see that Stacey was standing behind her, her blue eyes widening the moment I could look into them. She was twisting her hands in front of her and breathing in such a way that I knew she was trying hard not to burst into tears. I felt Abby's fingers interlace with my own and looked over toward her wide-eyed concern.

"How are you?" she asked. I looked down quickly at the ground and realized that the tears I had been choking back while in this sterilized waiting room had made tiny splashes on my jeans. I hitched a breath into my lungs and felt Abby's fingers squeeze mine. "It's all right. You don't have to say anything."

"I should've been there," I whispered.

"Logan, none of this is your fault. Please, Logan. Look at me?"

Abby's eyes were warm with comfort and support for me. She had moved her other hand to stroke my arm in steady, almost calming motions. My eyes scanned her familiar face and I felt a part of me crumble.

I couldn't stay distant from Abby Stevenson. It was impossible. Ever since high school, Abby has been the only one always able to read my thoughts and know exactly what I was trying to hide from her. Not that I ever had much to hide. Besides Mary Anne and Stacey, she was one of the closest people to me and I never felt that I couldn't tell her everything going through my head; Abby always seemed to understand what I had to say and could fill in the blanks where my own mouth stumbled.

We had dated in high school, for a little over two years. She went from being just a member of the former Baby-Sitter's Club to being one of the most important people in my life. While we were together, we were more like best friends than lovers. Although Mary Anne and I had lost our virginity to one another just before I began seeing Abby, my relationship with Abby was a strictly kissing-only relationship. It took us those two years to realize that we weren't in love with one another like a couple ought to be, but loved one another like friends or even siblings. We simply weren't _meant_ to be a couple, in the romantic sense.

Luckily, since both of us came to that conclusion at about the same time, our break-up was short, simple, and sweet. After a couple of days to reflect and mourn the death of our relationship, we were back together again, this time as friends.

Abby leaned over and slipped an arm around my shoulders. Her mouth was close to mine as she leaned her forehead against the side of my head and I could smell the infamous spearmint bubble gum that she was always chomping on. Her fingers moved from my hand to stroke comfortingly the hair on my head. Without thought, I put my arm around her waist and closed my eyes tightly. I could hear Stacey start to cry.

"What _happened_, Logan?" she asked, her voice choked with tears. "How could this _happen?_"

"Stace…" Abby said quietly, puffs of her breath hitting my ear.

"_I just want to know_," she wept miserably and sank down beside me as well. She clamped her hand over mine. "It's _me_, isn't it? This is _my_ fault."

I shook my head, but had nothing to say to her. All of a sudden, I just felt tired and drained. Abby squeezed my shoulder and Stacey returned to weeping wordlessly into her tissues.

"Mr. Bruno?" I looked up. It was the doctor who had been taking care of Mary Anne. I nodded. "She's resting now, but you can go in and see her," he told me.

I glanced at the girls. "What about them? They're close to Mary Anne as well."

The doctor glanced around before nodding. "That's fine, just try and be as soft and quiet as possible."

With Abby and Stacey by my sides, the doctor whose name I never caught led us into Mary Anne's hospital room. She looked up the moment we entered, tears still running down her cheeks. Stacey nearly flew to her side, her sobs completely unrestrained. Mary Anne didn't open her arms for Stacey, so Stacey settled for wrapping her arms around Mary Anne as much as possible.

"_I'm so sorry_," she sobbed. Mary Anne turned her head to look out the window.

"Don't be ridiculous," Mary Anne said quietly. "It wasn't you."

Abby squeezed my hand tightly. "Who did it?" she asked in a quiet voice that I rarely heard come from her mouth. "_Who_ did this to you?"

Stacey stood up and backed away from the bed. Her face was pale and her bottom lip was trembling. Mary Anne sighed. I knew from what the doctors and nurses had told me, that she had been given medication to calm and soothe her. What they didn't tell me was that she'd look just as beaten even after she was cleaned up. Tempted though I was to look away, I didn't.

"Teddy," Mary Anne whispered softly.

Stacey surprised everyone by slumping wordlessly to the ground. She didn't gasp or start to cry even harder. Her knees simply went out from under her and she was sprawled on the ground. Abby instantly was on the floor as well, pushing Stacey's hair away from her neck to check for a pulse. Abby had been working as a paramedic for three years before quitting and deciding to buy her comedy club.

I hurried to the open door. "We need help!"

Instantly, the room was crowded with two nurses. They hurried and rushed around, checking her vital signs when the doctor returned to our room with a back board. Wordlessly, they slid Stacey onto it and carried her to the empty second bed in Mary Anne's room. By now, Mary Anne had pushed herself upright and was crying harder than before. I sat down on the bed and wrapped her hands in mine.

Eventually, Stacey was rolled onto the bed and the nurses left the doctor in the room with us. He crossed his arms.

"What _happened?_" he asked.

"Teddy," Mary Anne sobbed. "He's stalking Stacey. She's the one he's really after."

"Oh, _God_," Abby moaned miserably.

"Well, she's not hurt," the doctor said calmly. It was like he wasn't even hearing what Mary Anne was really saying. "We're going to keep her here, on the bed, until she comes to." He glanced at me. "Can you take her home afterwards? She's probably going to feel very confused and tired when she wakes up."

I nodded silently, my mind racing. Teddy was really was going to stop at _nothing_ to have Stacey all to himself. If beating and violently raping my girlfriend was just the beginning, I shivered to think where he was going next.

**FIVE**

"I'm glad that you're here, Logan," Kristy said. "I'm glad you came here instead of staying at your place."

Pete nodded. "We don't have a ton of room, but you and Stacey will be safe here."

"How can you _say_ that?" Stacey demanded. "Look what he did to Mary Anne."

Kristy and Pete exchanged a look and Kristy nodded as Pete reached out to hold her hand. "Sorry, Stacey. We didn't mean anything by it."

"S'ok," Stacey whispered.

Kristy forced a smile. "Well, come on then. Let's get your cot set up, Logan."

Kristy Thomas and Pete Black. If someone had told me in high school that they would get married and start another huge Thomas-based family, I would've laughed. Now, though, the two were inseparable. They already had five kids to raise, though the oldest two (twin girls Maggie and Nora) were Kristy's and their second oldest (Robbie) was Pete's son. Together, they had four year old Elizabeth and infant Charlie.

Normally, the kids would be running around like tiny little dervishes of giggling madness. Tonight, however, even baby Charlie seemed to sense the tension in the air and had fallen silent and ill at ease. Maggie, the single most talkative child in the world, was sitting beside Stacey wordlessly and holding onto her hand. Though she had no way of knowing what was making one of her favorite honorary aunts so upset, she stayed quiet and silent as Stacey wiped and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Following Pete in silence, I helped him take down old Army issue cot that he had bought at some garage sale or something when he first got out of college. Now the musty, strange smelling cot would be my bed for the next few nights until our house was photographed and cleaned up.

"Is Stacey all right?" Pete asked, breaking our silence. I blinked.

"Well, she's not really _herself_."

We walked down the hall and into the guest bedroom. We set up my cot with sheets, blankets and pillows. I made sure to test Stacey's bed so that she wouldn't be at all physically uncomfortable. Pete stared at me for a while.

"How are _you_ doing?" I looked up at my best friend and found that the words were lost in my throat. I shook my head miserably before letting my chin fall down against my chest in defeat. Pete sat down beside me and patted my shoulder. "I thought so."

"I don't know _where_ the three of us are going to go next," I confessed. "Are we just going to be stuck running from home to home and putting all of our friends and family in danger?"

Pete shook his head and wrapped his arm around me as I let down my guard and tears came spilling out. "Logan, we're not thinking about that tonight. You're just going to sleep tonight and not worry, all right?"

I nodded. "I'll _try_."


	6. Breaking Hearts

**Chapter Six: Breaking Hearts**

_Stacey_

_February 20_

Despite what everyone says, I know that it was _all_ my fault that Mary Anne got in the way of Teddy's path to me. My gracious friends try to hide me and to protect from him and what kind of thanks do they earn for it? Well, Mary Anne is still in the hospital after having exploratory surgery to rule out any smaller internal bleeds and Logan has been staying at Kristy and Pete's half the time and alone in our farmhouse, locked in his study, the other half.

As for me? I've been so stressed out and nervous that I stayed at the Black's for one night then jetted over to Claudia's for a while. It's only been six days since… the incident and I've already moved on to Abby's house. It's like I _can't_ sit still or stay in any one place for too long. I felt like a nervous rabbit with a wolf just on my heels.

In an attempt to keep my mind off of things, Abby has taken some time off from work so that she can stay with me and watch movies and daytime television all day. We don't really say much to one another and she doesn't sit on the couch with me. It's as though we both realize that I need the company to keep me from going _completely_ insane, but also know that I need space. Just the touch of Abby's hand at dinner last night, as she passed me the potatoes, made me shiver. For a few moments all I could think was "_that could be __**Teddy's**__ hand brushing against me, not Abby's._" It's a good thing that Abby is hard to offend, otherwise, I'd probably have to race straight over to Jessi Ramsey's, another friend of mine, in embarrassment, knowing that Abby saw my expression and shiver.

That morning, Abby woke me up by tapping on the door.

"Stacey? Do you want some eggs for breakfast today? I was going to cook some for me."

I rolled over onto my back, opened my eyes, and stared straight up at the ceiling. I didn't _want_ anything to eat. I just wanted to sink down in the mattress and never have to get up again. Seeing as how that wasn't going to happen, I closed my eyes again.

"Thanks, Abby. I'll be there in a few minutes." I listened to her feet retreat back to the kitchen and sighed. I would have to wake up fully and get out of bed now instead of enjoying the last traces of sleep.

Sitting up, I rubbed my face with my hands and swung my feet over the side of the bed. Abby's guest bedroom in her apartment was cramped and tiny, but at least the bed was comfortable. I didn't have to worry about sleeping on a cot in a child's bedroom (like I had to do when I was over with Claudia), so the sleep I did manage to catch was more refreshing.

Getting up, the first thing I did was slip into the bathroom to take a shower before I had to start living again. I turned the hot water up as high as I could stand, feeling greasy and dirty, _still_, about what had happened to Mary Anne. I suppose I was trying to scald off the parts of me that made me so selfish as to put my best friends in danger. It didn't work, of course, but the sting of the hot water lasted well after the shower and served as kind of a punishment for being so stupid.

Back in the guest room again, I leafed through my closet and the dresser Abby had cleaned out for me. According to the weatherman's report last night, it was supposed to be snowy and blustery today. Even though I would be inside most of the day, I decided to wear as warm an outfit as possible.

I tossed my underwear and bra on before sliding into a pair of loose, dark blue denim jeans with the cuffs rolled up slightly to keep them from dragging through the snow and slush. A plain white long-sleeved t-shirt came on next, followed by a bulky, Irish knit sweater with buttons down the front. I put on the warmest pair of socks I owned before stuffing my feet into my cross-trainers. A glance in the mirror was enough to make me pull my red hair into a high ponytail. Now I was ready.

Abby smiled at me as I walked into the kitchen and I gave her a half-hearted one in return.

"Thanks again for everything, Abby," I told her sincerely and she shook her head.

"How many times do I have to tell you that this is no problem at all?" She went back to supervising the cooking eggs on the stove. "You're my _friend_, Stacey. Do you think that I would turn you away?"  
"I'm not sure anymore," I mumbled. Abby forked some scrambled eggs onto a plate and slid it in front of me. I stared down at my food, refusing to look at her.

"Well, _get_ sure, Stacey," she replied. "You have to trust some people, you know?"

"I trusted Teddy," I told her, eating a small forkful of eggs. "I trusted him and look where that led me."

"I meant your friends."

"_Still_."

I began to really eat once Abby was seated across from me, alternating between studying me and eating her own breakfast. The moment I was finished, I jumped up and quickly rinsed my plate and fork before setting them in the sink.

"Thanks, Abby," I said quickly and hurried from the room before she could reply. I wasn't feeling up to a discussion this morning, even if Abby seemed to know a lot of the right things to say and do for me.

Upstairs, a quick call to the hospital told me that Mary Anne was in good enough condition to have visitors and was accepting them today. I closed my cell phone and carefully nestled it into the front pocket of my jeans.

As much as I knew that I was going to _hate_ this, I was finally going to go to the hospital and visit Mary Anne now. I had been avoiding her since the incident and now I felt complete shame and guilt for doing so.

A couple of my anti-anxiety pills settled my nerves, even if they did make me sleepy, and I headed out of the house (after letting Abby know where I was headed, just in case) to my car. The bitter winter air cut through my heavy peacoat and all the way to my skin. Shivering, I made it to my car and started the engine.

_Here goes nothing_, I thought nervously before starting out the driveway and toward the hospital.

**SIX**

She was sleeping when I came into the room, her bruised and battered face loose and smooth with peaceful sleep. I had a hunch that her current calm was drug induced, but I was still comforted to see her so peaceful. I had imagined her in the hospital since the incident and _every single time_, she looked tense, worried, and frightened. It was good to see that, for once, my imagination had completely failed me.

I sat down in the chair next to her bed, watching her quietly as I did so. After a few minutes, she sighed and shifted slightly in her hospital bed. I felt myself straighten up as she did. Her eyes squinted open slowly. I smiled warmly.

"Hey, sweetie," I whispered. "It's me, Stacey."

Mary Anne smiled weakly. "Hey." She stretched a little and sighed again. "How long have I been asleep?"

I shrugged. "I just came in. Probably not too long, though."

"Yeah, I haven't been able to sleep very much," she admitted. Her eyes slid shut for a moment before she reopened them fully and struggled into a sitting position. I would've helped her except that she flinched the moment I reached out towards her. Feeling my face heat up with shame, I dropped my hands into my lap and watched her adjust herself in the bed.. "Just you today?"

"Disappointed?"

"No, just curious." She smiled something closer to a real smile this time. "Thanks for coming."

"It's the least I can do," I admitted quietly. "After all, you wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me."

"_Stop_ blaming yourself," Mary Anne said automatically. She said it with the calmness of someone who had said it many times before this. I shrugged.

"I can't help it."

We both sighed and looked away from one another. To that statement, there wasn't any way for either of us to try and make one another feel better.

"_Life's a bitch, isn't?_" the small voice in my head asked.

Mary Anne was starting to physically look a little better. Her bruises looked nasty, but the cuts that didn't require stitches were closed up and looking a lot better. Her hair was a mess because they had to shave a bit of it in the back to stitch up the big cut that she had on the back of her head. She wasn't allowed to brush or comb her hair until the stitches came out and even though she joked had about with Abby how convenient it was to be encouraged to look so sloppy, I could knew that it bothered her. No wonder. Yet another thing that Teddy had stolen from her.

Mary Anne was still in the hospital because some of the injuries Teddy had beaten into her were slowly healing or had been severe enough to require emergency surgery. Teddy had cracked three of her ribs, given her a nasty laceration on the back of her head, a concussion, as well as a sprained wrist and all of the damage he had done to her when he raped her so violently.

I looked back over at Mary Anne. "You're going to get better," I assured her. "It's only going to take some time."

Her head snapped around and her eyes narrowed. "_You_ haven't gotten better," she snapped.

My mouth fell open. I couldn't believe that those words had just come out of her mouth. Mary Anne had been with me through the worst of this and now she was here accusing me of being weak and pathetic because I still hadn't gotten over it. I could feel my face heat up with shame and anger.

"Yes, _Mary Anne_, I have," I said as firmly as I could muster. "You know I have and you know that you will, too."

"I'm not in the mood for a pep talk," she said quietly and looked away from me again.

"Mary Anne, I'm only trying to _help_," I whispered, my heart sinking.

"_Thanks_, but I'll be all right on my own."

I stood up quickly and wiped the moisture forming in my eyes away. I didn't want her to see that she had made me almost cry. I began to slide on my pink winter coat when she sighed.

"It's not _you_, Stace. I just don't want to hear bullshit like that from anyone who hasn't gone through what I just have." I shook my head in disbelief. Did she realize _who_ she was talking to? "I know that you understand better than _anyone_ _else_, but I'm _really_ just too exhausted with people trying to constantly cheer me up. What do I have to be happy about?"

"Logan."

"He _hates_ me for letting Teddy hurt me like he did."

I shook my head again. "Mary Anne, you're not making any sense. Logan _loves_ you."

"I suppose." We were silent for nearly a minute before she turned to look back at me. "I kind of need to be alone right now, Stacey."

I nodded. "I know." What made that so hard to say was that I understood perfectly her need to be alone and away from the world. While I was closest to her and what she was suffering through, I knew that I counted as part of the world that she needed to shut out. I gathered my things quickly.

"Call my cell if you need me?" Mary Anne nodded slowly. "I'll make sure to get here as fast as possible."

"Thanks, Stacey."

I left the room feeling a _lot_ worse than when I had come in.

**SIX**

"Logan?"

He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile. "Back so soon?"

I sank down on the new couch beside him (Logan had the old one removed to the police station to collect specimens and purchased a new one just as soon as he could after the attack) and nodded. "I just don't know what to do anymore, Logan. I want to help her, I really do, but I just don't know how." I took a shuddering breath, trying to control my tears. "I wish there was some magic wand to wave over her and make her all better again."

"You read too much Harry Potter," Logan said softly. I turned to stare at him and he smiled. "Then again, the wand idea does sound like a good one."

"Maybe they sell them in Stamford?"

Logan laughed. "How could I forget? The magic wand store at the mall."

I couldn't help but smile. Logan somehow always knew how to make us smile. He has been doting on Mary Anne this whole time, spending long periods of time at the hospital when he could manage to go. I couldn't understand how his gentle touches and promises that he would never let Teddy hurt any of us again _didn't_ help. They certainly made me feel a little better.

"Logan?" He smiled. "How are you doing? _Really_. How are you?"

The smile on his face seemed to melt away. He shrugged.

"All right, I guess."

I felt my heart sink. "_All right?_"

"I don't want to talk about _me_," he said firmly. "I _don't_."

"I _want_ to help you," I whispered, feeling like an idiot for asking. I should've just left things alone, but I was always pushing and prying. "I mean, if you want help, I'm here."

"I'm fine, Stacey," he said and looked away from me. "Don't worry about me and don't worry about Teddy, all right? I'll do the worrying for all of us."

Suddenly, his words caught up with me. He was going to do all of the worrying? How could he do that? How could he even think that he could handle his new burdens on top of ours? I could barely stand to handle my own fears and worries.

Tears began to slip down my face. I could feel myself heating up with embarrassment, but I ignored that and raised my hands to cover my face. I felt Logan's hand on my shoulder.

"Stacey?" he asked gently. "Please don't cry, honey. _Please_."  
"But, he _hurt_ Mary Anne," I wept miserably. "_He hurt my best friend_. He might have _killed_ her, too."

"He didn't, though."

I lowered my hands. "_But he could have!_"

Logan immediately pulled me close to him as harsh sobs issued from somewhere deep inside of me. "Stacey, shh."

"_Why?_" was all I could sob and I did. Over and over again as Logan held me so close and rocked me gently. "_Why_, Logan? Why _me?_ Why _us?_"

Logan pulled me into his lap, holding me like he would hold a small child. I rested my head against his strong chest and sobbed. His hand was stroking my head and I gradually found my sobs lessening. After what seemed like hours, I was tired and worn out, limp against Logan. He continued to rock and stroke me.

"You're going to be all right," he finally whispered. "This will end up all right, I _promise_."

I looked up so that I could look into and read his expressive eyes. All I could see was honesty and dedication and knew that I was somehow beyond lucky to have Logan. He smiled gently.

Without thinking, I straightened up and pressed my mouth to his. Logan remained stiff and still for a moment before he returned the kiss. I could feel myself melting against him and raised my arms to wrap them around his shoulders. I didn't want to fall away from him. I _couldn't_ fall away from him.

Logan slipped his arms around my waist, his fingers trailing down my sides. I let him turn me and push me down against the couch. He was resting above him, his mouth leaving my lips to begin to trail down my neck. When he reached my shirt, he fumbled with the hem and began to pull it up. We arched almost in unison as he slid my shirt up over my head and threw it away from us.

We made quick work of removing our clothing and rested together, Logan brushing kisses over my face, wiping away the tears that I had begun to shed again. His fingers were gentle as he cradled my head and I closed my eyes, misery washing over me once more.

"You don't have to cry anymore," he whispered into my ear. "I'm here, Stacey, and I won't _ever_ leave you. I won't ever let _anything_ hurt you again."

I nodded slowly, still unable to stop crying. Logan just brushed them away with gentle fingers. I returned the kiss that was pressing against my mouth and opened my lips wide enough to allow him to enter my mouth.

Minutes later, I allowed him to enter another part of me. Like I had expected, it hurt to feel him push inside, but Logan's kisses over my face soothed the discomfort. He brushed feathery kisses over my closed eyelids as he pulled out a little and pushed back inside. I whimpered softly and held onto him more closely.

The feeling of being filled was more than I could stand. I knew that it wasn't encouraging to Logan that I couldn't stop the constant rain of tears rushing down my cheeks. As he set a slow, deep rhythm, I took over kissing and brushing my lips over every inch of his body that I could in this position.

His skin was hot against my lips and I could feel him straining against me as he pushed in faster and faster. I leaned up so that my lips were against his ear.

"_I love you_," I whispered softly, through my tears. "I love you _so_ much, Logan."

He reached his climax moments later and slumped down above me. His weight wasn't as heavy as I anticipated until I realized that he was still supporting himself so that he wouldn't press me down into the couch. I ran my fingers through his hair.

"I love you," I whispered. It took me a few moments to realize that he was weeping as well. I pressed my lips to his cheek. "What's wrong?"

"What about Mary Anne?" he whispered.

I closed my eyes tightly. _Mary Anne._

"She'll understand," I whispered back, opening my eyes to search his. "Logan, _please_ don't cry. You're making _me_ cry even harder."

Logan shifted his weight and sat up. I did the same, pressing my side against his. I took his hand in mine and felt a tear splash down against my skin. I knew that I had nothing to say to make him feel better. I knew I didn't and, yet, I wanted nothing more than to sooth his hurt and make him feel better. After all, nothing we had done was done to hurt Mary Anne.

I couldn't put into words what we had done, but I knew that it was _right_. Somehow, even though logic was screaming no at me, I knew that we had done what was _right_.

"Logan, please don't cry," I pleaded. "I love you."

He squeezed my hand. "I love you, too. But what about Mary Anne?"

"_Yes_," the voice in my brain snapped. "_What __**about**__ poor Mary Anne?_" I sighed.

What had we done?

**SIX**

Alone in my bedroom, I sank down on the edge of my bed. While I was practically basking in the feeling of love that was in my heart, I also felt wave after wave of guilt and shame wash over me. It was like my emotions were battling each other inside of my body and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop them.

I stood up and walked slowly, as though I was in a dream. I pulled open the top drawer of my dresser and pulled out the little orange pharmacy bottle. I retreated back to the bed without closing the drawer behind me.

Sliding the top off of the bottle, I spilled the pills inside the bottle onto my comforter. I picked up one pill and slipped into my mouth, swallowing it dry. I reached out to start scooping the rest of the pills into the bottle and hesitated. I plucked another pill up and let it follow the first.

After I had swallowed four of the tiny white pills, I swept the rest of them into the pill bottle. I set the bottle on my nightstand then slid under my covers and closed my eyes.

There were no more tears left to cry today, so I waited peacefully until the pills slid me deep under into a sleep that would last throughout the next day.


	7. The Lay of the Land

**WARNING:** This chapter is rated **M** for violence, rape, and other nastiness.

**Chapter Seven: The Lay of the Land**

_Teddy__February 26_

I still cannot believe what I did. I had resolved that I was going to be as civilized as possible when I went to knock on Stacey's new door. I had gone over it a thousand times as I drove to her house. Every single time it had gone just as I wanted it to go. Whoever answered the door would be hesitant at first, until I told them how much I adored my ex-lover and would then allow me inside to meet with her.

All of my daydreaming and planning went belly up the moment Stacey's friend opened the door. I didn't even get the chance to explain myself because she was so busy trying to shoot me down and too busy trying to kick me out of the house.

I somehow managed to keep myself under control until she launched herself at me. The tiny girl flew at me with rage and fierce protection, qualities that I normally would've found very attractive had I not been the one she was trying to beat down.

The moment she went after me, that frayed and crumbling wall between right and wrong burst apart with a spectacular boom. I had struggled to keep in control, but I wasn't strong enough to stop it.

It was like I was watching a movie. I sank back down into my own brain as someone else emerged from the other side of that wall. I wanted to call out, to shake myself free of what I knew was coming, but it was pointless. Nothing I could ever do would deter what was behind that wall.

The poor girl, Mary Anne, became his punching bag and even though I screamed as loud as I could to make him stop, he just kept one punching and striking out at her. He didn't even stop when she started to cry.

The worst part was the rape. I didn't black out this time, during the rape. In fact, I found myself staring down at her while she tried to struggle away, sobs catching roughly in her throat and sheer terror in her eyes. I wanted so badly to look away, but I couldn't. It wasn't until I felt myself floating once more to the foreground that I could look away from the mess he had made. Sure, I had gotten into trouble for being violent, but never like this.

Perhaps a visit to a shrink was in order?

**SEVEN**

The motel room that I was staying in was hot, of all things. It was a late February night and I had stripped down to my boxers and a t-shirt. I considered opening the window, but didn't want to chance having snow blow onto my bed, which I had pushed up against the wall with the window, to make some more space in the room. I had only been staying there for a couple days so far, but I planned on staying for a while longer.

Sheer luck got me away from the Stoneybrook PD in time. They couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes behind me, but somehow I managed to make it to the hotel I was staying, clean out my suite, and drive the forty miles outside of Stoneybrook to this dumpy little motel. On the way, I made the decision that nobody would see me without my disguise on from here on out. I just couldn't risk it.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled out a picture of Stacey that my private detective, Jackson, had taken for me. It was before the rape and she was smiling with her friend, Mary Anne, and looking so adorable, all bundled up in her hat and mittens. I studied her face for a long time before sighing and setting the picture down on the bed beside me. I flopped down backwards onto the bed beside it.

The heat in the room and the late hour where easily putting me to sleep. A yawn escaped from my mouth and I closed my eyes in defeat. I'd think more about what the hell I was going to do now tomorrow, when I wasn't about to pass out.

**SEVEN**

_"Help me! Please, Teddy, come help me!"_

_Her screams were ringing through my ears and piercing into my brain. I knew all at once whose voice I was hearing, but I didn't know why she was screaming. I had never heard my sister scream like that before in my life. She had never had a single reason to scream like that, not even a bad nightmare. She was a good enough kid and had led a fairly charmed life._

_"_Teddy!_"_

_It was louder this time and I cried out in pain, too, as the sound pierced my ears once again. Shocked at the pain, I covered my ears with my hands and began to run towards where I could hear her sobbing and begging. It didn't take very long before I found myself in front of my baby sister._

_She was sitting in a chair, her hands and feet bound to it. There was even a thick rope around her waist, holding her trapped. She began to scream my name again as she saw me and I reached out to her._

_"Jenny!" I dropped to my knees before her and started to fumble with the thick bundles of knots. "What happened? Why are you here?"_

_"Funny you should ask that." I looked up. His face was familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "I would've asked the exact same thing had you still been in my house when I got there."_

_"What the hell are you talking about?" I snapped. "Get her out of this thing."_

_He shook his head. "Sorry, Teddy, old boy. No can do. You see, there's this little thing called retribution."_

_"What?" I could feel the blood rush from my face. Every part of me was screaming out that I should free my baby sister as fast as humanly possible. It made my fingers feel fat and stubbornly slow._

_"You hurt the woman I love more than anything else." A knife was suddenly in his hands. How it got there, I couldn't say. "Now, I would do that same to you, but your love happens to be a friend of mine, so I'm going to have to settle for your baby sister."_

_"Teddy!" Jennifer screamed. "Get me out of here!"_

_"Who are you?" I demanded. My teeth were chattering. He played with the knife for a minute before answering._

_"Logan. You raped the woman I love. Remember, Teddy?" An image seemed to flash before my eyes. A broken brunette, lying in her own blood. "Remember her? Her name is Mary Anne, you son of a bitch."_

_"Teddy?" Jennifer whimpered. "Please… let's go now."_

_"Oh, shut up already," Logan groaned and the knife slid down my sister's cheek, leaving a bleeding red line. She began to scream again and I jumped to my feet._

_"_You bastard!_" I yelled and ran at him. Only, I got two steps and something grabbed hold of me and held me firmly in place. Looking down and around, I saw that nothing was holding me. I struggled a bit, but couldn't break free. Jenny continued to scream._

_"Did you like listening to my girl scream, too?" Logan asked. Jenny snapped her mouth shut, her chin trembling. "Did you get off on that?"_

_"Shut up!" Logan held the knife to the Jennifer's skin again and I shook my head. "Please, no! Please, don't touch her. Take me, all right?"_

_"Sorry it have to say it again: no. Can. Do."_

_This time, he bent over and plunged the blade into Jennifer's thigh. The screams were unbearable and I felt myself vomit._

_"Oh, God," I begged. "Please, _please_ let her go."_

_"Oh, sorry, Teddy. We're just getting started."_

**SEVEN**

The next morning I awoke to find the bed sheets drenched with my own sweat and the pillowcases soaked in my own tears. Each nightmare had rolled into the next and there was no sleeping pill in my arsenal to stop them. Eventually, I gave up and tried to get as much sleep as I could, which was painfully little, given the content of my nightmares.

**SEVEN**

I slid a cracked red leather jacket onto my back and studied my reflection in the mirror. I looked like an idiot, my hair brushed down over my forehead and a battered baseball hat tucked down on top of my hair. I had traded in my tailored pants for a paint-splattered pair of denim jeans.

I woke up early and went to the local thrift shop and it was obvious. Still, I had stacked up a decent amount of clothing that looked like what the locals were wearing and which were an affront to the custom-made clothing that I had tucked into my suitcase and shoved under the bed. I was careful to hang a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door before leaving, but I doubted that any maid would be coming; judging by the state the room was in when I first went in.

As I slid into my new, used car, I made sure to press on the fake mustache that did look real, but felt weird and strange over my upper lip. Lip ferrets weren't entirely cool.

By nine in the morning, I was parked across the street of the bakery that Stacey went to every morning on her early morning jogging route. I had watched her jog down the street, her breasts bouncing with each time she put a foot down. Wearing that little pink jogging suit with her hair tucked up into a white beret and her battered running shoes tied up with matching pink laces, I had to restrain myself from darting out to run to her and kiss her. A few stray locks of her newly dyed auburn hair were driving me crazy with desire.

Like usual, as she came out of the bakery, she was munching on her blueberry-pomegranate muffin and I was slouched down, pretending to read a paper as she walked up the street to the police station. The view from behind was just as good, I had to admit, watching her with a certain kind of appreciation that a man has with a prized horse or something that belonged to him that was light years above what ever other man had.

I set my paper down on the passenger seat as she went into the building. No sense in staring at a police station. It made people nervous; hell, it made _me_ nervous. So, I switched off the radio and drove out of the parking lot and made the commute out to where my ex-lover was now living. I knew that she had to come back here sooner rather than later and the disappearance of the police tape, indicating the house was a crime scene, was encouraging. I could watch the house from a distance- I had parked my car several miles down the road in a tourist trap parking lot and had walked all the way to their house.

I had been a star athlete in high school and prison had made me lean, sharp, and fast. Today I chose to use my gifts to climb high into an old oak tree, settling down on a particularly fat branch and pulling my binoculars out of the fanny pack I was wearing. Yes, I was wearing a fanny pack to blend in with the local hicks of Stoneybrook. God, I could not wait until I could scoop Stacey in my arms and hurry her onto my father's private plan, which I knew how to fly. I'd get out to Prague and we'd stay there until Stacey was good and ready to be my wife in every sense of the word.

In any case, I had noticed that Stacey was spending most of her days to close to home. They had installed a security system since I was last at the door. Stacey, for the past couple of days, set her things down in the doorway, reprogrammed the security system before going in and closing the door. The ever so slight shift of the door suggested that she also had a new deadbolt to throw and keep everyone, especially me, away. I wanted to assure her that I would never hurt her and that I had made the stupid mistake of ever hurting her before. I wanted to tell her that prison had changed her in my mind; she was no longer just a girl I liked, but a princess, an empress that I was deeply in love with.

I snapped to alertness and out of my daydreams as Stacey's red Camry came down the door and tumbled onto her unpaved driveway. She turned the car off, but stayed inside for a little while. I tried to make out what she was doing, but with her back turned and the car blocking most of her body anyways, I gave up.

Finally, she climbed out of her car with an armful of grocery bags. I was surprised that she didn't have a little bag from one of the boutiques tucked in with her groceries. She seemed to be constantly buying clothing and I loved that sophisticated, never-settle-for-less attitude of hers. God, what I wouldn't give to shove a handful of large bills into her hands and "command" her to go out and spend the money on shoes and clothing.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that the way Stacey stuck to her home would make it very hard to approach her. That cop that lived in the house probably had his friends checking on the house and anyone in it every so often, just to make sure everything was peachy-keen. I'd have to learn their schedules, too, as well the three people living in the house, Stacey included.

I decided to daydream until she came home…

**SEVEN**

_"No, Teddy!" Anastasia gasped, clinging onto my arm and trying to pull me back. "I am not getting a Ferris Wheel that just appears out of nowhere at a carnival."_

_I laughed and brushed a strand of her golden-honey colored hair. Her big blue eyes were pleading with me._

_"Honey, listen. Nobody has ever been hurt at the carnival."_

_Anastasia shook her head and began to walk away from me and the ride. "No way. Period, end of sentence. Of course, you're more than welcome to try it yourself, big guy." _

_I grabbed onto her hand and spun her back into my arms before she knew what was happening. Judging by the smile that lit her face, she was pleased about that little move, as were the kids applauding and laughing at what I had just done. She shook her hair out and away from her eyes._

_"Ballroom dancing moves? You must really want me to die up there, huh?"_

_I hugged her. "It'll be fine. I'll be there to protect you."_

_*_

_"Honey, what should I wear tonight?"_

_I was in the middle of tugging the blackest of my blackest socks onto my feet. I glanced over at my wife, who was holding up a floor length rose colored dress and a mid-calf high silver dress with what looked like it had diamond sprinkles on it. She was holding the silver dress slightly higher than the red. I smiled at her._

_"The rose one," I told her and she laughed._

_"Silver it is then!"_

_I watched her carefully as she changed into the gown, spun for me to see all aspects before she gracefully went to the mirror to add accessories and comb her carefully rolled curls back into their proper places. She opened her jewelry box and immediately selected the blue, heart-shaped diamond with tiny, clear and sparkling diamonds surrounding the heart diamond. The chain was platinum and had been a gift from my grandmother given just before she passed away._

_Still, for all its glory, it looked shabby next to my wife's beautiful face, stunning blue eyes, touchable hair, and her fantastically in-shape body. She just looked so good…_

_"Stop staring at me, baby," she told me as she slipped the matching earrings on. "You're making me feel like a giant crab cake."_

_My favorite, she knew. Everything about her was perfect and attuned to me. Our first child, Jane, was probably neglected for all the love that Anastasia showered on me daily. I didn't see how she had time for Jane or the new baby, so I was at least happy that we had a maid and nanny to oversee the little ones._

_"How I can I not stare? You're outdoing yourself in gorgeousness."_

_She smiled at me, that loving, understanding, beautiful smile of innocent contentment. She stood and came over to where I was and wrapped her arms around my waist._

_"Teddy, I love you."_

**SEVEN**

I sipped on my beer, feeling sullen and annoyed. Absolutely nothing was going as planned. I couldn't connect the dots together right so that Stacey would come rushing back into my life. I suppose I had only myself to blame for that. After all, I was the one who made it impossible for her to love me from the first day that I struck her in anger.

The bar I was sitting in wasn't much, but it was relatively safe, being more than a few miles outside of town. It was near the highway, giving drivers an excuse to turn in for the night and have a few beers to relax.

My beard was growing in, seeing how shaving had become a luxury for a fugitive of the law. I rubbed my hand on the stubble and sighed. I always hated having my beard grow in. I did it sometimes while I was in college, but I hate the way it itched and prickled on my skin as it grew.

"Hey, are you from around here?" a sweet feminine voice asked. I almost choked on my beer, thinking hopefully that it was my Stacey, but instead a different girl was staring back at my when I turned around. She smiled. "Do you talk?"

I nodded and she giggled. She had a certain childlike charm about her that reminded me of my sister, except in the sweet and honest Stoneybrook way. She had some kind of fruity drink in her hands and puckered her lips around the straw to take a deep drag of whatever was in the glass. I grinned back at her.

"Sure, I talk," I told her. "It just depends on if the conversation is interesting enough."

"Well," she said, tossing back a mound of curly, dark auburn hair. "We don't _have_ to talk, if you don't want to." She raised an eyebrow suggestively.

I held up my beer and clinked gently against her glass. "That would probably a lot more interesting, come to think of it."

She nodded and her eyes that were such a dark green that they reminded me of a dark pine forest. It wasn't a sexy metaphor that I would've liked to come up with, but that was the best I could with four beers in my stomach and nothing else.

"What your name, sweetheart?" I asked, leaning in close to her ear. She shivered with the small gusts of my breath escaping with every word. "I promise I won't tell anyone else."

"Margo," she said. "I'm thinking about changing it once I hit the big time."

"Yeah? What is it you do?"

"Local modeling, but I hope to be able to cross over into bigger jobs until I become well known enough to start acting in movies," she said, blushing. "I tend to set _really_ high goals to meet."

I looked her over. "Not with that body, you don't. Just think. I could say I knew you before you went big."

"Let's stop talking," she said, pulling away from me. "I think we both know what we need and all that's left to say is: your place or mine?"

I nodded. "Cheap motel sound all right?"

Margo laughed, her eyes twinkling. "I can settle."

**SEVEN**

I decided to rent a hotel room on the opposite side of Stoneybrook than the one I was living in. I wanted to keep that place a secret from Stoneybrook. The last thing I needed was to have someone be able to tell where it was I was staying. Everything would be over before I had the chance to move out and find somewhere else secluded and virtually unknown.

The room that I rented was much nicer and much sexier than the bare walls with cracked cement or the musky smelling sheets where I normally slept. This hotel actually had decent housekeeping and the king sized bed was beautifully made up with extra blankets stacked onto the end.

Of course, I didn't notice much more than that, seeing as how I was busy French kissing this young, _tall_, gorgeous girl. I had my tongue in her mouth and my hand fumbling with the buttons of her blouse. She pushed my hands away roughly and began to undo them herself. I decided to play it rough like she was and grabbed her ass hard and hoisted her up around my waist, slamming her back against the wall. She let out a muffled gasp, but it seemed to make her even more interested in what we came here to do.

"_Yes_," she breathed and I smiled. _I still got it._

I moved her away from the wall, holding her up around my waist by clamping down on her thighs. I dropped her down onto the bed and we each spent a moment or two undressing ourselves. This little girl didn't need any prompting- it was clear that she knew precisely what she was doing. She laughed as she kicked her panties and bra off the bed.

I grabbed onto her hips and dragged her down to the edge of the bed. She locked her legs around me, welcoming invitation. I slammed into her body with one quick, sharp motion. She let out a cry of pain and started to sit up. I wrapped one hand around her throat and pushed her down. Margo, if that was her real name, started to claw at the arm that was holding her down, so I set a tempo that was even a little rough for me. Margo began to sob and, once more, I felt myself drifting away.

"Please!" she cried out. "Let go of me! _Please!_"

"Shut _up_," I heard myself growl. "Just lay there like a good little whore."

Margo turned her face from me and closed her eyes tightly. She didn't say anything else the remainder of the time, only cried out in pain, whimpering weakly towards the end.

When I finished, I pulled out of her sharply and something inside me relished in her final gasp of pain. I stood there for a moment and began to get dressed. I ignored the girl's whimpering as she scooted to the other side of the bed, away from me, leaving a trail of wet, fresh blood behind her. She grabbed a pillow and held it up in front of her, sobbing weakly.

"Sorry, Margo," I told her. I wasn't sorry, though. It just felt like it needed to be said. "Remember now, _this_ is why you don't have sex with strangers."

She burst into louder, more hysterical sobs at that and I decided that it was time to get my ass out of there. I shrugged into my coat, waved at her, and slipped out of the room as fast and as quietly as I could. I just needed to get into her car, use the key that I had dropped in my pocket while she was in the bathroom, dump the car, and then walk to the bar to pick up my own car and drive it out to my rat's hole of a motel room.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I am terribly sorry for the long wait, but I thank God that my writer's block has been broken... or whatever the term for it going away is. Anyways, I just want to tell all of my readers that I love them so much for sticking with this sorry and hoping that I would actually update it again. I sincerely hope that you all like it and don't be shy about leaving some reviews for this new chapter, good or bad.


	8. Reacting

**Chapter Eight: Reacting**

_Mary Anne_

_March 3_

"Mary Anne?" a hazy voice asked. I shook my head a little; I felt very far away from whoever was trying to get my attention.

"Mary Anne? Are you all right? _Mary Anne!_"

I opened my eyes slowly. The TV was blaring in front of me, both cats meowing their distress about the loud noise. If I look directly ahead of me, Stacey was squatted down in front of me, her beautiful blue eyes filled with worry and concern. I swallowed roughly; my throat was so dry from the new barrage of drugs I have been given in order to make my trauma's aftermath not quite so bad. Stacey noticed.

"Would you like me to get you anything before I have to leave for work?" she asked.

"Don't take too long. I'm already running on being late," Logan warned Stacey. She rolled her eyes at me. I forced myself to give her a tiny smile.

"No," I responded. "I'm OK."

Stacey and Logan exchanged worried looks, which I didn't comment on, before Logan nodded. "I'll set up the couch in the living room with sheets and things, M-A. And I'll bring down a stack of DVDs, too." He ruffled the dirty blonde hair on his head with his fingers, leaving several locks of hair standing out in protest. "And, I'll bring down your IPod and some clothes that need to be fixed so that you'll have projects to do while we're gone."

As he left the room, Stacey kissed my forehead and stood up. She smiled warmly when I finally met her eyes.

"And, while he's busy doing that, I'll bring up frozen food, especially Cherry Garcia ice cream to tide you over while we're gone today."

"Thanks."

I sat placidly on the doughnut pillow that supported me after the physical tearing and bruising that Teddy had caused. I wish the doughnut was being used after having a baby, instead of for this wicked cause.

Soon enough, they left; Stacey off to baby-sit Kristy's twins, Maggie and Nora, as well as watching Kristy's new, serious boyfriend's son, Robbie. She was dating Pete Black now and it was definitely heading towards an engagement soon. They really were in love, which I thought was great for Kristy. She deserved to be happy after all that she had been through. Besides, Kristy's kids are a breeze to look after, even though it seems like they never stop moving.

I reached over to the remote for the television and turned off the loud TV. The cats scampered out of the room. I watched them go as though I was watching everything go by through a pair of warped glasses. I wasn't doing anything myself; the girl on the other side of my hazy goggles was. She moved just as slow as I did, too.

From my seat on the gray and white loveseat, I looked over at the couch that Stacey and Logan had fixed up for me. The old couch, the one that Teddy raped me on, had been sent straight to the junkyard and Logan had purchased a soft yellow, plushy couch that suited Stacey and I more than him. Logan has always been a good, kind-hearted man. Even though I don't feel so very lucky right now, I know that I _am_ lucky to have him and lucky that he loves me like he does.

I got to my feet and headed over to the couch and picked up a pair of dark blue uniform pants for Logan. He had ripped one of the pockets almost all the way off and there was a hole down one seam of the leg. I shook my head. Logan ripped and tore more clothes than anyone else I had ever met. I rummaged through my pink sewing box that had the French cats and words on it and came up with the huge spool of dark blue thread. I threaded the needle and got to work fixing his back pocket. Once that was done, I started on his seam, but suddenly lost my steam. I set the pants down carefully and sighed.

I picked up one of the many books Stacey had left me. She had pulled them straight off my "haven't read" bookcase, so she knew that something in the pile would interest me. I selected a book entitled _Bird by Bird_ by Anne Lamott. I got about 15 pages or so in before slipping a bookmark into place. I really could not focus enough to read. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration before getting up and going into the kitchen to wash the dishes and clean.

That, too, only lasted a little while before I wanted to toss the dishes away from me in disgust. It was not that they were disgusting, it was that I felt disgust from not being able to focus on anything that I was trying to do.

Angry and frustrated, I stomped back into the living room and stared once more at our couch. I debated with myself over putting in a DVD then decided against it because it, too, would probably not hold my attention and I would become even more upset than I already was.

**EIGHT**

_I was falling down a long, dark hole when suddenly, hands dressed in white gloves surrounded me and held on so that I wouldn't keep falling. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around._

_"Where am I?"_

_"Where do you want to be?" several male voices asked all at once._

_"Home."_

_"We can arrange that."_

_Then I was falling again, but the walls were shrinking in closer to my body. I was going to be crushed, I knew. I began to scream and sob at the same time, reaching out with my hands to grab onto something to catch myself. I could feel my fingernails chipping and snapping and started to call desperately for my father. He could save me. He always had when I was just a little girl. I was still his little girl, I noticed, watching for a moment as one of my long pigtails flapped against my face. It had a pink ribbon tied to the end. Just like when I was small._

_Something warm pressed against my forehead, something like a kiss. I began to scream even louder and started fighting away whatever it was that had tried to take advantage of me._

_"Mary Anne!" It was Logan's voice. How sick that this tunnel would have Logan's voice call to me. My sobs were stating to hurt my chest. "Wake up, Mary Anne!"_

_Wake up…_

I screamed.

Then I opened my eyes to find Logan pinning my arms down at my sides and sitting close to me, his blue eyes filled with fear and concern. I felt hot tears on my face and struggled to pull my hands free. Logan let me go, but continued to watch as I tried to wipe away my tears. I tried a smile out for him and Logan winced.

_Oh, God. Teddy._

It flashed through my head so fast that I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. My face crumpled and a sudden loud sob bubbled up from inside of me. Logan immediately pulled me up into a sitting position and hugged me close to his chest. I was shaking so hard, I could've sworn I made him shake along with me. Gentle fingers combed through my long, dark hair.

"That's my girl," Logan whispered in soothing tones. I remained rigid and tense with fear and apprehension until the nightmare dissipated. Only once the memories began to retreat back further into my mind, did I finally look up into his face and maintained my gaze. "That's my girl," he repeated.

"Oh, _Logan_," I moaned miserably. He hugged me tighter. "When is this going to get out of my head?"

He stared at me for a bit before answering, "It's different for every single survivor, honey, but you've had less than a month. Give it at least six months before asking that question again."

He was simply spouting out what he was trained to say to battered woman. We shared everything and I knew that it had never before occurred to him that, in his wildest, darkest dreams, he'd be saying this to his own girlfriend. I hadn't thought so, too, but that was _before_. Now that it was _after_, I felt very much like a battered woman. Could I be a rape victim and a battered woman if he only did it to me once?

I nestled my head against his chest and closed my eyes, tears still slipping past my dark lashes and onto my paler than usual cheeks. His hand came up to my face and cupped my cheek, catching the tears as they fell.

We stayed like that for a long time, me crying and full of unspoken questions and Logan holding tight as though he were afraid I've shattered apart if he let go. Every so often, he dropped a light kiss on my cheek, on my forehead, and even on my lips a couple of times. I am happily amazed that his kisses were comfort to me instead nauseating reminders of what had happened between Teddy and me. I reached up and combed my fingers into Logan's hair.

"I love you," I could barely whisper. Logan cupped my chin gently in his hand and tilted my face so that my eyes met his.

"I adore you," he said with such a warm and comfortable voice that all I could do was go limp against him. "This is going to take a long time, but I'm going to be with you for the long run."

I don't know if he heard my breathy 'thank you,' but he squeezed me slightly before I slipped into a much less troubled sleep than before.

**EIGHT**

Later that same day, Logan gently woke me up for dinner. Stacey had been home for a couple of hours, reading through the newspaper for any hint or trace of something that sounded like Teddy Thomas. Kristy and Pete had joined us for dinner that night, as well (the kids were with Kristy's parents, Elizabeth and Watson). I felt embarrassed with my sleep mussed hair and the dried tear crust around my eyes, but nobody said a word about either. Instead, once she knew I was awake, Kristy sat down next to me and swung an arm around me.

"Mary Anne, how often have I told you that you were my best friend?" she said. I smiled.

"So many times that I don't even know," I replied. She nodded.

"And, how many times have I told that you mean the world to me and that so long as I'm around, you're not going to be hurt by that loser again?"

I swallowed, feeling tears welling up in my throat. "I think that this is the first time, Kristy."

"Well, it's true," she said softly. "And I want you to know that it's true."

"I do."

She smiled her most winning smile and hugged me with one arm. Signature Kristy hug. It felt good to feel something so old and familiar after so many instances of new and alarming. I hugged her back.

"Come on," she said. "Let's see if dinner is ready yet."

Pete and Logan had shooed us girls from the kitchen tonight, insisting that they would make dinner. Pete was a decent chef because of the picky kid he had at home, but Logan was so unused to cooking that I feared he would accidentally set fire to whatever Pete made. Stacey had laughed about that same idea and Logan had carried her bodily from the kitchen, putting up a 'Do Not Enter' sign (made from a paper napkin and Sharpie marker) on the door.

Kristy tapped on the door before pushing it slightly open. "Hello? Is anyone still alive in here?"

"Alive and now a skilled chef!" Logan retorted loudly. "Stace! Come and get some food!"

Stacey skidded across the floor on her sock feet into the kitchen. "I _am_ starving," she told Pete as she walked past Logan. The two exchanged a glance that felt strange to me, but I let it pass as Kristy took my arm and pulled me into the dining room for dinner.

Halfway through dinner, Logan glanced at me and cleared his throat. "So, I have some news about Thomas, if you all are OK with hearing it."

"What?" Stacey said immediately, looking suddenly pale and nervous. Kristy clasped her hand over Stacey's before looking hesitantly at me.

"Well, Kristy you know about Margo Pike, right?"

Kristy nodded. She had stayed in contact with many of our former clients and now some of our clients babysat for Kristy's children. She was usually on top of Stoneybrook gossip.

"What happened to Margo Pike?" I asked quietly.

"She was raped," Kristy said softly. I swallowed roughly and Stacey pushed her chair back from the table.

"God, this is _all_ my fault," she said in breathy voice. "What am I _doing_ to everyone?"

She shook her hand free of Kristy, stood up, and fled the room. I looked quietly where she had run before hanging my head. Kristy stood up.

"I'll go," she said when Logan began to stand. "Take care of Mary Anne."

I shook my head when Logan's arm came to wrap around me then slumped against him.

"Oh, God. Logan, when is this going to end?" I whispered. I could feel his fast, but steady heartbeat on my back and closed my eyes to connect with him better. He swept his finger through my hair then kissed the top of my head.

"I don't know, sweetheart," he replied. "But, it'll be soon. Don't worry."

_Don't worry?_ What else could I do _but_ worry.

**EIGHT**

My knock on the door was tentative, at best. I looked around the front yard as I waited for the door to be answered. It didn't look the same without the toys strewn about, sledding ice ramps and lanes the kids used to make by packing the snow to make a high ramp and using buckets of water to smooth the lane and ramp, but also turn it into a super-fast, death-wish sledding adventure. A smile curled on my lips as I remembered baby-sitting for the Pike kids when they had come up with this invention. Even Mallory wanted to try it out.

"Mary Anne!" Mrs. Pike said suddenly and I jumped from my memories to the present. "Come inside, you must be _freezing_."

Mrs. Pike practically dragged me indoors and wrapped a hand knitted shawl around me once I took my coat off. I smiled. Mrs. Pike would always be a mother, in the purest sense of the term. I hugged her spontaneously, missing Sharon as I did. I'd probably need to go and spend some time with my father and stepmother. Maybe Dawn would even come over and we'd be an almost complete family, what with Jeff in college in North Carolina.

"So, what brings you here at this time of the night?" Mrs. Pike asked. It was seven thirty.

I looked down at my hands and fingered the interweaved golden ring that Logan had given to me as a kind of pre-engagement ring. I closed my eyes, wetted my lips, and then finally looked back up at her.

"I need to see Margo."

Mrs. Pike blinked. "She won't see anyone yet, dear. Poor Mallory can't even sleep in their old bedroom, Margo is so upset."

"I know she's upset, but Mrs. Pike, _I'm_ upset, too. Teddy Thomas raped Margo and he raped me, too," I told her and was surprised that I didn't collapse into debilitating tears. Mrs. Pike stared at me with wide eyes.

"He… he hurt you, too?" she asked, tears starting to flow down her cheeks. "He's been hurting _more_ girls?"

I nodded. "The police are trying to keep things as quiet as possible so that people don't panic and so that they can easily lure Teddy to a place where they can capture him," I parroted what Logan had told me. "But, Mrs. Pike, I have to talk to Margo. I'm the only one right now who knows what she has been through."

Mrs. Pike nodded slowly. "You're right. You're _always_ right, Mary Anne. Your father taught you well and you've just got a good head on you." She took my hand gently. "Follow me."

We went upstairs to the old room that Vanessa and Mallory used to share. Since most of the kids (excluding Claire and Byron) had moved out and were on their own, the bedrooms had been switched around. That was, of course, including the two additional rooms that the Pikes had built onto the back of the house. Their youngest son, Daniel, had been born when Claire was eight and definitely was a surprise. Luckily, money wasn't a problem at that time and the family tacked on those two rooms to separate the boys into two room instead of one and so that the family could use their old room as a nursery for little Daniel.

Nowadays, Daniel was stayed downstairs in one of the additions and Byron was living right next door in the second addition. Claire had redecorated the room that used to be Mallory and Vanessa's into her own room. Since Margo had come home from her apartment, she was staying in that bedroom, which was suited to her taste better than the guest bedroom. That was where poor Claire was bumped to (she didn't seem to mind, Mrs. Pike assured me as we walked upstairs) and where Mallory was also sleeping since Margo would let nobody in at night.

I could hear music playing from the old boys' bedroom and knew that Claire and Mallory were probably listening to music or watching a TV show. I decided that I would not see them this night unless I bumped into them on my way out. I let Mrs. Pike know and was surprised when she massaged my shoulder and told me to do what I had to do and that she would make sure that we weren't going to be bothered.

After all that, I tapped on Margo's door and waited. After a long minute, she cracked open the door slightly. She eyed me warily before looking to her mother.

"I don't _want_ company," she whined. I felt my sympathy level rise, despite her somewhat irritating whine. I hadn't wanted company, either. In fact, I still felt uneasy when anyone but Logan or Stacey was in the house.

"I'm sorry, Margo," I said quickly. Her shadowed eyes hovered back to my face. "I'm _so_ sorry about what happened to you and I know how you feel."

She slammed her door open. "No, you _don't!_ You don't what it's like for a guy to force his –"

"I _do!_ He raped me, too!" I cried out over her. Margo stared at me for a moment before her face crumbled.

"_Why?_" she wailed suddenly, wrapping me in a tight hug. "Why?"

I took a couple of steps into the room and pushed the door shut behind me. That's when Margo's legs gave out under her and we both spilled to the ground, nobody hurt. Margo continued to sob hysterically into my sweater and I lay there, stroking her hair, and letting her cry. After a long time, Margo's body stilled and her breathing become more normal. I looked down to see her forest green eyes staring back up at me.

"Have you made any sense out of this?" she asked. I shook my head.

"I don't know if I ever will," I confessed. "What he did…"

"I can't believe it…" she murmured. "It was… it felt like…"

"Like I didn't even own my body."

"Right. Like it was his own to do what he wanted."

"I wanted to die."  
"I still do."

I wiped a loose piece of hair from her forehead and nodded. "So do I, sometimes. But we _can't_."

Margo bent her head and began to cry again. "Why not? It's _my_ body now."

For a terrifying moment, I was apt to agree with her, but something deep inside of me shouted back that this was simply a momentary lapse in good judgment. Staying alive and working through this would be our vengeance. I told that to Margo and she stopped crying.

"You think so?"

"I have this gut feeling that makes me want to tell you that I know so." She smiled faintly. "We _have_ to get through this and there are people who love us who are going to help us get through this."

"Yeah," she murmured.

I sat up, pulling Margo with me. "Listen. I say we get some hot cocoa, pop in a silly movie, and then go to bed. Let's not draw out this evening."

"Where are you sleeping?" Margo wanted to know.

"Probably on the couch."

She held onto my hand as I started to climb to my feet. "Stay in here with me. Claire has a massive bed anyways. Why not share?"

I laughed. "I'm going to go and make that cocoa, kiddo."

**EIGHT**

I returned home early the next morning. I wasn't planning on going to work, but I did want to see Logan and Stacey off before they left for the day. I parked my car in the driveway, amidst the freshly fallen snow, and trudged up to the house. I could see Logan and Stacey talking in the window beside the door and raised my hand to wave. Before I could call out to them, Stacey was in Logan's arms.

I was shocked into speechlessness as I watched them kiss passionately and hungrily. It was the kind of kiss lovers participated in when they knew they didn't have much time, but were still so hungry for the taste of one another. Logan slipped his hand up the back of Stacey's shirt and I looked away in horror. I waited a few moments before calling out.

"Logan! Stacey! I'm hooooo-me!"

When I opened the door, they were standing apart and even breathing and looking normally, like nothing had happened. I could definitely pretend that nothing had happened. I reached to Stacey first and hugged her.

"Have a good day, Stace," I told her before turning to Logan and wrapped my arms around his narrow waist. "Give me a kiss?"

He leaned down and kissed my lips so chastely that I wanted to start crying right there. He didn't want me anymore- _he wanted Stacey!_

I watched them both leave before racing upstairs and flinging myself on the bed Logan and I shared. My sobs were rough and felt like they were ripping my chest apart. I clung to the comforter, almost afraid that if I didn't, I'd fall and who knew where I would fall to in this crazy, dark world that I was suddenly now in. Slowly, the world became blurrier and softer. I sighed, closed my eyes, and allowed sleep to suck me in.


	9. Stress

**Chapter Nine: Stress**

_Stacey_

_March 7_

"Logan," I felt the gasp escape from my lips in a hurried rush. "_Please_. Logan, please, _faster_."

I clung to the back of his t-shirt, my eyes closed tight, wishing that I could somehow make this hurried meeting between lovers last longer and at the same time praying that we finished soon and were not caught by Mary Anne. At some level, I knew that Mary Anne was perfectly aware of what we were doing and I don't think I could've handled the expression on her face if she caught us outright.

At the moment, Logan was on top of me, thrusting into my body harder and faster with each thrust. I now had to bite my lip to hold back the cries of pain and pleasure that I would be releasing, if I knew I had the freedom. I tried to shift my grip to his shoulders, but he was moving too fast and I nearly had my arms knocked up over my head at the attempt. I settled for clinging to Logan's hard policeman's body as best I could as he thrust painfully hard once, twice then shook for a long moment before collapsing on top of me.

I hadn't come, but it didn't matter this time as I stroked Logan's sweaty hair and held onto his muscular back. What mattered was that we had been together, he had been inside of me again, and it had been the most wonderful experience of my life, even with my lack of 'satisfaction.' Anyways, I felt good enough and my heart was bursting with love for this man I had no right to being loving in the way I was. I lifted his head so that I could see his face. Those brilliant blue eyes met mine and he smiled one of his slow, lazy smiles. I kissed him gently.

"I love you, you know," I whispered. He nodded and swallowed. He was still struggling to catch his breath.

"God, Stacey," he panted. "I can't believe I love you, too."

I laughed softly. "Yeah, we certainly picked the wrong people."

"Tell me about it." His eyes focused intensely on mine and I knew that he was about to pull out of me. I prepared for it and there was only a little discomfort when he did. Logan winced a little, too, and kissed my forehead once he was out. "Stace, how can we keep doing this?"

He stood up and I watched him put his denim jeans back on over his blue plaid boxers that Mary Anne had bought new for him just days before Valentine's Day. No wonder Mary Anne was so madly, deeply in love with him and no wonder I was falling for him. Besides the golden personality, there was the absolutely, perfectly god-like body that Logan was blessed with. I loved to just watch him dress and undress. Sometimes I got lost in what he was saying as I watched his perfect muscles ripple and flex.

I shook my head and met his eyes. He was holding a gray shirt in his hand, obviously too concerned about my answer to continue dressing.

"Do you want to keep doing this, Logan?" I asked in a small voice.

His hands clasped my upper arms in an instant, shirt forgotten, and pulled me upright. "Stacey, I love Mary Anne with everything in my heart and soul and it is killing me that we are betraying her like this. But, Stacey, I love you, too. I don't know why it's in my heart and part of me wishes it wasn't there, but it is. You are a part of me now and I think you've always been a part of me." He released one of my arms to stroke my hair. "I guess I was just too wrapped around Mary Anne to ever notice you inside of me." He paused and searched my eyes desperately. "Does that even make sense?"

"More than you know," I whispered in return. He sat down next to me on the bed and just looked at me. I was happy to return the loving gesture.

Though I was watching Logan, studying his face and hair with the proper detail of a devoted lover, which left my mind to do a little bit of thinking.

We were in my queen sized bed with the red silk sheets and the white cotton quilt with silk Japanese flowers whose name escapes me now. Mary Anne had laughingly called my new bedding my "hooker" bedding. Now, she didn't seem at all interested in touching the silk sheets like she had been before. She must know that this was the bed where we made love. Neither of us could bring ourselves to make love on the bed that Logan shared with Mary Anne. It just seemed like the most insulting thing that we could do to her.

"I could look into your eyes for hours," Logan whispered. I smiled, feeling a blush on my cheeks.

"Put your shirt on, sweetie," I told him. "Mary Anne could be home any minute."

"When do you think we should tell her?" he asked earnestly.

We both clung to one another desperately for a moment at the sound of the front door opening. I quickly opened the drawer on my nightstand and whipped out a bottle of after shave that Logan wore. I sprayed it on him closely then kissed him passionately.

"Get out," I hissed.

He slipped out of the room so fast it was like he was never in here. I replaced the tiny bottle and shut the drawer. A bigger bottle of a Victoria's Secret scent was on top of the nightstand. I sprayed myself with that and then sprayed the air lightly. I tugged on a nightgown as I heard Mary Anne call our names and begin to climb the stairs. I couldn't have the musky smell of sex in the air when she came in. If she did.

Everything else was all set up. It looked like I was spending the day in bed with cramps. Mary Anne tapped on my door first.

"Whoa!" she gasped when she opened the door. I turned away from the small TV I had just turned on and looked at her quizzically. She waved her hand in front of her face. "There's a lot of smelly stuff in here."

"Oh, that," I said lazily. "It was getting stuffy in here and I was too lazy to open the window."

She shook her head with a smile that said 'Oh, Stacey.' "Well, let me open it, then. It's super stuffy and now flowery in here."

After she left and was safely downstairs with Logan once more, I buried my head in my pillow and let out the loudest wail of despair that I dared.

* * *

Of course, the guilt that I felt for being in a relationship with my best friend's boyfriend, right after everything that had happened to her was almost unbearable. The sensible part of me screamed that I should do the smart thing and just end my relationship with Logan. Never mind that I had never felt happier in my life than when I was with him. It didn't matter because he was Mary Anne's and she did not deserve another crushing disappointment, this time directly at my hand.

I knew she knew. Somehow, some way, she knew. It was killing me inside to know that we were hurting her like this and it was everything I could do to make it up to her. I made up my mind to do everything I could to make it up to Mary Anne and to ensure that she would have nothing to do want for. Even if I was being a horrible person and continuing my relationship with Logan.

That morning, Mary Anne was seated in front of the TV, not eating or doing anything exactly, except staring mildly at the screen. Sometimes I wondered if she was even watching the TV or just using it as an excuse to wander away into her mind. I cleared my throat and she slowly looked up at me.

"I'm going to make some eggs," I said in a bright, cheerful voice. "How would you like yours?"

"I'm not really hungry," she said softly. "Thanks anyways."

"Oh, come on, Mary Anne," I insisted. She frowned. I didn't want to push, but I did want to see her eat something. "You have to eat. I don't remember the last time I saw you put food in your mouth."

She shrugged. "Over easy, then, Stace. Just one, though. I'm not that hungry."

"Excellent! Do you want some toast; maybe I could fry up some sausage?"

Mary Anne winced. "Just the egg and a slice of toast. And some V-8."

Mary Anne was the only person our age who I knew drank tomato juice. I found it appalling. I gave her a smile and a salute.

"Coming right up!" I told her cheerfully and she only gave me a half smile in return before returning her attention to the television again.

_

* * *

_

March 8

* * *

"So, this is how you help someone knit?" I asked with a small laugh in my voice. Mary Anne glanced over at me and smiled.

"It's not glamorous, no, but that's what you have to do."

We were seated across from one another upstairs in Mary Anne's 'craft room.' She had all kinds of half-finished arts and crafts in there and it was some place that I just knew Claudia Kishi would be all over in an instant. Of course, some of the projects, especially those knitting and quilting projects, were completed and either hung up to admire (like the sunrise quilt that she made and was hanging in a massive frame in the family room) or kept us snuggled up and warm at night. Right now, she was working on knitting a mess of colorful children's socks that she was planning on donating once she had enough pairs. While she knit, I held the yarn to make sure it didn't tangle.

Mary Anne glanced up at me every so often, her mouth making a tiny puckered expression each time she did. I returned each glance with a sunny smile as though I didn't know why she was shooting me those looks. She always looked back down, cowed for the moment and undoubtedly unsure what to make of me. I have never felt like a bigger jerk.

"These are looking absolutely adorable," I told her quietly. It was a quiet afternoon. Mary Anne paused in her knitting to study one of the socks. She smiled at its soft pinkness.

"Thank you," she answered sincerely. "I just hope the kids will like them, you know?"

"I'm sure they will," I told her. "I mean, look at how bright and colorful some of these are. They scream for kids' feet."

She laughed softly. "I suppose." She knit a few more stitches. "You know, you should pick up a project if you're going to be staying home until Teddy is caught."

"A project?" I asked.

"Yeah. Something creative and crafty. Something that you can donate or just use to decorate this blank slate of a house with." Her soft brown eyes studied me patiently. I shifted nervously in my seat. "If you want, I can help you start something. I can help you learn how to do a new hobby; I do know how to do an absurd amount of crafty little things."

I nodded slowly. "That would be nice."

"So?"

"What?"

"What do you want to learn how to do?" Mary Anne set down her knitting, so I handed her the yarn that I had been keeping straight for her. She quickly bundled it up then smiled at me. "I think you'd like quilting, to be honest. You could definitely make a huge quilt to hang on the wall in the living room. There's almost nothing hanging in there… well, except for a couple of tiny picture frames. The room needs something big and warm like a wall hanging to soften and brighten it up."

I smiled in return. "That could be fun, Mary Anne. Though, it would take a lot of time."

"Is there something else it would be interrupting?" she asked with perfect calm.

I froze. She must know. I wanted to break down into tears and confess everything to her. I wanted to crawl on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness. But, I didn't. Instead, I managed to shake my head before too much time had passed.

"Nothing, Mary Anne."

_

* * *

_

March 9

* * *

My stomach was starting to hurt. Not just the little fluttery kind of aches, but real churning, throbbing pains. I held my hand over it and pressed down every so often, biting my lip to keep from moaning in pain. I didn't want poor Mary Anne to see my sick with my own nerves.

I smiled as she entered the room. She studied me for a long moment before speaking.

"Are you all right?" she asked, looking concerned.

I gave her my brightest smile. "Of course I am. My breakfast burrito is just giving me some trouble."

"Uh-huh."

Mary Anne left the room without saying anything else.

At first I was confused. Then it hit me. She didn't want to be around me anymore. She was getting sick of me and my false cheeriness, the way I was trying so hard to make things between us happy. I covered my hand with my face and began to weep.

There was nothing that I could anymore. I was losing one of my best friends in the world and I did everything to deserve it.

_

* * *

_

March 10

* * *

I stared dumbly down at the bathroom scale. I had lost 15 pounds. I'm diabetic. I had been at the perfect weight for my height and now I had dropped 15 pounds? It wasn't just that I suddenly realized how much skinnier I looked; I also realized how this could suddenly turn into a health crisis.

I began to shake. I didn't even notice Logan open the door to the bathroom.

"Oh, sorry!" he apologized. "The door was partly open and I didn't think anyone was in here. I'll just go and… Stace? Oh, God, Stacey, what's wrong?"

Logan turned me around and was holding me so tight and close. I began to sob painfully hard into his gray t-shirt, my entire shivering with fear and a general sense of being overwhelmed. His hold on me was comforting and I closed my eyes, letting my body release all the pent-up stress it was holding inside.

"Honey, what's going on?" a feminine voice asked sharply. Mary Anne.

"It's Stacey," Logan instantly responded. "She's shaking and crying and I can't figure out why."

Mary Anne's voice softened. "Let's get her into her bedroom, Logan, and lie her down."

Logan led me slowly out of the bathroom and I felt Mary Anne's arm slip around my waist as we entered the hallway. I wanted to collapse against her and sob, but I knew better. She was my best friend and I couldn't even take too much comfort in her touch.

By the time they got me to my room and had me seated on the bed, the shivering had stopped, but not the tears. Mary Anne sat on the bed beside me, holding me close to her while Logan crouched in front of me.

"What's happening?" Mary Anne asked gently.

"I just lost 15 pounds and I'm scared that I'm going to lose more weight and that my diabetes is going to start going haywire because of it and that I'll land in the hospital and I don't want to go to the hospital, please?" I blurted out in one breath and began to cry again. Mary Anne squeezed me gently and Logan took my hand.

"Let me make a few calls, all right?" he asked. "I'll be right back when I'm done." I nodded. "Mary Anne will stay with you while I'm gone."

Mary Anne pushed gently at my shoulder. "Honey, lie down. You need to calm down. Here, I'll stay beside you."

We both rested our heads on my massive supply of pillows and I sighed. This is what I wanted. My best friends back. Except that I still loved Logan. I hugged Mary Anne to me.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

She kissed my forehead. "I know."

_

* * *

_

March 13

* * *

It was a mad house. The calls that Logan had made had been to Kristy and Claudia. He asked Claudia, who was my other best friend and had been since we were 12, to move in with us. Of course, it wasn't just Claudia anymore, but her boyfriend Jack and a nine year old girl named Kaylee who they had adopted when a dear friend of Jack's passed away from AIDS. So, it would be Claudia, Jack, and little Kaylee moving in with us.

Logan reasoned that having Claudia around would help ease some tension in the house as well generally lighten things up. Kaylee, too, especially since Mary Anne was so taken with kids. Jack and Logan were good friends and Jack would give Logan a male on his side against a houseful of women.

Kristy and Pete, along with Kristy's siblings Benny, Karen, Andrew, and Emily Michelle, were going to help with the moving in since it was a weekend and the older kids were home from college. Of course, they had to bring their kids with them, but Grace Brewer (Kristy's baby half-sister) and Kaylee were the official baby-sitters for the little kids.

I stayed upstairs in my bedroom, out of the way of all the clashing and banging downstairs. I was surprised by Mary Anne, who seemed to be having a great time organizing everything and telling everyone where to take things.

There was a small apartment-like area downstairs. It was off the kitchen and had two bedrooms very close to one another. They were basically set away from the rest of the house and had clearly been used as the maid's rooms when Logan's Great-Aunt lived here. Still, the rooms were big and Claudia and Jack instantly liked them. Kaylee, on the other hand, did not. So, she was rooming upstairs, in the bedroom next to mine, next to the bay window in the hallway, which Mary Anne adored and often tucked herself into.

Kaylee was excited to be living next door to me since I was her favorite "aunt" and she adored being near me. I helped her decorated the plain dark wooden room into something cozy for a preteen. We hung up her favorite quilt which was purple and white with tiny red flowers sprinkled all over it (compliments of Mary Anne) on the wall across from the window. It took up nearly the entire wall. We slid her bed beside the window so that she could look out whenever she was on her bed. Her writing desk went on the same wall as the door as did two of her bookcases. Her other three, smaller book cases, we scattered throughout the room. All in all, it was a much smaller, but much cozier room for a preteen now. Especially one who had lived in a cramped apartment her entire life.

When it was all done, late that night, Kaylee collapsed into my bed and fell asleep. I didn't have the heart to move her, so I pulled the covers up over both of us and shut my eyes. Having these three here was definitely going to be something good for us all.


	10. The Blizzard

**Chapter Ten: The Blizzard**

_Logan and various_

_March 17_

"Are they _serious?_" Kristy shouted. Mary Anne winced and continued helping Stacey mixed together the salad in one of the massive wooden bowls we owned. We had over 20 people coming to our home for dinner and Stacey was just now realizing that her "little St. Patrick's Day party" wasn't as "little" as she had planned it. Stacey looked up from the salad when Mary Anne didn't.

"What do you mean?" she called back into the living room. There was some shuffling before Kristy appeared in the doorway.

"This snow? This _five_ inches. We're supposed to get another _seven inches_ in the next _two_ hours." She looked around for reactions. Mary Anne made a face.

"Isn't it supposed to almost be spring?" I asked. Kristy shrugged.

"Apparently Mother Nature lost that memo," she grumbled. She watched Stacey and Mary Anne for a long moment. "Need some help?"

"You think?" Mary Anne snapped.

Kristy snapped into a salute. "What shall I do?"

"Get over here and start snapping beans with me," I suggested before Mary Anne could give her a smart response. Kristy quickly took her place beside me.

"I've never heard of a snowstorm this late in the year," she whispered to me, as though talking were taboo. Stacey cleared her throat.

"We'd always have some kind of bizarre March storm every year," she told us. "But, it was always a good thing, well, after the blizzard or ice storm or whatever. It always meant that it was the last of the snow and that it was going to be the _end_ of the snow."

"Let's pray that it is," said Mary Anne, who was, understandably, not having the best winter of her life. "I am so _sick_ of winter. I wish it would just _end_ already, you know?"

We all muttered and mumbled our agreements. Mary Anne turned red and looked away from us, her eyes focused deep in the mixing bowl. Everything had become awkward since her rape. Nothing anyone said was safe anymore and everyone, especially my poor Mary Anne, knew it. I stared at her, feeling my eyes growing soft and starting to sting with pre-tears. At least, that how I referred to them. I cleared my throat and turned my back on the other girls to restart snapping the green beans Stacey wanted boiled and buttered for dinner. Kristy's hand dropped onto mine and I looked in her eyes. I imagined we were mirrors for one another at the moment.

"I'm so sorry," she mouthed to me silently, taking a bean and snapping it fiercely. I could imagine whose neck Kristy would be pretending to snap with every single bean.

"You know," Stacey said cheerfully, determinedly cheerfully and both Kristy and I turned a cautious towards her. Mary Anne set down the Romaine lettuce she had been shredding and took what looked like a grateful seat. "It's surprising how many fancy foods are green."

"Not this again, Stace," I moaned playfully and she smiled. I noticed her hands were shaking. She either needed something to satisfying her diabetes or her nerves. "We've only heard it about a million times."

"Well, Kristy hasn't heard it," Stacey said defensively and Mary Anne shook her head at me. It was best to just let Stacey have her way on this and the two of us knew it. We were beginning to know very well what to give to Stacey and what to take away from her. In a way, she was slowly changing from simply my lover in my eyes to becoming a nervous little girl that Mary Anne and I were desperately striving to keep happy, calm, and sedate.

I bowed. "As you wish."

She giggled and I could see her fond smile as I rose again. Kristy smiled back at Stacey, obvious temporarily enchanted by her as Mary Anne and I found ourselves every so often. "This had better be good after that build-up."

"I'm not so sure that it is," Stacey laughingly apologized. "But, I should say _something_ otherwise I'll look like a loser for begging to say anything, huh?"

"You said it, not me," Kristy said. Luckily, Kristy's brusque manner agreed with Stacey's mood this evening. Stacey giggled again, and I couldn't help but smile. Her laughter was unstrained and happy for once instead of sounding tense and sad, as it usually did nowadays.

"Well," Stacey started, "I originally wanted to have roast beef because it's not too wildly expensive, even for as many guests as we're having. But, then, I was really thinking about it and I decided that it would much more in keeping with the holiday if we had stuffed shells and I dyed the cheeses green."

Kristy eyed the oven. "Green cheese, Stacey?"

"Oh, and I managed to dye the sauce, too, so it won't look too Christmas-y." Kristy looked like she had something on the tip of her tongue, so I rested my toe and some weight on her foot. She bit down on her lip and nodded thoughtfully, shooting a murderous look in my direction when Stacey glanced to Mary Anne. "Anyways, I decided that with stuffed shells, we could give the kids the same dish and they'll love the green food."

"Or they'll pretend to die of it," Kristy said bluntly.

"Kristy!" I snapped.

She glared at me. "What? Doesn't anyone remember what I was like as a kid?"

"Vividly," Mary Anne moaned.

"Well, my kids are my carbon copy," she warned us. "Just to warn you, Stace, honey."

"I can handle child critiques. Especially ones that come from your offspring, Kristy."

"I'm relieved."

"I just hope everyone likes it and appreciated how much time and energy I've put into this," she said, threatening to look sad for a moment. I glanced at Mary Anne quickly and she shook her head. I could tell she was getting sick of waiting on a drooping, wilting Stacey, but what else did we all have left but to care for one another? I put the fistful of beans in my hands down on the table and walked over to Stacey. I took her hand and Mary Anne's were suddenly filled with sadness as well.

"Come on, Stace," I said quietly, pretending desperately not to see Mary Anne's pain. Stacey followed me complacently out of the room and I had to practically whisk her upstairs to make sure nobody saw us. She followed, her bosom heaving in anticipation the moment we reached her door.

"This is stupid," she whispered.

"I don't want you to mope during your own party," I whispered and grabbed on tightly to the strong flesh of her back upper legs, clad in a slippery green skirt, and lifted her off her feet. Immediately, she slipped her tongue into my mouth while she wrapped those beautiful legs around my waist. My brain was firing off too many pleasurable sensations to even consider stopping now. We each pulled away from one another's mouths, breathless, and Stacey smiled.

"That's an honorable mission," she conceded and fell relatively silent as I trailed my mouth slowly down her neck.

**TEN**

When we were finished, Stacey headed up into the attic to bring down a couple boxes of old pillows and blankets that Mary Anne had requested and that she had forgotten while I hurried down the back staircase to make a show of bringing in more firewood. When I entered the living room, the largest room in our house, I was surprised to see that just about everyone had arrived and, using the kitchen and the small library kiddy-corner to the living room for overspill, everyone fit. All of Stacey's guests had fit into such a small area. Well, it was beginning to look small with so many bodies in it. Instantly, Mr. Spier clapped my hand in his and was shaking it swiftly.

"Here's Logan," he called out and most everyone cheered. "Now all we have to do is wait for the maid of honor before we can get to eating."

"Well, and we have to wait for Charlotte, Becca, and Byron," Mary Anne reminded her father. Since nobody was looking at her, she shot me a filthy look. "I sure hope they don't get caught in the storm or something."

"Oh, honey, you worry too much," Mary Anne's stepmother, Sharon, said gently. "Everything is going to be just fine."

Almost immediately, Mary Anne's cheeks flushed with color. I cleared my throat.

"How about we get that fireplace roaring?" I suggested and, once again, most everyone clapped or cheered in excitement. I hauled the dry firewood (we kept a store of dry wood in a shed next to the house) across the living room, people parting in way for me, and began tossing the wood in, piece by piece. Little Grace Brewer-Thomas squatted down beside me and began to help toss in pieces of wood. Although I could not see her, I could picture Mary Anne crossing her arms and sighing in defeat; once more, I felt like puddle of slime.

"What's a fireplace without the trimmings?" Stacey's voice called out. Both Grace and I turned our heads to see Stacey hauling several huge boxes undoubtedly filled with Mary Anne's "designer" pillows and her afghan and quilts. Claudia immediately leapt forward and snatched a box out of her arms and Stacey stopped teetering so much. Almost immediately after Claudia took a box, Stacey's mother followed her lead. Now Stacey only had a large box at her feet and one in her arms. Jack and Kaylee, knowing where everything went in the house by now, quickly grabbed away the boxes in the blondes' arms. Stacey wrapped her arms around her mother and closed her eyes gratefully.

Kaylee was quickly joined by Emily Michelle Brewer-Thomas, both girls intensely interested in the contents of the box. I caught Mary Anne's eye and smiled a knowing smile in her direction. She blushed and nodded in agreement. She was obviously pleased that the girls were taking so great an interest in something she had spent such a long time in working on. I felt some of her pride flow into my own veins.

"Are we all cuddling up in the blankets and pillows?" Abby Stevenson asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"So we can watch the fireplace," her twin, Anna, immediately replied.

"Well, so long as they don't plan on having a massive sleepover," Abby said with a laugh. Kristy's children, the youngest children in the house, laughed at the idea of having a big sleepover with their parents. I shrugged.

"If it doesn't let up, I don't know that anyone will be able to leave tonight."

"Let's talk about something else," Mary Anne suggested as Stacey began to look crushed by the conversation. "Say, for instance, the fact that dinner is ready."

"Thank God," Kristy said. "I am starving."

There was a knock on the door.

"Becca!" Kristy cried. After Becca's parents died in a horrible car accident, Kristy's parents took her and her older sister Jessi in. The two girls were now just another part of Kristy's massive family.

Kristy raced to the door and let in her "sister" along with Charlotte Johansson and Byron Pike. "Perfect timing! We're just about to have dinner, kids."

"Don't know how many times we have to ask you not to call us 'kids,'" Byron said levelly, "but we are definitely hungry. Char was threatening to eat her own coat on the ride over."

Charlotte blushed. "I was a little hungry."

I laughed and so did a handful of our other guests. "Come on, Charlotte. I won't keep you any longer."

"See now, _he's_ a gentleman," Becca laughed and handed her coat to Kristy before taking both Byron's and Charlotte's coats and heading to the first floor guest bedroom to toss the coats on the bed.

Charlotte and Byron followed after me, as did the rest of our guests, to the buffet the girls had decided on in advance. There was a storm of appreciative murmuring and I knew it was making both of my girls happy to hear such praise of their meal.

**

* * *

_Stacey_**

I smiled as I watched the guests finally settling down into overstuffed armchairs and beaten-up couches, their knees supporting plates piled high with St. Patrick's Day themed food. I personally had a couple stuffed shells, a small pile of green mashed potatoes, cooked carrots, asparagus, and one of the special sugar-free rolls we'd baked the day before. To wash it down I had a boring old glass of icy cold water.

Margo Pike was seated beside me and busy digging deep into her own food. I was amused to see that she had gone all out for the green food. Stuffed shells, mashed potatoes, green veggies, green rolls, and a slice of green cake. Oh, and she had a huge cup of the green fruit punch that we had served in a silver serving bowl with green sherbet and 7-Up. She was getting her Irish on.

That's when the lights flickered once, twice then went out for good.

A few people screamed in surprise, maybe even in fright before a burst of moans then laughter broke out.

"_Crap_," Kaylee moaned. "Claudia, I left my computer on and it's probably going to be all jumbled when the power comes back on."

"Don't say bad words in front of the kids," Claud's voice said absently. "Besides, it's not an emergency."

"I also forgot to save my essay for American History," Kaylee went on. "_And_, I was half-way through it."

Most of the adults in the room sighed and I could practically feel Kaylee bristling in defense.

"Jack will help you rewrite when the power comes back on, honey."

"How _much_ help, Claudia, darling?" Jack asked too sweetly.

"As much as Kaylee needs, _lovebug_," Claudia answered cutely. By the sound of it, Kristy snorted something out of her nose with laughter. Sharon began to laugh.

Meanwhile, I sat, paralyzed in fear, clutching the sides of my plate so hard if I had been able to think about it at the time, I would've worried that I might've snapped it in two. Time seemed to slow down and was ghastly still. People's voices dropped into a lower, more terrifying register and I felt my heart flutter up into my throat. I could hear my breathing growing more and more ragged but didn't know or care how to stop it.

Rational or irrational, I just _knew_ that Teddy Thomas was behind this. I also knew that Mary Anne knew it, too. Maybe things were taut between us, but we both had this sad thing in common. In the first flickers of firelight, I turned to glance at her and our eyes met. I didn't need full light to know that her face was white and she probably didn't it either to notice that my body was starting to shake uncontrollably. I watched Logan rush to Mary Anne's side, enfolding her with his strong arms. I didn't feel jealous, only deeply lonely for their comfort.

Margo's fingers broke my grip on my plate, which went tumbling to the floor, and laced with my fingers. I adjusted my gaze to look into her eyes and saw the same fright that I had just seen in Mary Anne's and remembered. Margo was one of us, too, now. I squeezed her hand, forgetting everything about myself except the feeling of my hand pressed against hers. Suddenly, there were hands on my shoulders and I screamed in horror. Margo shook her head violently, unable to speak.

"Stacey!" I heard through the filter on voices in my brain. I turned to see my mother standing behind. "Oh, God, honey! It's me, baby! It's Mommy!"

Had I been less terrified, I would've been embarrassed. But instead, I flung my arms around her and held on for dear life. After a minute or so, I reached out an arm and dragged Margo into our desperate hug. She was crying hard and I knew that she needed her own mother just as badly as I did. Thank God my mother had lived behind the Pikes for so many years and had baby-sat for so many of them once Mallory and I stopped baby-sitting.

Slowly, one by one, candles were being lit and scattered across the living room and kitchen. I suppose it was lucky for everyone that Mary Anne and I have a love for candles and use them heavily in our decorating as well as keeping two kitchen drawers stocked full of candles for such an emergency.

In the growing light, I pulled away from my mother's embrace, leaving her holding a trembling Margo Pike. The girl looked at me with watery dark green eyes and I sighed. It was if she were asking me to explain why this- why everything- was happening. I couldn't.

I strode over to the large, plate glass window and stared out into the darkness. The moon's light reflected on the snow, so there was some light outside, but not much. I felt a shiver run up my spine. I knew I wasn't gong to be able to move from this spot for a very long time.

**

* * *

**

_Kristy_

I watched as Logan took painstaking care to strap on his official police issue firearm. When he was done, he glanced up, found me staring, and sighed. He strode over to where I was standing, slightly away from everyone else.

"Kristy, _don't_ look so worried," he murmured. "You're going to start scaring people."

"I _am_ worried, _especially_ when you feel the need to put on your gun," I hissed back. For some reason this conversation had already been sorted into the 'keep it between us' category. My voice, I suspected, wouldn't go above a hiss or a whisper. "What's going on?"  
"Stace is worried about Teddy," Logan confessed in one of his softest voices yet. I shrugged.

"Of course she is. She _always_ is. Why are you?"

"I just don't want to take _any_ chances," he replied. "Could you get Pete? I want to have a meeting with the men."

"How _chivalrous_."

I turned to retrieve my husband anyways.

I sat with my stepson, Robbie, in my lap while the men discussed the best ways to safeguard the house. Robbie, thank God, wasn't paying much attention (except to the drawstrings on my sweatshirt), but I was. The rest of the men were going to take breaks and sleep in shifts, except for Logan. It seemed he'd be guarding the front door and most of the people spending the night here with his gun. The only comfort I got from that was that at least Logan was a cop and would know how to use the gun if it came to that.

I jumped up as soon as their group started to break apart.

"I want to help," I immediately and most of the men rolled their eyes. Tiny, tomboy Kristy Thomas stirring up trouble again. "Please, Logan, let me help."

"Honey, _no_." Pete said firmly and I blinked. He shook his head to reemphasize his point once I was looking at him. "Kristy, I want you watching our kids. I mean it."

I don't know if Pete had _ever_ given me an "I mean it" kind of reprimand. I felt a little stunned that Pete would say that to me. I mean, we were always such a team on everything, including childrearing. It wasn't like either of us to demand the other to take care of the children like that. I began to chew on my thumbnail. He must be _really_ worried to order me to a safer place and order me to protect those most precious to us, our children. I picked Robbie up and hugged him close to me.

I wasn't surprised to find that there was no line for the phone. Everyone probably thought that the phone went out with the power. I prayed that this wouldn't be true and wordlessly picked up a receiver. I closed my eyes in relief at the dial tone. Several other people perked up when they saw me dialing.

I waited while it rang, running my fingers through Robbie's dark locks of hair.

"Hello?"

"Amy? Finally! Where have you been?"

There was a pause as our regular baby-sitter tried to orient herself. "Mrs. Black, hi. I was just playing with the kids. The power went out and we're trying to stay happy over here."

"Us, too, "I confessed. I cleared my throat. "Listen, Amy, there is something I want you to do for me."

"Anything," she said.

"I want you to get the kids over to my parents' home and stay there. They will have power because of the massive generators underground, so the kids will be warm there." I paused. "And, Amy, I want for you to spend the night with my parents as well. I can pay you overnight pay and everything, but I don't want to worry about where you are."

"Don't worry about the pay," Amy said seriously. "But, how should I get over there? Drive?"

"If you can," I told her. "If not, it's only a mile between our home and theirs. I've clocked it. And, yes, you can make it with the kids, just don't stop. And use as many layers as possible. Use blankets over their coats, too."

I heard Amy's voice start to cry. "I'm scared," she confessed.

I laughed light-heartedly. "Honey, don't be. Think of it as an adventure. I'll have Mom and Watson waiting for you and maybe one of the kids can meet you halfway."

"All right," Amy replied, sounding a little better. "All right."

"OK, honey, I have to make some more calls. So, bundle up and call me when you get to the mansion."

"Bye."

When I hung up and picked the phone up again, Abby Stevenson groaned. :"Kristy, come _on_. I need to check on my mom."

"I'm calling my parents," I told her. "I'll have them check on her while we're on the phone. I've got to get my kids squared away, Abby."

She nodded and took a step back.

The phone rang twice before Watson picked up.

"Hello?" he asked and I could've sighed in relief at his familiar, warm voice.

"Watson, it's Kristy," I answered. I almost see him smile.

"Kristy, honey, how are you? How's the party going?"

I shook my head. "Not too great. The power went out." I turned my body to hopefully block the homeowners from hearing "Stacey and Mary Anne aren't doing very well and it's taking Logan a lot of effort just to keep them together, you know?"

"How are the kids?" he asked immediately, referring to his step-grandchildren. I glanced over at my girls and found them happily playing Pick Up Sticks with Kaylee and Becca.

"The girls are great," I told him. I looked down at Robbie and ruffled his hair. "Robbie's a shaken, but otherwise we're fine. Have you heard from Amy yet? She's bringing the rest of our kids over to your house for the night. I didn't want her home alone with that lunatic running around town."

"Of course. And, yes, we got her phone call. I hung up with her and the phone rang with you. She must've dialed our house the second she hung up with you." _Good girl_, I thought gratefully. "David Michael is going to meet her, wherever she is, on that snow… thing. You know."

I laughed. "Thank God. Did you tell him to go slow because of the baby?"

"Yes, but this is David Michael." Watson paused. "Though, I'm sure everything will be fine, honey."

Abby cleared her throat. I cleared mine.

"Um, Watson, Abby and Anna are here at the party with me and they want to know if their mother is all right? Do you think someone could go and check on her?"

"No need," Watson replied. "She came over before the snow started getting really bad. The Kilbournes, too. We're all having tea and cocoa and coffee and watching the fire in the fireplace. It's really very nice. I mean, they all have power at their homes, but they thought it would be nice to spend a winter-y night with their neighbors instead of by themselves. Isn't that nice? Now, why don't you put the girls on and I'll get Mrs. Stevenson."

"Thanks, Watson. I love you. Oh. Tell Mom I love her, too?"

"Anything, sweetheart," he said warmly.

I handed the phone to Abby. "Your mom is over at my parents' house."

Abby sighed with relief and took the phone from me.

I backed away and scooped Robbie up into my arms. "Come on, cowboy. Do you want anything to eat or drink before bed? Tonight's special." He shook his head then rested it on my shoulder. "All right. Then let's get you to bed, sweetheart."

**

* * *

**

_Logan_

"Mary Anne, darling, you can't _do_ that," I said as calmly as I could. It's hard to remain calm when you've said the same thing twenty times to no effect. I think Einstein or someone had a saying about that, but I just can't remember it at the moment.

Mary Anne looked up at me with wide, hurt brown eyes. "But, I _can't_ stay here, Logan. He's going to come back, I just know he is. _Please_, Logan, we'll go back to my parents' house and I'll be safe there."

Richard and Sharon were past trying to convince Mary Anne that they had no intention of leaving our house tonight. The blizzard outside was simply too much for anyone to think about driving in it. Helpfully, Sharon was playing with Mary Anne's limp curls (she had curled it special for the party) and Richard was stroking her back. Richard and I exchanged a glance. He shrugged miserably and looked away. I sighed.

"Honey, you _are_ safe here. _I'm_ here. Nobody is going to _touch_ you while _I'm_ here."

She took my hand and dragged me close. "_I need to hide_," she whispered desperately. "_He's going to find us_."

"Mary Anne, _no!_" I whispered loudly back. She winced. "No, he will _not_ find us. He will _not_ come, especially not in this weather. I told you. He's _not_ going to get to either you _or_ Stacey so long as _I'm_ here."

Mary Anne burst into tired, desperate tears. I had seen those tears before and I gathered her into my arms. Her entire body was shaking with whatever was fueling this obsession with the idea that Teddy Thomas was going to come back tonight, in the middle of a terrible blizzard. I rubbed her back soothingly and whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

After a few moments, Sharon wrapped her arms around Mary Anne as well and started to sway peacefully. She was humming a faint little tune and Mary Anne's sobs lessened as she began to listen to her stepmother. I stopped whispering and let the faint music take us both over. When Sharon finally did stop, I felt almost limp with calm. I had to practically shake myself to pull back from Mary Anne and see if she was all right. Her brown eyes looked peacefully back up at me.

"Stay with me?" I asked her softly. I traced my fingers down her smooth cheek. Her eyes shut as she took the sensation in.

"Yes, Logan," she replied. "I'll stay with you."

No sooner had I said "I love you" to my beloved Mary Anne than I heard frantic, terrified screams coming from behind me. I let go of Mary Anne and nearly pushed her back with her father and stepmother, who both clung tightly to her. As I turned, I saw it was Stacey who was screaming and pointing to the window with one outstretched arm.

I didn't think. I just took several strides forward as I unclipped my gun from my belt and aimed straight at the window. I don't know if I even warned people to get down before I fired five rounds straight into the plate glass.

Stacey was so close to the window that the glass which blew inward struck her and she almost immediately collapsed to the ground.

I ran to her, hitting the floor with my knees when I reached her. I could feel the pain of glass cutting into me as I did, but I didn't care.

"Stacey! My God! _Stacey, wake up!_"

Mrs. McGill was screaming in the background and so was Mary Anne. I didn't care. I had to take care of my Stacey.

Her eyes fluttered open. "Logan?"

"Where are you hurt?" I asked her. "_Where?_"

"I… I don't know…"

I scooped my arms underneath her body, unaware of the glass scraping my skin, and lifted her up as I climbed to my feet. "I'm taking you upstairs."

"I thought I saw him," she said in a tiny, little girl voice. I nodded.

"I know."


	11. To The Naked Eye

**Chapter Eleven: To the Naked Eye**

_Teddy_

_March 20_

I pulled the wreck of a car that I was driving nowadays, instead of my beloved BMW, into the hotel parking lot with the cracked and weathered asphalt. When I put the car in park, I sat perfectly still, the motor still running. My brain was still reeling from having almost been spotted by Stacey's great protector, Logan Bruno. I knew that when it came down to blows for Stacey (and it certainly would), he would be the one I would have to go up against.

My hands were trembling, but I couldn't tear them from the wheel. Bruno was much bigger than I was and I wasn't that small, either. He was tall and strong and one of those guys who everyone calls All-American and who makes the bad guys nervous because he's so powerfully built. However, I wasn't the bad guy. I was just an ordinary guy who wanted to be with the love of my life; here he stands in the middle, practically in a red cape of justice to "rescue" Stacey from me.

It was no wonder that Stacey was in love with him.

I couldn't stand it that she had fallen in love, with Bruno of all people. She wasn't _supposed_ to do that; it wasn't a part of the plan. She was supposed to stay pure from any other man's love and I knew that she wasn't. What we had was special and now she had thrown a monkey wrench into everything by bringing another man into the picture. It was as though she was cheating on me. At least, that's what it felt like.

However, instead of being angry, I was just sad. Sad to know that my beautiful girl wasn't completely mine anymore. That she was always going to have his taint on her, no matter what I did to try and remove the evidence of their love from her body and mind. Not that I would know the first place to begin.

Finally, I was able to let go of the wheel and turn the key in the ignition so that the car rattled into silence. Still, though, I couldn't make myself get out of the car. What if Bruno had followed me here? What if he _had_ seen me and was waiting for me to leave my car in order to pummel the shit out of me?

I climbed out of my car and shut and locked the door behind me. It was a show. I didn't care if someone stole that piece of junk, but the man who everyone saw driving it certainly did. I could just purchase another car, but he could not. It was a strange thing, trying to lead a double life. Mostly, though, I found that I allowed the other man out and about more often than I let myself use this body. It was simpler.

Once I was safely locked in my hotel room, I sat down on the plushy armchair near the window. I had to think; I had to clear my head a little. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to clear it out fully and ease my conscience, but a little relief would be nice at a rough time like this.

I pulled a green barrette from my pocket and fingered it absent-mindedly. It had belonged to one of the girls that I had hurt. Correction: one of the girls that I had allowed the Beast part of me violently and brutally rape. I swallowed. I was steadily loosing more and more control to that darker side of me just as I was allowing myself to be swallowed up by the persona of a man who didn't exist.

To say I felt no remorse would be wrong. I certainly felt remorse and guilt for what I had done, especially to Stacey's friend, who had only been trying to protect her. I had a brief flashback to what that rape was like, the touch of her skin, the look of fear in her eyes, the scent of her. Each girl I remembered vividly and each girl I offered an apology up to God, if He was even listening to me anymore. After all the things that I had done, it wouldn't surprise me if God had written me off, just like everybody else.

Four rapes, though. I frowned and closed my eyes. Four rapes made me a serial rapist, didn't it? It made me into a monster to be steered clear of. I was a monster; everyone was right.

But, God, _how_ did I become this? All I ever wanted was to be with Stacey and to make her my wife. When did pursuing a young lady turning into jail time and four different counts of rape? How did I become this great monster? Was there something inside of me that flipped on like a switch to make me give in to that darkness? Or, was it simply that I was born wicked and evil?

I opened my eyes and stood up. I had to get out of the room for a few minutes. The walls were closing in and I felt like the darkness was bubbling up again. Maybe a quick trip and a few minutes stay at the vending machine would help to put the darkness to rest again. I didn't think I could bear to hurt yet another girl and have to move to yet another hotel. I liked this place.

I left the room resolute not to think about anything unpleasant as I walked down to the vending machine.

**

* * *

**

_I'm fifteen and this is my first time ever with a girl. I had originally thought that I would have a bigger say in the who I first slept with, who I would always sleep with, but this first time wasn't really mine to begin with. It was my grandfather's. This was his way of making me a man._

_He took me to a very well-reputed whorehouse._

_The girl that I was to have sex with (he kept referring to it as fucking, but I didn't like the notion of emotionlessly fucking a girl) was named Samantha. No last names were required; in fact, they were frowned upon in a place like this. Samantha's long hair was golden blonde and fell to the middle of her back in a mixture of waves, spirals, and curls. Her bright brown eyes were soft and reassuring when she first saw me. She smiled knowingly when it was explained to her that I was to be made into a man now and led me into a room full of red and purple silk, crushed velvet, suede, and cashmere._

**11**

**"Mama, Mama!" I called out to the woman sunbathing on our wrap around porch. We were in the backyard. She was near the pool and would dive in every so often to cool off before turning over and sunning her other side. I ran over to her, holding the massively long worm that I had just dug up.**

**"What is it, Theodore?" she asked as I came running up to her. I dropped the worm onto her stomach and it was a scream that I had never heard before in my whole four years of life on this Earth. **

**My mother jumped to her feet and flung the worm away from her. Then, without warning, she slapped me as hard as she could across the face. My face snapped to the right and I staggered a couple of steps before falling and beginning to wail. My mother only looked down coldly at me.**

**"When are you going to **_**grow up?**_**" she demanded and returned to her sunbathing.**

**

* * *

**

It was actually a rather nicer motel than the past two I had stayed in. The two twin beds (it was either this or a king sized bed and I just didn't want a huge bed for some reason) were neatly made up and with clean looking blue and green patterned comforters on top. There was a small refrigerator in the corner and a plump armchair near the window, which overlooked thick woods and a tiny pond. I smiled. I could definitely be happy in this place.

I walked back out into the hallway and collected my things (which had been whittled down to a suitcase and a packed up messenger bag). I set them down in the room and set to unpacking. I moved fast enough that even if I had to get away fast, I could still scoop out everything that I had unpacked back into the suitcase and bag.

Halfway through unpacking, I found that I was exhausted. I shut my eyes, completely meaning to rest for about two minutes before I finished and really got ready for bed. Of course, that's definitely not what happened.

**11**

_It was the morning after I had been raped by the man I was to share my prison cell with. I straightened myself and my bunk up like I had been told to do and filed down to the mess hall like a good little boy. I held my head high, though I was secretly beyond humiliation. How many inmates had heard what had happened last night?_

_As I walked into the mess hall, I noticed that the noise dipped down a little. Eyes were turning towards me and about half of the owners of those eyes had knowing smirks on their faces. I swallowed roughly and waited in line with everyone else for my breakfast. I wanted to disappear into the floor, I wanted it to swallow me up, but I was permanently on display. _

_Finally, I sat down with my tray of oatmeal, fruit, and two miniature containers of cranberry juice. The man across the table from me smiled and I looked down at my food._

_"So, I hear that you're already someone's bitch," he said with a leer. I looked up in horror._

_"No," I protested weakly. "I'm __**not**__."_

_"Come on, princess," the man said. "When Devon Sands picks a bitch, that person stays his bitch until Sands breaks him in too hard so that he's no fun to play with anymore."_

_I could only stare. Last night must've been Sands breaking me in gently, but… __**Oh, God…**_

_"I'm telling one of the guards," I murmured._

_"That won't help. Next cellmate you get is going to pound that pretty little ass of yours until you can't walk straight."_

_The rest of the day was a blur. I had trouble focusing on anything, but I must've done everything right because I didn't get yelled at once. It was when I was locked back in my cell with Sands that I finally was able to see everything clearly. And, the first thing I saw was Sands standing in front of me, blocking the way to my bunk._

_"Can I go lie down?" I asked democratically. Sands laughed._

_"You'll have to get past me first."_

_I didn't think. I just swung my fist and connected squarely with Sands' jaw. He stumbled back before gaining his bearings and charging at me. I could barely let out a yelp when he slammed my body back against the bars of our cell. He pressed hard against me, making sure that I was quite breathless before moving away and letting me slump forward, clutching a bar to keep me upright._

_Sands grabbed onto my throat then and dragged me over to his floor bunk and slammed me, facedown, onto it._

_"You are causing me a lot of trouble, you little bastard," he murmured into my ear. I shivered. "It's about time I put you in your place."_

_Suddenly, there was some quiet, disturbing laughter from the cells on either side of us. God, they were going to hear everything he was going to do to me, weren't they?_

_I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself for humiliation and pain beyond anything I'd experienced before._

**11**

I jerked awake with a small cry. My forehead was wet with sweat and I could feel the rest of my body damp as well. Panting, I rested my hand over my heart, struggling to shove the memory of that particular rape from my mind. It had been the worst one; I had been sent to surgery to have internal injuries repaired and when I was returned to my cell, Sands had raped me again, only he had been as gentle as a lover with a virgin. It had been another humiliation that I needed to rid my mind of.

I sat up on the bed, my things sprawled out around me. I snatched the one thing that I refused to leave behind, no matter what, and retreated to the corner of the room. I slid down the wall, clutching the picture frame, and tried hard not to remember how painful it was to sit after Sands would rape me.

Stacey's beautiful face smiled at me from within the picture frame. I pressed a kiss to her frozen lips and felt the adrenaline in my system make my body start to shiver and shake. I pressed the picture to my chest and closed my eyes.

"_Stacey_," I murmured desperately. "_Please_, honey. You don't know how badly I need you, baby. Please come home to me. _Please_."


	12. Close Encounters

**Chapter Twelve: Close Encounters**

_Stacey_

_March 26_

One month.

That's how long Logan and I had been sleeping together. Such a short span of time, not nearly enough time to form a real relationship. Yet, my wild desire for protection and a place to escape to have quickly turned into what I think might be love. Not just the friendship kind either. All-out, heart pounding, nail biting, nervous love.

People who say that love is puppies and rainbows obviously have never been in love before. They have never experienced the raw emotions that rip up from inside of you and turn you into a blathering idiot. Love makes you sweat in places that are amazingly uncomfortable and it leaves you short of breath when skin grazes against creamy bare skin.

That's the kind of love that I was in. I was lucky to have found my lover in this world where so many people end up with the wrong person. Of course, there was a catch. A huge, disastrous catch.

I was in love with my best friend's boyfriend.

Ever since Mary Anne's rape, Logan had been craving attention for his own hurt and suffering over what Teddy Thomas had done to Mary Anne (which Logan still blames himself over for not protecting her well enough). So, he turned to me. I'm not going to say what we've done was right, but it was getting us through these hard times. I didn't have to feel so isolated and frightened and he doesn't have to feel frustrated and angry.

I've stopped seeing Logan for strictly comfort and safety. He's become the man that I am in love with.

**

* * *

**  
I was pressed against a wall, with no place to go. He'd cornered me and was looking down at me with a satisfied smirk. God, he really had no idea how good looking he really was. Still, I shrunk away from his lips and they grazed my cheek instead of settling on lips like I'm sure he intended.

"Stacey, come on," he whispered, brushing my hair away from my ear and blowing a small burst of cool air into it. I shivered with arousal, but still managed to shake my head.

"I don't know when Mary Anne is coming home from her therapist's office, Logan."

Logan gently curled one of my long, golden locks around his fingers. "We'll make it a quickie," he murmured. He began to kiss softly at the sensitive skin on my neck. God, he was making me go all gooey when I was trying to stand up to him. Lousy man who knows just how to make me forget why we _shouldn't_ be fooling around.

"Please, Stacey. You look so beautiful; it's been a struggle to keep my hands off of you."

I smiled. "Yeah, right, Logan. Your hands are all over me. I'm surprised that they aren't-"

Logan instantly caught my mouth and my words tumbling into his mouth instead of into his ears. I had to give Logan credit; he certainly did know how to kiss. I parted my lips coyly after managing to seal them shut. Logan's tongue was in my mouth, exploring and sending warm, beautiful sensations down my spine. I raised my hands from being pressed against the wall to clutching the fabric just below his collar, and pulled him closer to my body. I thought I felt a tiny laugh in my mouth that didn't belong to me.

"Anyway, honey," Logan said, trailing deliberate kisses with a gentle sucking pressure down the side of my neck. He knew better than to leave a hickey, so his pressure was miraculously always spot on. "She never comes up to the attic anymore. She hates the way it smells."

I looked around the best I could. We were in one of the bedrooms that had been created out of the far ends of the attic. There was a small twin sized bed from when I was a kid inside this room (the other held a rolled up air mattress along with a bumpy old mattress Logan and Mary Anne had found at a garage sale last fall), but it worked for sneaking around like we were.

"I kinda like it," I replied and Logan laughed.

"How did I know you were going to say that?"

"Intuition," I replied. "Now, shut up and starting kissing me again."

"Want to know who's the boss, huh?"

Logan grabbed each of my wrists and forced them over my head. Then, he kicked apart my ankles. There was something that even his boyish grin wasn't soothing. I kissed him back willingly until he released one of my hands (gripping my two hands with his remaining one) and slung my thigh over his hip.

"Logan, stop," I whispered.

His kisses became more demanding, more bruising.

I screamed and he immediately stopped and stepped away from me.

"Stacey, honey, what's wrong?"

"_This!_" I replied through my tears. "I can't do this."

"Be with me?" Logan asked, looking heartbroken. I shook my head.

"_No_. It's too violent." I closed my eyes. It wasn't really violent at all. It was just… I couldn't make love to the man I loved when I could see that naughty flicker in his eyes that was always in Teddy's eyes. "I _can't_."

With lips feather soft and hands just as gentle, Logan pulled me back in. "We don't have to play any games," he promised.

"Not today," I agreed before kissing him back.

His hands loosened his belt and Logan kicked off his jeans quickly. I followed his lead and let him lay me down gently onto the top of the bed. Logan continued to kiss me, light, butterfly kisses across my face, down my neck, trailing down further as he quickly but neatly undid the buttons on my shirt before slipping it off my body. My heart was starting to pound, but definitely in a good way.

Cupping his hands around my breasts, Logan moved even further south and I let out a squeak of shock. Then, a warm, liquid feeling flooded my entire being. I felt as fluid as the air and as though I could more right along with it. Still, I was earthbound. I clutched at the blankets near my hands and tried to keep from moaning out loud.

After our lovemaking was complete and we were lying in one another's sweaty arms, Logan dropped a kiss to the top of my head. I snuggled against him and sighed happily.

"Logan, this is _wrong_," I told him, like I did after every other time we made love. He nodded and, upon looking up at him face, looked miserable. My happiness evaporated. "I'm so sorry, Logan. I am really sorry about what I've done between you and Mary Anne. There's no excuse for what I did."

"Well, it's not like I've been refusing you, Stace. I'm just as much to blame, maybe even more so, than you are." He stroked my hair for a moment, considering what to say next. "I don't know how to stop this."

"I love you," I blurted out suddenly and felt my cheeks heat up. I swallowed and nodded. "Well, I do, Logan. I really do love you. I want to be with you forever."

He kissed me hard and seriously. I had never been kissed this way in my entire life. I closed my eyes and let him wash over me.

"I love you, too," he whispered when we broke our kiss. "It's so damn horrible that I am, but I am in love with you, too." He continued to play with my hair. "But, I still love Mary Anne just as much as I love you. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

I shook my head. "I wish there was some way that you could love both of us without either of us being jealous, but I don't know if that's possible."

"Probably not," Logan agreed. He kissed me then. "I think we have time for another go before Mary Anne comes home." He glanced at his watch and nodded. "Do you want to?"

I smiled. "You are such a horny teenager."

"Only for my girls," he said.

Was it strange that I wasn't bothered when he said that?

**

* * *

**

Logan made a big show of greeting Mary Anne when she came home from the therapist. She looked him over like he was crazy, but allowed him to hold her for a moment or so before pushing her way away from him and out of the room. Logan visibly deflated. I rushed over and kissed him firmly.

"This is going to get better," I promised him. He shrugged.

"Probably not," was his response before he followed Mary Anne upstairs. I stayed downstairs, sinking down onto the new couch.

Mary Anne hadn't been talking much to either of us. I supposed that she had finally decided to stop ignoring our affair and was punishing us by way of not talking to us. I had to admit that it hurt. After all, she was my best friend. I had taken to spending more time with Claudia and Kaylee, which was rewarding, but I still missed and felt guilty about Mary Anne. I knew that I should feel guilty- I was sleeping with her boyfriend! Nevertheless, I still loved her and cared about her deeply and I wish there was some way to make her understand that I wasn't trying to hurt her. I hadn't started sleeping with Logan to hurt her, but now I couldn't stop because I had fallen in love with him.

God, everything was such a mess.

I rose from the couch and walked quickly to the front door. Our coats were hanging up on hooks in the little hallway beside the door. I picked up my blue Burberry pea coat and slid it onto my body. The little gauge outside said that the temperature was only in the thirties still, so I buttoned up before I went out.

Sliding my gloves on as I walked to the car, I hoisted my purse straps onto my shoulder. That, too, had been sitting by the door, where I had dropped it in exhaustion yesterday after visiting with my mother. I straightened up. Today I was going to do something just for me.

Shopping.

I needed some new clothes anyways. I had dropped some weight and some of my clothes weren't hanging right on my body anymore. I needed to fatten up my wardrobe for spring so that I wouldn't feel so strange wearing too-big clothes that were last season's as well. Anyways, I needed to get away from Logan and Mary Anne because I could sense one of their big fights brewing while I was sitting on the couch.

Besides helping out with the taxes on the home and my own room and board, what else did I have to spend my social security money on?

I backed Logan's truck down the driveway. I hadn't been driving my own little green Chevy for a while now. I was sort of worried that Teddy would be able to recognize it. The last thing I wanted was for him to be able to follow me around because of my stupid car. Besides, Logan's truck was just so much more powerful. I felt safer in the truck anyways.

I ended up parking my car off on one of the side streets and walked onto the Stoneybrook downtown area; which basically consisted of a few clothing shops, a couple of restaurants, and some other stores like the craft shop and the bakery. It was small and cute and just the thing I needed right now. I decided to duck into the boutique that sold the absolute cutest clothes that _weren't_ teen clothing.

Four pairs of jeans, two sweaters, five t-shirts, nine pairs of socks, three skirts, and four pairs of shoes later, I headed into the deli to get a sub sandwich. My stomach was growling and, as a diabetic, I couldn't ignore it. I have ignored my growling stomach a few times in the past and each time I ended up in the hospital, so now I made extra sure that I fed myself and was never hungry.

I looked around the little deli as I waited. Mrs. Kishi was in there, munching on a veggie sub. I smiled and waved to her and she waved back.

"How are you, dear?" she asked, after swallowing the mouthful of vegetables in her mouth.

I shrugged. "All right, I guess. Nothing too special going on, you know?"

Mrs. Kishi nodded. "That's life, though, isn't it? Still, I'd rather have a peaceful, uneventful day than one full of chaos."

"Oh, me, too."

"Order 24 is up."

I checked the tiny slip of paper in my hands. "That's me," I told her. "Well, it was nice to see you."

"You, too, darling. We should make a lunch date sometime," Mrs. Kishi said. I smiled.

"Definitely." We hugged and I pulled away. "I'll see you soon."

"Have a good day."

I turned to claim my sandwich and froze in my tracks.

It was Teddy.

He was much thinner than I remembered him, as though prison and hunting me down had sucked something vital out of him. His once full face that shone with light was sunken in, his cheekbone razorblade sharp. His clothing didn't fit him right either, I could tell by looking at him. For a moment, I felt pity for him, this scarecrow of a man who had once been such a great man with so much potential.

He wet his lips with his tongue.

Before he could make any move or say any word, I let out a scream and backed away from him. The shop owner bent down and picked up a bat that was hidden behind the counter.

"What's going on here?" he demanded.

I shook my head. Words weren't coming to me. All I could think of was being pressed to the wall and Teddy's fingers working their way painfully in and out of my body. I could practically feel his fists battering my body once again.

Instead of explaining and getting caught again, I ignored the shop owner and ran as hard as my legs could. I stumbled out into the town square and looked around frantically. I felt a moment of relief when I saw a squad car parked across the way. I ran towards it, banging on the windows when I reached it. The officer inside rolled down the windows, looking annoyed.

"What-"

"Teddy Thomas," I gasped. "_Please!_ Get me out of here!"

"Get in," the officer said swiftly, unlocking the doors.

I threw my purchases into the back seat and flung myself into the front passenger seat. The officer was radioing in that Teddy Thomas had been spotted. I pulled on his sleeve.

"He's going to take me," I pleaded desperately and was rewarded with a rev of the engine. "Thank you."

I sat in silence as the officer hit the road, driving a bit faster than the speed limit. I could feel my body shaking. I needed to get home now.

**

* * *

**

Logan was waiting downstairs when Officer Lewis and I arrived. I ran to him and flung myself into his arms. I was shaking so hard that my teeth were chattering. Logan wrapped his strong, protective arms around me and I shut my eyes, willing myself to be calm in his embrace.

_Teddy in right there in the deli with me…_

I began to cry as Officer Lewis began to explain to Logan what had happened. Logan rubbed my back, almost absentmindedly, and I hiccoughed. My brain was beginning to feel so crowded, so screwed up with all the things that Teddy had done, all the things we'd done as a couple, and everything that I'd done to escape. I clutched at my lifeboat, Logan, even harder.

"What's going on?" I heard Mary Anne ask quietly.

"Stacey saw Teddy," Logan said tersely. Mary Anne gasped and I heard her take a step back.

"Did they catch him?" she demanded of Officer Lewis.

"I'm not sure, ma'am," he replied uneasily.

"That'll be all," Logan told Officer Lewis softly. Even though I couldn't see the young officer's face, I knew that he was relieved to be dismissed. I pressed my face against his chest again.

Mary Anne's footsteps hurried over to us as the front door opened and shut. I felt her small hand on my shoulder.

"Stacey?" she asked, her voice wavering.

I spun around to look at her. There were no words that we needed to say to one another. We both felt the same terror, the same memories of shame and degradation, and knew the anxious feeling of not being safe. Mary Anne opened her arms to me and I stepped quickly into her embrace with a sob.

"Mary Anne, it was so horrible," I sobbed miserably. "He's skinny now, but it's still him. He would've taken me, I know it, if I hadn't run. _Oh, God_." I began to shake uncontrollably. "Oh, _God_, he knows where we _live_; he'll just come and take me in the night. I'm _never_ going to be safe."

"Stacey, honey, you have to calm down," Mary Anne said softly, rubbing my back. I shook my head.

"I have to be on my toes," I replied. My heart was beating so hard I half expected it to beat its way out of my chest. "Logan, give me your gun."

Logan simply embraced the two of us, wedging me in the middle. "Shh, honey. Please calm down."

A sob burst out of my throat. "I saw Teddy," I protested.

"Oh, honey, we know. We know, baby," Logan said gently. "But, he's not here. And he's never going to be here again. All right?"

I felt my legs give out as my head suddenly spun into darkness. Moments later, I was still between Mary Anne and Logan, being held upright. Mary Anne smiled at me.

"You fainted, sweetie. Do you need anything? Water? Milk?"

I shook my head. I was suddenly feeling very tired. "I need to sleep," I replied.

Mary Anne nodded. "I'll take you upstairs. If you think you can walk upstairs."

"Yeah, I think I can."

"All right, sweetie. Let's go then."

**

* * *

**

_"You can't escape me," Teddy told me. I shook my head frantically. _

_"Teddy, please, don't do this."_

_"Shut up and stop whining," was all he would say to me._

_Below the sheer mountain face we were standing on, jagged rocks lined the coast as high waves crashed over and over against the bottom of the mountain. I closed my eyes._

_"Turn around, Stacey," Teddy commanded._

_I did it. He pressed me hard against the rough face of the mountain and I felt my cheek scrape. A moment later warm blood welled on my skin. I began to cry. _

_"Why are you doing this to me? Just let me go, please!"_

_"No, Anastasia. I have other, better plans in mind for us, but first I have to show you that you are mine and nobody else's."_

_I cried out as I felt his hand between my legs, fumbling around until he grasped the edge of my panties and yanked the down to my knees. He used his foot to kick then to my ankles and made me step out of them. Then, he kicked my feet apart, kissing the back of my neck gently. If I didn't know better, I would think that he was actually my lover instead of my rapist._

_"Don't resist me, baby," he whispered in my ear. "It's only going to hurt worse and I don't want to hurt anymore than necessary."_

_I wanted to protest again, but the sudden shock of his penis inside my body left my mouth hanging open. I choked back a cry of pain as he plunged in deep and pulled out swiftly. He repeated the pattern over and over, sometimes varying it to, I'm sure, keep me off guard and to make it more painful. All I could do was cry._

_When he reached around and began to squeeze hard on my breasts, I began to scream out loud. The pain and the fear was too much. Maybe this was what he wanted to hear, but I didn't care. I screamed loud and hard. Maybe someone would rescue me._

_Please, God._

"Stacey!"

I jerked awake. In front of me was Mary Anne. Her hair was pulled back like she always had it at night, but several strands were freed which meant that she had been sleeping and I had woken her up. I made a face.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, wiping the tears from my cheeks. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"You woke the entire house," Mary Anne replied. I blushed. "Poor Kaylee was scared to death and thought someone was in the house. Claudia is downstairs now, trying to get her back to sleep."

"And, you're trying to get me back to sleep?" I asked quietly. Mary Anne nodded.

"Was it Teddy?" she asked. I nodded. "All right. That son of a bitch." She was quiet for a long moment. "Stacey, do you mind if I sleep in your bed tonight? It might help you if you have someone else in your bed."

_Logan._

"All right."

Mary Anne climbed over me and slid under the covers on the wall side of bed. She eased me down onto my pillows again, facing her. I didn't turn off the bedside lamp and Mary Anne said nothing about it. I sighed softly and Mary Anne pressed her hand against my face.

"We're going to get through this," she told me. "He's going to be caught. He's going to slip up. And, we're not going to let him control how we live our lives."

"Did your therapist tell you that?" I demanded.

"Yeah and I'm trying to take it to heart." She leaned over and kissed my forehead. I felt tears well up in my eyes at that simple, loving gesture. "You should, too."

"I'll try, Mary Anne. I'll really try."


	13. Depression

**Chapter Thirteen: Depression**

_Mary Anne_

_April 4_

It'd been over a month and I'd kept my mouth shut. I hadn't said a word when I knew that Stacey and Logan were having sex with one another while he was still with me. Of course, I hadn't slept with Logan in over a month as well. Well, longer than that. I hadn't slept with Logan since before I was raped. I hadn't had any desire to be intimate, even before I knew that he was sleeping with Stacey.

To be frank, I had no idea what to do. I had never been that big on confrontation, even when it's something as important as this. I suppose part of me would have rather just sat and waited for them to finish their affair on their own so that I didn't have to get involved and didn't have to stick my neck out. I'd like to say that I knew that they would never intentionally hurt me, but what does sleeping with one another behind my back and pretending nothing is happening to my face count as?

I sank down on the couch in the front room. I didn't bother to turn on the television. I had no intention of watching it, anyways. Instead, I curled my legs up underneath me, pulled a throw pillow onto my lap, and proceeded to pick at the fringe along the edges of the pillow.

Stacey was out at her mother's this afternoon and Logan was putting in a few hours of overtime. We needed the money for a new home security system that Logan wanted to purchase. It was simply costing Stoneybrook too much money and manpower to provide the police detail that we all felt comfortable with and Logan wanted to buy the biggest and next best thing to replace the police detail once it was gone. Of course, having an actual police officer, Logan, in the house, was something of a comfort, too.

Logan was due home any minute. I swallowed and pulled a strand of fringe off of the pillow. I was going to talk to him when he came home. When he didn't have Stacey to run off to and when she couldn't swoop in and take his side. I just wanted to talk to him, the man that I thought loved me, and find out why he would do something like this to hurt me, after everything that I had already been through.

I heard his key turn in the front door's lock and swept my fingers through my brown hair nervously. I hated having to do this. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just leave it alone and go along with what they were doing. Pretend that nothing was happening and that everything was going all right in our perfect little house.

_Maybe…_

"Mary Anne," Logan called from the doorway. "Can you give me a hand with these groceries?"

I practically jumped off the couch and rushed over to him. Without saying hello or anything, I scooped up a couple of the bags and hurried off to the kitchen with them. Logan shuffled out of his jacket and followed behind me. I started putting away things as he entered the kitchen and set down the other bags on the kitchen table. I refused to look at him. This wasn't going the way I wanted it to go.

"Mary Anne?" he asked quietly and I stilled. My heart was pounding in my chest. "Is there something wrong?"

"I think I should be the one asking the questions tonight," I replied just as quietly. Logan sat down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs.

"What do you mean?"

I turned around slowly to face him and was saddened to see the answer written all over his face already. He looked almost like he was about to be sick to his stomach and yet managed to look ashamed and guilty at the exact same time. I glanced away from him and bit down on my lip. A little pain brought me back to what I wanted to do.

"Have you been cheating on me, Logan?" I asked, still not looking at him. I heard him groan in pain and felt that same pain course through my body. I gripped the counter for support and shook my head, desperate to stay grounded and not start crying. "Don't lie to me."

"It's not as easy as that."  
Tears spilt down my cheeks but I made no effort to brush them away. So much for trying to stay cool and collected. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded, hating the way my voice shook with anger and pain.

Logan let out a watery sigh. "God, we never _meant_ for this to happen," he told me. "It wasn't like we decided to have an affair because it would hurt you. Honest to God, Mary Anne."

"And yet you _kept_ doing it." I finally looked at him. He had his hands over his face and his shoulder suggested that he was in pain. "Over and over again."

"I know," he moaned softly.

"Whose idea was that? Yours or hers?"

He looked up at me. "I told you, it wasn't some big idea. It just happened and we never stopped it from happening once it started."

"Lucky you, having someone to sleep with while your girlfriend is off in Crazyland. Of course, it's not like Stacey will be winning any prizes for being so sane, either."

Logan frowned. "Don't say things like that about her."

"Don't tell me what to say!" I shouted. I was officially off the Mary Anne grid now. I didn't know where I was going. I was lost in the woods, driving without a map, etcetera, etcetera. "You have no idea what you two have done, _do you?_"

"Calm down, Mary Anne," he said softly. He put up his hands as though to placate me. I slammed my palm down on the counter behind me.

"_No!_" I shrieked. "I am _not_ going to calm down, Logan. _You fucked Stacey!_ You're supposed to _my_ boyfriend! You're supposed to love _me_ and be faithful to _me!_" He flinched. "And you weren't. How could you _do_ this to me? To us?"

"It wasn't like we planned this," he replied weakly.

I took a deep breath and strode out of the kitchen. I couldn't handle being near him right now. Maybe later, when I could forgive again, I could look into his face, but right now there was nothing I wanted more than to get away from him.

He grabbed my arm from behind and spun me around. I nearly lost my balance and had to stumble into his arms to stay upright. I pushed away from him angrily.

"Leave me alone!" I moaned. "I can't do this anymore."

"Please, listen to me, M-A," he pleaded. "Just listen to what I need to tell you. You've always listened to me before."

"That's _before_ you cheated on me," I told him. "I don't think I have it in me to listen to you anymore. Besides, how do I know it won't just be another lie?"

"Mary Anne…" Logan broke off, looking hurt and confused. Part of me wanted to reach out and comfort him. The part of me that still foolishly loved him. I looked away.

"If you care about me at all, Logan, then you'll leave me alone right now," I said quietly.

Logan sighed then nodded slowly. "All right."

"Thank you."

I turned around quickly and walked away from him. With each step I wondered if I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life.

**

* * *

**

I closed the door to the bathroom behind me. I didn't bother to lock it. I knew that Logan wouldn't come charging in. He would leave me alone and give me the space I needed right now. If I could count on one thing, it was Logan being attuned to my needs and responding accordingly.

I leaned back against the wooden door. Like the rest of the house, the master bathroom was made of wood. Sanded up logs, to be more specific. While the rest of the house had the feel of a log cabin in the woods to it, the master bathroom truly gave anyone that impression. Everything in the bathroom was set in wood. We had found an excellent carpenter to redo the sink and mirror so that it look like they were set in a block of wood logs. Even the toilet had a wooden log shelving unit above and slightly around it. It also naturally smelled of wood shavings and the wood burning stove that we sometimes lit to provide extra heat to the house.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. I was going to take a long, hot bath to soothe some of the pain and tension from my body. The confrontation with Logan had been hell on my back and neck. They were positively throbbing. I rubbed the back of my neck, opened my eyes, and walked over to the bathtub (we had the kind that sat up on clawed feet and was surrounded on top by a circular shower curtain). I turned it on all the way on hot before going to the second shelving unit in the bathroom to retrieve my bath salts and bubble baths.

I was generous with my bath. I dumped in a few handfuls of juniper scented bath salts before pouring in a large amount of the same scented bubble bath. Immediately the room took on a completely different, comforting smell. Not that I didn't love the smell of our bathroom naturally, as strange as that may seem, but there was something about the smell of hot bubble bath that just made me feel relaxed.

Stripping off my clothing, I pulled a towel off the rack and wrapped myself in it before perching on the toilet seat, waiting for my bath to be filled to my desire. While the water poured in, I let myself zone out and stop thinking for a brief while. I didn't need to think. I needed to rest my mind.

Finally, the tub was full. I dipped my foot in to test the temperature and sighed in contentment. It was perfect. I quickly stepped in and sunk down into the very warm water. The hot water had given way to cold water, making the bath the perfect temperature, just like it always did. It was like our hot water heater knew just how to make the perfect bath and did it every single time.

I leaned back and closed my eyes. Suddenly, thoughts of Stacey and Logan making love entered my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tried to will the two of them out of my head, but I couldn't. I could hear her gasping as he thrust into her and his hitched little breaths as he found his satisfaction in her. Just like he did with me.

I sat up, my eyes snapping open. Without any further struggle to keep them in, I found myself pouring hot, miserable tears out into my bath. I began to sob and covered my face with my hands.

There was a knock at the door.

"Mary Anne? Are you all right?"

Logan. How _dare_ he? How _dare_ he think he could speak to me after everything he had done to me?

"_Leave me alone!_" I screamed.

I heard him sigh then heard his footsteps walk away from the bathroom door. I leaned back again and continued to cry hard.

I couldn't stop. It was like a dam had burst inside of me and nothing could stopper it. It felt like I sobbed for hours, but it probably only lasted for a half hour or so.

When I was finished, I felt exhaustion settle over and around me. I sank down into the warm bubbles and wiped my eyes. I didn't have anything left. I had no more fight, no more energy left in me.

My eyes slipped closed and I sank farther down. My nose was just above the warm water. My knees were poking out of the water and were being tickled by the cooler air of the bathroom. I breathed in deeply and then let myself sink under.

Time became wavy. I opened my eyes once to look up through the clear water and the slowly fading bubbles. The salts were dissolving around my body in a slow, breaking way. I breathed in deep, ignoring the burning in my lungs and only thinking of the pain in my heart.

As I began to black out, I felt strong, large arms scoop under my knees and the top of my back. I was literally swimming in and out of consciousness as the big figure pressed his lips onto mine, breathing air into my lungs for me. I didn't protest, I _couldn't_, as the figure pumped hard on my chest. I simply stared straight up at the log cabin ceiling. I thought of how sad it would be if that was the very last thing that I saw in this world.

Suddenly, I felt myself choking and I was rolled onto my side. Water came spilling out of my mouth and so did the little bit of food that I had consumed that day. I let my eyes slip closed in exhaustion as I was gently laid back onto my back and covered with a towel.

There was talking. My mind was beginning to clear. It was probably Logan calling an ambulance. Had I just almost tried to drown myself? Had he just saved my life? I began to shake uncontrollably and opened my eyes.

"Logan?"

"Mary Anne?" Logan spun around as he closed his cell phone and dropped onto his knees beside me. He lifted me with all the care and gentleness in the world and I felt myself begin to cry once more at his tenderness. "Thank God. Oh, God, _thank you_." He began to kiss my face. "Thank God."

"Did you just save me?"

He nodded wordlessly and I wrapped my arms around him. I buried my wet face against his sweater. He'd betrayed me, that was certain, but it was suddenly plain as day how much he loved me.

And how much I loved him, too.

"I thought I'd lose you."

"I… Oh, _God_, Logan… what's _happening_ to us?"

**

* * *

**

Logan sat on the bed beside me. I knew that he really shouldn't be, but I let him. Half of me was still angry and bitter against him for betraying me with Stacey while the other half of me was in awe of his steadfast love for me. I know it sounds stupid, me thinking that he must still be in love with me simply because he saved my life, but I saw the look in his eyes and it was the look of love that had always been there for me. It was the "Mary Anne" look, as Kristy said. She said it was this special expression that only ever appeared on his face when I was around him.

I settled my head against his chest and sighed.

I was hooked up to an IV that was filling me with warmed saline and an antidepressant. I don't know why they insisted on the IV. Maybe it was punishment for my spontaneous suicide attempt. I could already see bruising spreading out around the site where it was slid underneath my skin.

The doctor walked into the room and Logan hopped off of the bed. I felt jostled and had to steady myself.

"Ms. Spier?" I nodded my head. "Could I speak to you alone?"

I nodded my head once again and Logan moved towards the door. The doctor stopped him right before he left.

"Don't go too far. If Ms. Spier is all right with it, I'd like to talk to both of you once the two of us are done."

"Sure," Logan agreed. He smiled helpfully at me and I returned the smile weakly.

The doctor moved a chair up to the foot of my bed and sat down. He adjusted his white jacket, watched me for a moment, and then set my chart down at the foot of the bed.

"May I call you Mary Anne?" I nodded, starting to feel a bit like a puppet on a string. "Mary Anne, we need to talk about your suicide attempt and what appears to be a profound depression."

I looked down and away from him immediately. This man didn't even know me and here he was, trying to understand what he couldn't possibly.

"Mary Anne, I know that this is a difficult subject to talk about, but it's something that we need to discuss."

"What if I can't?" I asked honestly.

"If I can't assess you then I am going to be forced to admit to our psych wing for observation to make sure that you don't hurt yourself again," he said calmly. I swallowed roughly.

"I don't know what to say," I confessed. "Besides… it's all so complicated."

"I have the time to listen. It's my job," he said with a smile. I smiled in return, feeling a little more at ease.

"All right." I watched him carefully. "You'll have to start me off. I don't know how to start all of this."

"What made you so upset that you decided to attempt suicide today?" he asked with a calm bluntness. I nodded slowly and swallowed a couple of times before answering.

"I didn't plan it. It wasn't like I was planning on drowning myself." I paused. That wasn't what he had asked, was it? I was already screwing up. I looked at him helplessly and he smiled encouragingly. "I had a fight with my boyfriend, to sum it up. It sounds so stupid when I put it like that, but that's what happened."

"About what?"

How much should I tell him? I decided to go all in. After all, what could it possibly hurt?

"He's been cheating on me with my best friend," I said. "Stacey. See, it's a very complicated situation. Stacey lives with us because her ex-boyfriend got out of jail recently and he's an absolute psycho. I mean that, too. He's a serial rapist." I looked away again. I could feel my face start to heat up with shame. "He raped me, in fact. When he came to the house, trying to find Stacey. So, I haven't really been able to be intimate with my boyfriend and for whatever reason, he and Stacey started having sex behind my back. After everything I did to try and protect her from Teddy, she repays me by sleeping with my boyfriend."

I started to cry again and the doctor offered me a box of tissues. I pulled out a few and pressed them to my face. _Damn it!_ I had managed to finally stop crying and this doctor insists on pulling it all right back out of me again.

"What was the rape like for you? What did it do to you?"

"It ruined _everything!_" I almost shouted. "What do you _think_ it did? I mean, I fought as hard as I could and he still pinned me down and hurt me." I shook my head. "I fought _so_ hard and he beat me like I was some wild animal that needed to be broken or something."

"And you're not," he said softly, gently.

"No," I said, sounding less sure of myself. "I'm not."

"Why do you sound unsure about that?"

I combed my fingers through my hair. "I'm not unsure. I'm sure. I'm just… can we change the topic?"

"All right. Have you noticed your depression becoming worse since the rape?" he asked and, once more, I felt ashamed.

"I was a little depressed before the rape. I tend to get SAD during the winter, but after the rape…" I looked him straight in the eye. "I don't know how many times I've thought about dying or wishing that I could just fade away from this life."

"Fade away?"

"Just kind of fade into the background until I'm not even there anymore," I whispered, rubbing my temples. My head was starting to pound. "Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, Mary Anne," my doctor said gently. "It sounds like you've been having a very difficult few months."

"To say the least."

"How would you feel about regular therapy?"

I thought for a moment. This wasn't so bad. Besides, people who went through what I've gone through usually did go to therapy, don't they? I nodded slowly.

"I'd be OK with that," I told him.

"Good, because I think that you would benefit greatly from therapy," he said. He riffled through a folder that he had been carrying with him. He handed me a small white card. "Her name is Heidi Freeman. She does individual and group therapy for rape survivors and I think you'd benefit greatly."

"Thanks," I replied, feeling kind of numb and tired. The doctor patted the bed.

"How about I bring your boyfriend back into the room?"

"All right," I agreed.

Logan reentered the room and took a seat on the bed, beside me. I slipped my hand into his and offered him a weak smile. He stroked the loose hair back from my face before looking back towards the doctor.

"All right," the doctor began. "What needs to happen is a serious change in Mary Anne's home environment." Logan glanced at me. "She told me about the rape and the affair and I don't think that living in that kind of environment is going to help Mary Anne to heal."

"It's so complicated, though," Logan said softly, squeezing my hand. "It's not that I want for Mary Anne to be worried or upset at all, it's just… the girl that I've been with… it's very complicated."

The doctor nodded. "Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. You don't have to change everything immediately, but I do suggest that you both start making some changes as soon as you get home. Little things. Do you have any ideas?"

I nodded. "I won't hold everything inside," I offered. "I'll try to be upfront about how I'm feeling."

"That's good, Mary Anne. And, what about you?"

Logan looked at me helplessly. I knew that the relationship that he had formed with Stacey was complex and not something that he could just rip himself out of, no matter how much I wanted him exclusively to myself. I knew I would have to wait for Logan and Stacey to come to a more natural end if Stacey were to remain close with us, which, as angry with her as I was, was what I wanted.

"I will stop sneaking around," Logan promised. "No more hiding things behind your back from now on."

"Thank you," I whispered. I knew it would hurt, but it was something. A step in the right direction. At least, I hoped that it was.

"Good," my doctor said. "Now, I'm going to get your discharge papers in order so that you can get home tonight, Mary Anne. Do you have any more questions for me?" I shook my head. I was too overwhelmed by everything anyways. "All right. Good luck. To both of you."

He left the room and Logan turned to me. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.

"Mary Anne, I am so sorry for everything," he whispered. I held onto his wrists gently.

"I know you are. I _know_, Logan," I replied. "Teddy's destroying us."

"_No!_ No, he's not," Logan said strongly. He tilted my face up so that I was looking into his eyes. His wonderfully warm brown eyes. "He's _not_ going to destroy us, Mary Anne. We're going to make it through this, believe me. I've made horrible mistakes with us, but I'm going to make things better. We're going to get better." He kissed me deeply and I felt my mouth open to accept him. We pulled apart and I blinked my eyes open. "I love you."

I let out a sob. "I love you, too, Logan. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Baby, you didn't," he said. "Let's move past this, please. Let's move on and go to a place where you and I are back to where we once were."

I smiled through my tears. "Do you know how funny that sounds?"

"I don't care. I love you. I'm going to make this right, Mary Anne. I swear to you that I am going to make this right."

I kissed him. "I believe you." I kissed him again then pulled away. "But, Logan, I'm going to need a few days to myself. To sort things out. In my head, you know? This whole thing has been so crazy that I need some time to think and some time to get my head together. Do you think you can give me that?"

He kissed my nose and I smiled. "I can give you whatever you need, Mary Anne. Anything."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Hello, everyone, and thank you for reading! I just wanted to say a few things to my readers out there, so please, bear with me.

First of all, thank you for the reviews. I really love receiving them. It brightens my day each time I open my email and discover that one of you has decided to post a review to my story. I would like to encourage you all to write more reviews because, honestly, I need your feedback to create a truly winning piece of literature. Without feedback, it's only something that I think is good and not something that the rest of you are pleased to be reading as well and I want to write something that my readers love to read. So, please, review after you read and let me know what you think. :)

And, as always, please note that I always carry a serious tone whenever discussing elements like rape and suicide. I am very passionate about the two and hope to dedicate myself to helping both rape survivors and those contemplating suicide in whatever ways I can. For now, if I can help anyone through my writing, please, take what you can from it. If my writing is in any way theraputic then I am happy to have helped you. I would also like to encourage both groups to get the necessary professional help that you need, if you aren't already. And for those of you who know rape survivors and those with suicidal ideations, please do what you can to help them through this dark hour.

Thank you and, as always, happy reading.

**_The Lady Elizabeth_**


	14. Tender

**Chapter Fourteen: Tender**

_Logan_

_April 10_

It's out in the open now and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. It was easier in some ways to keep everything hidden in the shadows, sneaking about like we had some precious secret to protect; which, in a way, we did. It was easier to pretend that I had two separate lives, two separate selves, so that I wouldn't hurt one woman whenever I was with the other. It was just easier to pretend, period.

Now, however, reality had hit and there was nothing that I could hide behind. Mary Anne made it clear that she knew about Stacey and I and that it was killing her to know that the two of us were together behind her back. Stacey now knew that Mary Anne was openly against our relationship and was trying to come to terms with that new knowledge. I was right where I belong- in the middle of everything because it's basically my own fault that all of this was happening anyways.

But, how? I don't know how I managed to fall in love with two women at the same time. I was in love with Mary Anne and I never thought that anything would change the relationship that we had. I never counted on or even suspected someone like Stacey entering into our lives like she did. How could I?

Since the hospital, Mary Anne has been much more quiet and pensive than usual. She's been spending most of her free time looking out the windows or just sitting aimlessly, as though she doesn't quite know what to do with herself. I know that it's my fault that she's so depressed; after all, I'm the one who betrayed her when she needed me most. God, though, it hurts watching her just sit there. Sometimes, she'll look right up and back at me and we'll just stare at one another for a long moment before she'll get up and walk away.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I thought that we forgave one another, but she's so quiet now that I wonder if we ever said those words. I wonder how she must be feeling right now. What exactly is going on behind those emotionless eyes of hers? Is she hiding what she's feeling or is she really feeling what she seems to be feeling? Is she feeling as blank and emotionless as she looks these past few days?

And what about Stacey? I knew that she was feeling the pressure of being the "other woman" for a long time now and it was probably next to unbearable now that Mary Anne openly knew. I knew that Stacey wasn't as sensitive to other people's emotions as Mary Anne was, but I also knew that she was very sensitive to Mary Anne's emotions. She had become more attuned to my girlfriend than any other person, save perhaps myself or her own mother, and was constantly trying to please Mary Anne. Stacey was probably ready to burst into tears for the agony of knowing that she was openly hurting Mary Anne now.

**

* * *

**

I picked up the cordless phone in the kitchen, sat down at the table with a glass of Coke Cola in front of me, and dialed the first number that popped into my head. I knew that I had to talk with her. She would have the best advice for me on how to handle this. After all, she knew me better than anyone, except Mary Anne. Even Stacey didn't know me quite as well as she did.

"Hello?" she answered on the second ring. I smiled.

"Hey, Abby. It's me."

I could almost see Abby Stevenson smile in return. "Logan! I haven't heard from you in forever! How are you?"

"Well, I'd say fine, but you'd know I was lying," I told her.

"You never could lie very well, Bruno," she replied. There was a beat of silence before she went on. "How is Mary Anne?"

"That's kind of why I wanted to call you. I need to talk to you about her."

"You need relationship advice from the girl who hasn't had a relationship that's lasted more than six months since she was 23?" Abby asked incredulously.

"Well, you're doing a lot better than I am these days," I replied and took a drink of my Coke. I licked my lips, dreading having to confess something that I had kept a secret from even my best friend. "Abby, I've been having an affair with Stacey McGill and Mary Anne knows about it."

There was silence on the other side. "Abby?"

"I can't believe you," she finally whispered. "How could you _do_ something like that to her? After what she went through? After you say that you love her so much?"

"I'm scum," I mumbled. "That's why. I'm a piece of shit."

Abby cleared her throat. "No. No, you're not. You just _did_ a really shitty thing, Logan."

"And now I don't know what the hell to do about it," I explained. "Mary Anne knows about us. Stacey and me, I mean. But Mary Anne says that she's ready to forgive and forget and to move on with me."

Abby let out a snort. "Well, then try not to be a total ass when you do. She's being incredibly gracious and forgiving. I doubt that I'd have that kind of grace."

"I know," I groaned. "That's why this is so damn hard."

"Why?" she demanded, sounding annoyed. "What's so hard? She's ready to forgive you for doing something awful, Logan. What's so hard about that? The hard part is on her end, not yours."

"Maybe I should just come out and say that I'm in love with Stacey."

I heard what sounded like Abby slapping her forehead. I quickly took another drink of my Coke and swallowed hard several times. The line was silent for a long time.

"You love both of them?" Abby finally asked.

I nodded needlessly. "Yeah, I do. I can't help it." I closed my eyes. "What do I do, Abby? What am I supposed to do when I love both of them with all my heart?"

"You do whatever Mary Anne wants," Abby said immediately. "Don't get me wrong: I like Stacey McGill, but it's Mary Anne who you said that you were going to commit yourself to. Not Stacey. Stacey is, to be blunt, the _other_ woman. You have to do what Mary Anne wants and what she needs because _she's_ the one who you are going to end up with."

"Well, what about Stacey?" I protested, sounding angry to even myself. "Do I just throw her aside or something? Like a piece of used trash? I can't just shove her off like that."

"I didn't say that!" Abby snapped defensively. "What I meant was that if you really love Mary Anne, you're going to have to make that hard decision. You're going to need to make it because you love her. You still love her as much as you did before Stacey, right?"

"More," I said passionately. Abby sighed.

"Then you have to do this. I know it's hard to hear, but she needs you. You need to stop what you're doing and be there for Mary Anne."

_Stacey._

"You're right," I said, feeling defeated. "You're right. I mean, I love her. I have to do this for her, don't I?"

"You do. Logan?"

"Yeah, Abbs?"

"I'm really sorry."

"Me, too."

We changed the topic and talked for a while longer. It was light and comfortable after that and neither of us had any reason to bring up the subject of Mary Anne and Stacey again. Eventually, Abby heard her boyfriend calling her in the background and told me that she had to get going. They were going to go and sign for a lease on a restaurant space that she had been looking at for a while. Apparently, Abby was interested in opening her own comedy club/restaurant. I wished her luck and we hung up.

I drummed my fingers on the table and tried to ease my racing thoughts.

I didn't know if I could follow through with the advice that Abby had given me, good as it was. I was absolutely truthful when I had told her that I was in love with Stacey and I was completely truthful when I told her that I couldn't just put her aside. I loved Stacey and I didn't know what I would do without her. I knew that I would fall apart without Mary Anne, but now that I knew what loving Stacey was, I wasn't sure if I could endure a life without her.

**

* * *

**

"Logan?"

I jumped in surprise and looked up. Mary Anne's eyebrows rose as she stared at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I was still seated at our kitchen and had been deep in thought.

"You startled me," I told her. She blinked.

"I didn't mean to," she said quietly. "I thought you heard me."

"It's no big deal," I told her quickly. I reached for her hand and was pleasantly and mildly surprised when she set it in my own. "Come on. Sit down."

"I wanted to talk to you," she said as she pulled out the chair next to mine. Before she sat down, I admired the way her honey and rose colored blouse swung around her chest and stomach and how her dark blue jeans hugged her hips and flared out ever so slightly at the bottoms of the legs. She always did know how to dress, I had to admit, and for someone who wasn't much into fashion, I admired it from the way she wore it.

I smiled at my girlfriend. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Us," she said bluntly. "And you and Stacey."

Once more, I found myself swallowing nervously. Would this be like the conversation that I had just had with Abby? Would Mary Anne ask me to put Stacey aside, too? Could I even manage to say to her face that I couldn't put Stacey aside?

"I figured that you'd want to talk about it sooner or later," I admitted. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "What do you want to talk about first?"

Mary Anne glanced down for a moment. "I need to know something first. It's… it's kind of, well, weird for me to ask this, so I'm just going to put it out there." Her eyes met mine again. "Do you love Stacey like you love me?"

I immediately shook my head and something about her seemed to relax. "Honey, you know that I don't. The way that I love you… well, there's nothing to compare it to. I could never love another woman the way that I love you. You were my first and you are my forever. There's nothing that compares to that."

"But, you do love her, don't you?" she pressed. "It's not just about the sex, is it?"

I shook my head. "No, it's not about the sex. Do you think that I would honestly risk everything I had with you if I didn't absolutely love her? Do you think I'd throw us away for sex?"

"No, of course not," she said, blushing. "I didn't mean to make you sound shallow."

I bent my head down. "God, Mary Anne, I _am_, though. I cheated on you. I lost my self-control and risked everything. There may never be an 'us' again because of what I did."

I heard a small moan escape her and looked up. She was biting her lip and struggling not to cry. I moved my chair quickly so that I could wrap my arms around her shoulders. She leaned against me.

"I don't know why this had to get so complicated," she whimpered. "If it had been about the sex, I would know what to do. Since it's not, this just makes everything more difficult."

"I want to be with you," I told her honestly. She turned her head to kiss me.

"I want that, too. Only…"

"I still love Stacey."

"Yes."

We both sat in silence. I watched her breathe, her chest expanding and collapsing with every breath. I reached up and slid a strand of her brown hair between my fingers. It was silky and smooth, just as I thought it would be. Just as it had always been, from the day we first met. I sighed with the thought of us having known each other for so long and having loved one another for nearly that entire length of time. It seemed like forever and now… now what would that forever mean?

She looked away. "Logan, this is very hard for me to say." My heart skipped a beat. "So, I'm just going to say it, all right?"  
"Oh, God, Mary Anne, please don't," I begged, grabbing onto her hands. She winced. "Please don't say that you're breaking up with me."

To my horror, a faint smile came to her lips. "No, you big dork, I'm not breaking up with you. Calm down." I let out a breath that I hadn't been aware that I was holding. "I'm trying to tell you that I've given this a lot of thought and I can understand where you're coming from when you talk about Stacey. Well, kind of."

"You can?"

"Sure." She pulled her hands free and folded them on top of the kitchen table. "I'm in love with you, aren't I? I understand what love feels like and how hard it is to give something like that up. I'd move mountains and rivers for you, Logan, if someone asked me to. I know I would. And, now you feel this way about another woman." I ducked my head in shame. "It's OK, Logan. I can forgive you. I already have. I mean, I wish it didn't have to be this way, but sometimes love isn't always nice or easy. Sometimes, it's cruel and it makes us fall in love with people that we never wanted to fall in love with or with people who just end up hurting us." I caught her shrug out of the corner of my eye. "I fell in love a few times with some real scum bags and still loved them after I found out, so I know that the human heart doesn't always play fair. Logan, I don't know what I would do in your situation if I were you."

I laughed, but it had enough of a bitter edge on it that Mary Anne just gave me one of her thin half-smiles.

"Well, that makes two of us," I replied.

"So," she continued as though I hadn't really interrupted her flow, "I've decided that I'm going to make this a lot easier on you than I know people would tell me that you have any right to." Her hand reached across the table, caught my chin, and dragged my head up so that I was making eye contact with her. "We're going to work something out between the three of us."

"_The three of us?_" I asked in disbelief. I shook my head and she dropped her hand. "How-"

"You love us both? Commit to us both," she said simply. "I love you and I know that you love me, but I also know that you love her. I don't want to hurt you, so I'm not going to ask you to give her up. Maybe I'm being a perfect idiot, but that's what I'm going to do. I want to work out something that the three of us can handle. It doesn't need to be anyone else's business but ours. Does that make sense?"

I shook my head. "Maybe it will once it sinks in, but my God. Mary Anne, how can you do this?"

She suddenly let out a choked sob. "This is the only way I'm not going to lose you," she managed to get out.

I stood up and wrapped her in my arms. She sobbed against me, her entire body shaking. I rubbed her back and, as she calmed, played with her hair. Eventually, the sobs subsided and she was only sniffling against my shoulder, though she was still holding on tight, like she was scared that she would lose me. Like she had said she was scared of. I gave her a squeeze and kissed the top of her head.

"Don't worry, honey. You weren't going to lose me, no matter which way this all worked out," I assured her.

"You're only saying that."

"I wish that I were," I said. "It would be so much easier if I didn't know that my world would fall to pieces without you. As cornball-ish as that sounds."

"It is pretty syrupy, you big fairy," she teased. She wiped her face and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me. "You keep giving me all these reasons to love you."

**

* * *

**

Mary Anne was in the bedroom, I knew. She had excused herself early from dinner and had walked upstairs with quiet ease. Stacey and I had a brief, hushed conversation about what it meant that she didn't seem to want to be around us. As usual, poor Stacey was convinced it was because of some horrible reason, like Mary Anne had decided that she was really _not_ all right with the tentative agreement that she and I had made earlier in the day.

Personally, I thought that Mary Anne was just tired and worn out from such a long, draining day and had excused herself early to go upstairs to relax before she went to bed. It was typical Mary Anne and, knowing her as intimately and as long as I had, I figured that I was probably on the right track.

I decided to give my lover an hour to herself Stacey and I stayed in the living room and I concentrated on keeping Stacey as calm and at ease as was possible, given the circumstances. Ever since Teddy had gotten out of jail, Stacey had been looking over her shoulder constantly with wide, wild eyes. Granted, she didn't do it in our own home, but I could almost feel her urge to look behind her as she twisted a blanket in her hands. Gently, I rested my hands on top of hers, stilling her frantic fingers. Her huge blue eyes looked up at me questioningly.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. I brought my head down so that my forehead was bumped up against hers and she winced slightly.

"I'm worried."

"I could tell. The poor blanket."

Stacey blushed prettily and moved her head from mine, keeping her eyes lowered. "Yeah, about that… the blanket is probably going to need some therapy after the way I've been twisting it around."

"Let's hope my insurance covers blanket therapy."

"Ha ha," she remarked dryly, though I could tell by the curve of her mouth that she was beginning to feel a little bit better. "Listen, Logan, I don't know about this."

"Honey, Mary Anne and I talked about this today. We agreed that we're going to work something out so that you don't need to worry," I told her gently, leaning forward to kiss her brow. She closed her eyes and sighed. "All right?"

"I know, Logan, I do. I just don't want her to change her mind." She suddenly grabbed onto me and held me tightly like she was afraid if she let go I could disappear. "I don't want to lose you. I _can't_ lose you."

"And, you won't," I promised her. "I will always be here for you, Stacey. You have to start having a little faith in that. In me."

She gave me a little squeeze. "I want to. I really do."

"So do."

I wrapped my arms around her when her body trembled a little and I knew that she was crying against my chest. I rubbed small circles into her back with my hands while whispering soothing nonsense into her ears until her sniffles began to subside and she moved her head to lean its side against my chest. I brushed her hair away from her face gently and heard her sigh quietly.

"It won't always be like this," she promised. "I'll get better."

"I know," I replied quietly.

We sat together in silence for a long while before Stacey shifted slightly and cleared her throat. I hugged her closer and heard her sigh contentedly. I smiled.

"Logan?"

"Yes?"

"If you had to choose…?"

"I'm not going to discuss that and you already know that," I told her gently. She nodded and we were quiet for another while. Then she sat up and snuggled against my side.

"Tell me a story," she said quietly. I glanced at her face. She looked quiet and sedate, a child looking for a bedtime story. I smiled indulgently and she returned my smile with one of her radiant ones. It was easy to see how Teddy had fallen so madly in love with this woman.

"A fairy tale?" I teased. Stacey giggled.

"No, just a story about you; something that I don't already know about." She brushed a lock of my hair back behind my ear and looked pleased when it flopped right back to where it had been. "Something uniquely and originally Logan Bruno."

"Well…" I paused to think. What could I tell her about that was appropriate and that wouldn't upset her? I had gone through a rebellious stage during high school and had done a lot of things that I shouldn't have. Stacey wouldn't have known about it because it was after I had broken up with Mary Anne and was dating Abby Stevenson. It had been rough on Abby at the time, but she had stuck by me because we both cared about one another so much. I blinked and refocused my thoughts. Something to tell Stacey about… "Well, OK. When I was fourteen, Dad and Mom took us kids to California for about two weeks during the summer."

"I don't remember that," she said, looking very interested. I smiled.

"Well, Mary Anne and I had broken up the year before and we all weren't really talking very much," I reminded her. She nodded in recollection. I went on. "Anyways, we went to California because one of my aunts got married to this rich man who decided that he wanted to live in sunny California. She packed up without a word otherwise and a few months later sent Mom a letter saying how lonely she was, away from the rest of the family. So, Mom and Dad decided to spend our vacation that summer in California since she was so homesick and missing her family."

"That's so sweet," Stacey said. "That's a nice little story."

"That's the background, honey. I haven't even gotten to the story yet."

"Oh, no," Stacey moaned with mock dread. "This isn't going to be some 'adolescent sexual free-for-all while you were in another place' story, is it?"

I let out a laugh. "No! Get your filthy little head out of the gutter!" I tickled her ribs and she let out a howl of laughter before scooting away from me, over to the far side of the couch. "Will you just let me finish?"

"Once you actually get to the story, yes, I will," she replied. I shook my head. Oh, the things that I put up with.

"All right. I'll be quiet," Stacey murmured, pretending to zip her lips, lock them then throw away the key. I grinned at her before I went on.

"We went cliff diving while we were there."

"Logan Bruno!" Stacey burst out in real shock. "You could've been killed!"

"You promised to be quiet!"

"I'm sorry, but-"

"Stace, it was over ten years ago. It's not like I'm planning on doing it again next week." She eyeballed me. "Or, ever. Even though it was amazing."

"Really? It wasn't the most terrifying event in your entire life?"

"No, that was coming home to find Mary Anne had been raped," I said softly. We were both quiet. I forced a cough. "_Anyways_.

"It was exhilarating. You literally feel like you're flying when you run and leap off of the cliff." Stacey's eyes slid shut and I knew that she was picturing the freedom of flying. I found myself pitying her. She just wanted to be free of all of this chaos, I knew. "Nothing is around you, not even the ground anymore and, for a moment, not even gravity seems to have any effect on you. It's just this feeling of pure and simple flight. Of course, then you start to fall and you fall fast, so fast that it presses your skin against you bones. When I opened my mouth, I could feel my cheeks flapping at the speed of the wind around me. The best part was, even as I fell faster and faster, I had no fear because I knew that the waves would catch me.

"They do, too. They completely surround you. It's like being in a huge, blue blanket of cool water. It wasn't even cold, really, not even after zipping through the air. Maybe that's because the air was so stifling when we went diving. Any how, it was amazing. I felt like nothing in the world could hurt me and when my older cousin, Hugh, pulled me out of the waves, I was almost disappointed that I couldn't stay in that underwater world."

Stacey sighed. "Sometimes, you really do tell a nice little story."

"Well, isn't that what you wanted?" I asked her sweetly, leaning towards her, pressing my hands down on the couch. She smiled.

"Yes, but before you try coming over here I want to tell you something."

I hesitated, suddenly feeling nervous. "What?"

"You need to go upstairs and be with Mary Anne," she said seriously. "You need to be with her tonight, not me. I've already kept you too long as it is."

"Am I hearing you right?" I asked in surprise.

Stacey nodded. "Yes, you are. You need to be with her tonight. She needs you right now."

"And you don't?"

"Oh, I could think of some things to do to you right now," she said in her sexy, low voice. I smiled. "But, would you just listen to me?"

"All right, I will. You don't need to get pushy," I told her. She kissed my cheek then my lips then pulled away.

"Go," she urged.

Feeling a little strange, I stood up and straightened out my cuddle-rumpled clothes. Stacey watched me and I hesitated. She shook her head.

"I'll be fine. I promise."

I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Bright and early," she chirped back and I shook my head. She grinned. "Go on, now."

I straightened back up and turned around. The walk to the stairs that led up to the second floor bedrooms (there was a second set of rather steep stairs in the house, in the back, that led directly up to the third floor) was short and I began to climb the stairs slowly, not sure what to expect when I reached my own bedroom. Every step was cautious, as though I was waiting for something bad to happen. Nothing did, of course, but I still hesitated before opening the door to the bedroom I shared with Mary Anne.

She was reading when I opened the door. Her reading glasses were perched on her nose and her brown hair was bundled up in a loose bun on top of her head. She was wearing the dark green satin teddy that I had bought for her last summer with a pair of fuzzy gray slippers on her feet. She glanced up from her book when I entered the room and smiled.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"Hi," I replied. "How are you?"

"I'm doing good," she answered. She sat up and set the book on the nightstand, still leaving her glasses on. "How are you?"

"Good." I glanced around the room. This was awkward. I had hoped to avoid this, but maybe it just wasn't possible to avoid. "Listen, Mary Anne-"

"Wait," she interrupted quickly. "Let's not talk about this, all right? Can we just pretend it's just the two of us tonight? Can we just have a normal, regular night?" Her eyes searched my face pleadingly. "Please?"

I nodded and climbed onto the end of the bed. My weight sunk it down. "Yeah, I'd like that."

She patted the area of the bed that I normally slept in. "Come over here."

I obeyed. I crawled over and sat next to her, watching her face for whatever cues I could go on. Right now, she was easy to read. She smiled shyly.

"I've missed you," she told me quietly. I nodded. God, how I had been missing her. "I really have."

"I believe you, M-A," I replied. Her lips parted as though she was about to say something, but she remained silent. I studied her closely then swallowed. I didn't realized just how much I had missed her, up until right then. I reached out and touched her bottom lip with my thumb. Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment before she opened them wide to stare at me, her breathing quickly hastening. I heard a soft moan and realized a moment later that it was me. "I want you."

"I want you, too," she whispered.

I pressed my lips to hers hungrily and felt her press eagerly back. Her mouth opened to mine and my eyes fell shut as our tongues touched. I cradled the back of her head with my hand and rested the other on the bed for support. I crawled over her and she leaned back, resting on her elbows for support.

We parted for air and Mary Anne fell back against the pillows, away from me. I watched as her arms straightened out and her hands reached down to grasp my belt. Quickly, I began to cover her throat in feather light kisses as she began to undo the latch on my belt and followed by unzipping my pants.

"Mary Anne," I moaned softly.

She arched her back as I cupped her breast through the thin fabric of her teddy. Her hands stumbled in their task of bringing my pants down and I smiled against her throat. I squeezed and she gave a small gasp.

"Logan," she whimpered. "_No._"

I immediately brought my face up to hers and moved my hands to smooth the hair around her face.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"I… I'm all right," she said in a shaking voice. "Keep going. I want to keep going."

"Are you sure?"

She answered with a deep kiss, bringing her hands up to lace her fingers into my hair. She didn't release me until my head was spinning from the lack of air and I grinned down at her.

"Just tell me if we need to stop," I told her. "All right?"

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

After that, we managed to make relatively quick work of my clothes and her white cotton panties. She had seemed a little nervous about removing the teddy, so we both wordlessly agreed that it should be left on. Then there we both lie, me hesitating above her body as she suddenly began to tremble.

"Baby, we don't have to do this," I whispered. "It's all right."

"It's not all right," she hissed angrily. I winced. "It's not all right, Logan. It's not all right that this is happening."

"Honey, I know, but I don't think you should push yourself too fast." I started to roll over but she grabbed my arm and held on firmly. I looked down into her eyes and was surprised by the fierce expression in them.

"I want to do this. I don't care," she said. "I need to do this, Logan. Please."

She ground her hips up against me and I couldn't help but groan in response. I closed my eyes and nodded.

"I'll go slowly, all right?"

"Yes," she agreed.

Using my hand to help guide me, I lined myself up against her warm body and felt another tremor rush through her. I almost pulled back and refused to do what we both needed, but I managed to convince myself that this was what Mary Anne really was ready for, whether or not I wanted to accept it.

I pushed in slowly, pausing whenever she let out a whimper or moan of pain. I opened my eyes and could tell that she was frightened at the same time that she was desperately needing me by the strange emotions crossing over her beautiful face. I stroked her cheek and eventually was all the way in. Mary Anne clutched at my wrist and stared up at me.

"We need to change position," she whispered. "I… don't pin…"

I immediately understood and wrapped one arm underneath her back and used the other to push myself up until I was resting on my knees with my butt on the heels of my feet. Mary Anne wrapped her legs around me and rested her hands on my shoulders. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

"I'm ready now," she managed to whisper. "I'm ready."

I nodded and we slowly began to move. After a minute or so, Mary Anne's eyes fell shut, her mouth opened slightly, and her head tilted back a little. Unable to resist the clean line of her neck, I began pressing kisses to her throat. She moaned and tilted her head back further to allow me more access. I kissed and licked gently from her throat down to her collarbone, reveling in the taste of her. I had missed this taste. It had only been months, but it felt like decades since I had been this close, this entirely intimate, with her.

"Mary Anne," I murmured against her skin. She nodded and brought her chin back down towards her chest. She threaded her fingers into my hair.

"I love you," she said quietly. "Oh, Logan… Logan, I love you…"

I kissed her deeply in response and began to increase my speed. She gasped into my mouth which ordinarily would've only sped me up more; since I was hyper cautious and on the lookout for any sign of danger, I restrained myself. I knew that the very worst thing that I could do right now was betray her trust in some way. Whether that be by moving too quickly or just not sensing any sign that she was starting to feel panic or fear, it didn't matter. All I knew was that I needed to make this as pleasant and as meaningful an experience for her as possible. Already, it was turning out to be both without much effort on my part.

We continued to move like this for a long time, slowly increasing our speed until we were moving fast enough that we were both breathing hard and clutching at one another for support. There was a thin sheen of sweat on both of our bodies and Mary Anne's hair was damp with it. I could feel myself building to an end and tried to focus myself on her.

I didn't want to finish too far before she did; in fact, I wanted to try and finish at the same time as she did. Stacey and I had climaxed at the same time as one another many times, but Mary Anne and I never seemed to line up. It was something of a mystery to us, something that we had jokingly tried to fix before the rape. Back then, sex could be a joke- now, for a long time, at least, I don't think that it could be.

Mary Anne's breath hitched in her throat and her body grew stiff. Her eyes fluttered back open and she stared into mine with urgency.

"Logan, _oh!_ God, Logan, _please_," she begged. I began raining kisses down on her cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, anything on her face I could get. She dropped her hands from my hair down to wrap around my back. I could feel her holding onto me with a desperate cling. "Please, God. _Oh!_"

Her urgent begging broke my self-control. Unable to help myself, I moved upwards faster and harder, pressing against her body with every thrust. I closed my eyes tightly shut and lost myself in the moment.

I heard myself cry out her name before I collapsed backwards, completely spent.

A few moments later, I found myself able to refocus my mind and looked up at the woman resting on my chest. Her brown hair had fallen around her face, sticking to her cheeks and neck in places. Her own chest was heaving from effort and her brown eyes were shielded by her lightly brown shadowed eyelids. Her eyelashes were long and resting on her flushed cheeks. I reached up and touched one of those cheeks. Her eyes opened slowly.

"Mary Anne?" She nodded slowly. "Are you… all right?" She nodded again then bent down to kiss me.

"Thank you," she murmured against my lips. "I missed you so much."

I wrapped my arms around her in a protective hug and kissed her back. "I love you, M-A."


	15. Falling Together

**Chapter Fifteen: Falling Together**

_Stacey_

_April 13_

_Dear Diary,_

_It's been an awfully long time since the last time I wrote in here, I know. I apologize. It's been hellishly busy and crazy around here. Everything has been up in the air and spinning, it's been so wild. I'm surprised that I even have enough time to write in here today. I know that Mary Anne wants to talk to me today (!!!!) so I may have even less time than I think I do and might be wasting valuable time scribbling away in my diary. Oh, well. Besides, if I'm going to be writing in my diary, I might as well be writing things of a substantial nature instead of just writing silly little stuff like the past paragraph._

_So, Mary Anne and Logan have made up. Logan told me (Mary Anne, I think, is still angry with me) and, anyways, I can see it in their eyes when they look at one another. It's so gooey, I'm afraid to walk between them for fear of getting stuck like a fly on fly paper. Hmmm… maybe that's a bad example. I ought not to compare myself to an annoying insect, given what I've been doing the past few months. The comparison isn't that far off, in my opinion. _

_Anyways, you know what I mean, diary. They just seem so happy with one another again, though sometimes, when Mary Anne looks away, she seems so sad that it would break my heart. I know that she is still heartbroken that he cheated on her with me (__her best friend__, of all people), but I hope that the pain will pass because it hurts me, too, to see her look so sad and so heartbroken. I know I helped to cause that pain, so maybe it's selfish of me to want her to get over it so that I don't have to feel bad when I see her looking like that._

_Logan and I are still together; I was so scared of being broken apart. I was convinced that Mary Anne was going to tell Logan that the only way that the two of them could be together was if I were out of the picture and he would go ahead and dump me. I was __so__ scared. Turns out, though, that Mary Anne told him that she wanted to work out some kind of relationship between the three of us. Now, I'm not really sure what to make of that because, frankly, I have no idea what a relationship between three people would look like. I've only got that show about polygamists (_Big Love_, I think it's called) in my head and I don't know if that's what Mary Anne is suggesting. I don't know if I would want that, as much as I want to be with Logan. Correction: as much as I __need__ to be with Logan. _

_God, but I'm scared. Even though Logan and I are still together, I am worried about something. I am worried about the balance between the three of us. If there really is a three-way relationship going on, Mary Anne definitely has the stronger link to Logan's heart. They have been together for so long that it just seems like nothing I could ever do would make me as endeared to him as she is. I feel like there's this very delicate balance going on right now and I'm afraid that one false move on my part will bring it crashing all down around my ears. Worst of all, it'll mean that I'll be out of his life for good and Mary Anne's, too. After all, she __is__ my best friend. I don't want to lose either of them, so I have to be careful and watch every little move that I make. I just don't want something tragic and irreversible to happen._

_God, I guess that I'm just worried that once their relationship is stronger that I'll start being shut out. That Logan will realize that he doesn't need me anymore. I don't know if I could live through that. Maybe I __am__ too melodramatic, but I'm scared, Diary. The last thing I want is for Logan and Mary Anne to be apart, but the second to last thing I want is for __Logan and I__ to be apart. I want him to be happy, but I'm selfish. I __need__ to be happy, too._

_Oh, Diary. What am I going to do?_

**

* * *

**I was sitting outside in the garden, watching the birds and the butterflies go about their business. It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and the soft spring sunlight was breaking through the new leaves onto the duck pond in pretty, sparkling patterns. The few animals that we did own (some ducks, a couple of geese, a goat named Sally, and a fat pony named Eileen) were moving around the yard slowly as if they could tell that it was a lazy afternoon, meant for quiet and rest. I rested my cheek against the wooden beam of the rocker and sighed with contentment.

I must've dozed off because it seemed like only moments later when a gentle hand was shaking my shoulder. I blinked several times, trying to wake myself up.

"Stace? You awake?"

I finally was able to focus on Mary Anne's face. "Yeah. Wow, how long was I asleep?"

She smiled gently. "You've been out here for more than an hour. I came out to check on you."

I stretched my body out as she sat down next to me. She was wearing a light green dress with a long gray sweater over the top. She placed her hands in the pockets of the sweater and leaned back.

"I didn't realize that I was so _tired_," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to see if you were OK," she replied. Her hair suddenly whipped around her face with a gust of wind and I grinned. She sighed and tried to brush her hair away from her face. Luckily, my hair was secured at the nape of my neck with a tight black hair tie. "Stupid wind."

"That's why I put mine up," I told her. "Less hassle."

"Well, I like mine down," she answered. She looked out towards the duck pond. "I need to talk to you, Stace."

I felt my stomach sink. "About what?"

"About us. You, me, and Logan."

So, she really did consider it to be a three-way relationship now. I wondered just how much she was factoring me into the equation, though. How much did I really count in her eyes? Was I just an obstacle that could eventually be overcome or was I someone who she was willing to make a relationship work with?

Did I even want that?

"Wait," I said quickly. "I have to ask you something first." Mary Anne paused for a moment before nodding slowly. "I need to know and I need you to be totally honest here. _How_ can you be OK with me and Logan still being together? Doesn't that bother you?"

Mary Anne nodded.

"It does," she answered. "I keep trying to make myself say that it won't, but every time I really think about it, it hurts. I mean, he _cheated_ on me with you and now he still needs to be with you. The logical part of me is screaming that I should force him to dump you or dump him myself." She cringed. "But, I feel like he's my _soulmate_, Stacey. How do you dump your soulmate?"

I shook my head, feeling miserable. "I'm so sorry. We never should've been together."

"No, you _shouldn't_ have," Mary Anne snapped then sighed and looked at me. "I'm sorry, Stacey. I know why it happened."

"Doesn't make it right," I mumbled.

"No."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of the backyard brimming with life all around us. I closed my eyes again, but was careful not to fall asleep. What _else_ could I possibly do to make Mary Anne hate me more than she already did? Finally, I cleared my throat.

"Mary Anne, I'm afraid."

"I know you are," she answered, almost wearily. "I am, too."

"Wait, you know? And, you are?"

She glanced at me with her big brown eyes and nodded. "Of course, Stacey. We're obviously both still freaked out about Teddy and we're going to be until the son of a bitch is caught." She rubbed my arm. "I know that."

I blushed a little. "Oh. Well, I am still scared of that, but that wasn't exactly what I was talking about."

She looked embarrassed. "No?"

I shook my head. "I was talking about me and Logan. I'm scared that… that once you guys get closer, he's not going to want me around anymore," I confessed. I looked down at the ground. My resolve was melting fast and I was going to have to talk fast if I wanted to say what I had to before it was gone completely. "That he's going to realize that you're the only girl he really wants and then he'll boot me out."

When I looked back up, I found that I couldn't really read the expression on Mary Anne's face. "Stacey… I don't think that's going to happen," she said tensely. "He loves you. It really hurts me to say this because I do want him to myself, but he really does love you. I don't think he's just going to give you up."

"You really think so?" I asked, not caring about her pain in my own sudden thrill that she was telling me that Logan loved me. "You really think that he loves me?"

"_Of course_," Mary Anne snapped again and this time there was real heat behind her words. I jerked back, away from her, and waited for her to apologize. She didn't. "Listen, Stacey. I know that you're having some real confidence issues right now, especially involving Logan and me, but I can only tell you these things so many times, all right? Don't you understand that it hurts me to have to keep telling you that he loves you when he's _my_ soulmate? When he's the only man that I have ever _truly_ loved? He's the man of my dreams and he _cheated_ on me and now the _other woman_ wants to be comforted and told that _my_ Logan still loves her." She paused and her glare could almost have burned the air between us. "Do you have _any_ idea what that feels like? Best friend or not? Situation being what it is or not?"

I bit my lip. I would not cry. Mary Anne was not going to take to tears lightly, I could tell. I glanced away from her.

"I don't know how many times you want me to say I'm sorry, but I will," I whispered. "And, I'll stop, I really will. It's just… I thought you'd understand."

"Oh, I do. Too much. That's why you can't keep asking me these things, Stace." _Thank God_; my nickname. She was calming down.

"I won't," I promised urgently.

Mary Anne rubbed her forehead like she had a bad headache. Maybe she did.

"This isn't something that I necessarily _want_ to do, Stacey," she began softly, but without the heat or anger of before. She seemed almost drained now. "It's something that I _have_ to do. It's something that I need to learn how to accept because it's not going to go away, no matter how hard I wish that it would. I have to accept it."

I felt relief wash through me. Though it was difficult for Mary Anne to say these things, it was music for my ears. She was going to "accept" this! She was stronger and more, well, accepting than I thought she was. Oh, sure, people could say that she was an idiot to have the wool pulled over her eyes, but I was making no attempt to hide anything from her. Everything, every thought, every fear, every intention I had, I planned on telling her immediately, just so that this way our strange new relationship could work. So that we could both keep Logan without either of us having to suffer the pain of losing him. Maybe we didn't want to share him (yet… who knew in the future what it might be like), but our desire to keep him was forcing us together in a way we would've never dreamed possible.

I couldn't imagine it was possible. I pinched myself and grimaced. Mary Anne noticed.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," I told her. "I just pinched myself. I just can't believe this is happening."

"Me either," she said with a lot less enthusiasm.

I looked at her for a long moment, gauging my next question against how I perceived her mood. "Mary Anne, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did," she answered dryly.

"Oh, ha ha," I replied, just as dryly. She smiled a little. "No, seriously. I want to know why you're letting Logan be with me. And, don't say that you _can't_ stop him because we both know that you can. I want to know _why_ you're letting him stay with me and why you're not just snatching him back for yourself."

"Do you know what it's like to see someone you really love unhappy, Stacey?" she asked quietly. I nodded. That's how Logan and I had come to be together, after all. "Well, then you know what it's like to feel that same pain that they feel. All you want to do is see that smile on their face because you know that when you do, that smile will be like your sun and light again. I just… I couldn't bear to know that I was the one who would make him unhappy. Worse yet, to make him miserable. That pain would be worse than any other pain that I can ever imagine."

I swallowed. I thought I could understand where she was coming from.

"Stace, I just can't bear the thought of making him unhappy, even for a little while. Do you understand?"

I nodded obediently.

Mary Anne sighed and shook her head. "He's found love with another woman and yet he still loves me. Where is the fairness in that? I don't even have the right to slap him across the face and move on because he sincerely still loves me and wants to be with me and I feel the exactly same way." She ran her fingers through her hair and coughed. She was silent for so long that I shifted my weight uncomfortably and cleared my throat. Mary Anne blinked and went on. "So, if he has found love with two women then the only thing that I can do is to make it work. For him. I have to try my best to make this work because I love him and I can't bear to hurt him." She laughed. "It'd be so much easier if he just wanted to get a puppy."

I chuckled. "Yeah, but think of all the animal rights' activists knocking down your door."

"Ew, Stace, I wasn't even _thinking_ like that," Mary Anne groaned and playfully shoved my shoulder. I shoved her back and we both smiled at one another.

"What about _us_?" I asked her.

"Us?"

"You and me. Me and you. Are we going to be best friends ever again?" I asked.

Mary Anne shook her head and I felt my heart sink. "No," she said. "No, I think we're going to be so much more than just plain old best friends."

**

* * *

**

We were eating dinner around six-thirty that night. At our dining table, Kaylee sat next to me; she was very intent on being next to me all the time. Perhaps she was developing a sort of little-girl-crush on me. I hid a smile in my napkin. That last time that happened, it had been with Charlotte and it had taken her until she was nearly sixteen to outgrow her "crush" on me. Up until then, Charlotte had completely adored me and listened to everything I said as if I were a goddess speaking.

Claudia sat on Kaylee's other side and Jack beside Claudia. Logan sat at the head of the table and Mary Anne sat on his other side. I sat next to her. Sometimes, I liked to pretend that Logan was a king presiding over a royal meal with his two ladies and his most trusted knight and the knight's family instead of just our two families having pasta or meatloaf at six-thirty in the evening. It was far more romantic the other way and, besides, I got to call myself Lady Anastasia Elizabeth in my head.

Tonight we were eating whole wheat pasta (something that was easier and better for me to eat with my diabetes) with red sauce and meatballs. We had defrosted a container of frozen peas and carrots along with a can of beets (Jack loved beets) and I was eating lots of the veggies and ignoring the beautiful smelling homemade bread that Mary Anne and Kaylee had baked together.

Kaylee nudged my arm.

"Look, Stacey! Jack's going to slurp down another one of those nasty beets," she stage-whispered. Jack's eyes flickered over to us and he theatrically slurped down the said beets. Kaylee moaned in horrified disgust and Claudia thumped him on the arm.

"Why do you encourage her?"

He shrugged. "Because it's funny to watch her squirm?"

"Well, stop it," Claud replied, but with no particular malice behind the command. She glanced at me and shrugged as if to say "what are you going to do?"

Mary Anne cleared her throat and I looked over at her with a smile on my face. The moment I saw the serious expression on hers, I felt like my smile melted off. I swallowed tightly and glanced at Logan.

"Claudia, Jack, I felt that it was time that we told you something important."

_Oh no no no no._

I shook my head at her, but Mary Anne ignored me. She even ignored the hand Logan placed over hers, hoping to stop her from speaking.

"It hasn't been going on for very long, but you two are our dearest friends, so I figured that we ought to tell you guys before we told anyone else." She paused and Claudia looked at Logan expectantly.

"What is it? You're not pregnant, are you, Mary Anne?"

"What?" Mary Anne exclaimed with a bit of a laugh. "Oh, no, of course not. No." She glanced over at me and held my gaze meaningfully. I flushed. "But, our relationship has changed. It's no longer just Logan and I in our relationship now. We, both of us, have agreed to let Stacey into our relationship so that we're kind of a trio, I guess."

Claudia shook her head and Jack turned to Kaylee.

"Go to your room," he said in a voice barely containing anger. Kaylee stared at him then gestured to her half full plate.

"I'm not done eating, Jack," she said. "Let me finish."

"Go!" he barked and the girl jumped.

Claudia put a hand on his arm to steady him and Kaylee leapt from the table with tears in her eyes, leaving her plate behind her. She raced for her room and nobody said anything to her about clearing her place. I stared down resolutely at my own plate, wishing I could sink into the ground. I could almost feel Mary Anne flinch and Logan's hand tighten protectively as Kaylee's door slammed shut.

"Why?" Claudia asked, her voice the furthest from friendly that I had heard it in years. I chanced a peek up, still too worried to look Claudia or Jack full in the face. I was smart. Claudia's returning look was withering.

"Blame me," Logan said quickly, turning Claudia's attention from me to him. I licked my lips and sighed. "Stacey and I became… involved and we didn't get out of it soon enough. Not before it could hurt everyone involved. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love with Stacey and was still in love with Mary Anne."

Claudia shook her head, her lips pursed with disgust. "Mary Anne, how are you letting this happen?"

"Because I love him," she said quietly. "Because he loves Stacey now, too. I couldn't make him choose and if that makes me a bad person, too, then so be it. I just can't make him choose."

"Don't you worry about what other people are going to say?" Jack asked. "Don't you care that you won't ever be able to enjoy a real, intimate relationship with Logan now that Stacey's in the picture?"

I began to cry silently.

"I love Stacey like a sister," Mary Anne hissed, suddenly angry. I felt her hand catch my shoulder and squeeze. "I am willing to love her more than even that because she is important to who we all are now."

"I don't know if I could ever do that," Claudia said softly. I glanced at her and was relieved to see that her face had softened considerably. She touched my hand. "This is crazy, Stacey. You know that, right?"

I laughed through my tears. "I know."

"I only want you to be happy," Claudia said quietly. She studied my face. I nodded.

"Logan _loves_ me," I told her as though it were just the two of us talking, girl to girl. "We're going to make this work."

"Well, forgive me if I think this is all going to end in disaster," Jack said tightly and stood up. "Claudia, I'll be in the apartment when you're done."

We all watched in silence as he picked up his dinner plate and took it into the kitchen to clear it off. When he returned to walk through the small dining room to the living room, he brushed Claudia's shoulders with his fingertips then left without a word. I wiped my eyes and swallowed. Logan looked a little shell shocked and Mary Anne's face was red. Claudia squeezed my hand.

"Just give him some time to cool down," she said to all three of us. "You know how he usually is. This is just such a surprise for, that's all. He'll get over it."

"What if he doesn't?" Logan asked tightly.

Claudia nodded. "Don't worry, guys. He'll get over it."

**

* * *

**

A little while later, I was upstairs in my bedroom, running the vacuum cleaner over my carpet, which hadn't been cleaned in weeks. I smiled in satisfaction at the way the blue-gray carpet began to grow more and more clean. It started to smell less and less like dirty old socks, too. Normally, I wasn't much for housework, but after that conversation at dinner, my nerves were twitching and I was looking desperately for something to keep my hands busy. I was so deep in thought that I screamed in surprise when Mary Anne popped into my eyesight.

I turned off the vacuum cleaner quickly and stared at her, my heart pounding hard in my chest. She sighed.

"Relax," she murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, stop it. I'm not _that_ high strung."

"You were just here for the last several moments, right?"

"What do you want?" I asked warily. I was growing tired of everything, too. Maybe it was depression. I didn't know.

"Are you really in the mood to be cleaning?" she said conversationally as she sat down on the edge of my unmade bed. I shrugged.

"I feel antsy. I just…" I thought for a moment and a smile crept to my face. Mary Anne smiled back.

"What?" she asked like a kid inquiring about a juicy secret. I licked my lower lip.

"I just thought of a much more interesting way to keep my hands busy," I said. "It involves a little bit of wine and a lot of Logan."

Mary Anne laughed loudly. "I was actually kind of thinking the same thing."

My breath came up short in my throat. "What?"

"Listen before you go nuts," she said quickly. "I was just thinking that we should try this as a sort of initiation." She frowned and shook her head. "No, that's a really bad word for it. I can't think of a good one, Stace, but you know what I'm talking about. I want to do something to officially start this relationship." She paused. "Consummate it. There, _that's_ a good word. I want the three of us to consummate our relationship. What do you think?"

I sat down heavily on the bed beside her. I shook my head.

"I don't know _what_ to think. Didn't you _just_ say that you _didn't_ want to do something like this right away?" I asked her, feeling very confused and not liking it one bit. Mary Anne brushed a lock of her thick brown hair back behind her ear.

"Not between the two of us, no. I am definitely not ready for anything like that. But, if we could set some ground rules first like we're only going to touch Logan and not one another, I think that it could work."

I reached out and held her hand. It was trembling.

"Are you sure you aren't moving too fast?" I asked her honestly. Mary Anne's eyes filled with tears and she quickly looked to the floor.

"I don't know what you mean," she said, her voice shaky. I pressed my free hand against the other side of her hand.

"Mary Anne, you were just raped," I reminded her as gently as I could. "Are you sure you want to be rushing into trying all of these new sexual things just because you think it will make Logan happy? Or me? Or even _you_, Mary Anne? Because, I'm kind of freaked out by the whole idea of more than just Logan seeing me naked and I was abused years ago. It was only-"

"I get it," she snapped. "You don't want to do it. You could just say that you don't want to do it."

I tried hard not to sigh. "No, Mary Anne, you know that's not what I'm trying to say to you. I'm just worried. I don't want you to be rushing yourself. You're only going to get hurt."

"Because suddenly you're an expert," she spat angrily. Her body was tense on the bed beside me and I did not like the path we were headed down. I reached for her hand and she pulled it away. "I'm the one with the degree in this kind of thing, Stace. You think just because some guy is in love with you that you know everything. Get over yourself."

"Calm down, Mary Anne," was all I could say. I wanted to yell right back at her, but I knew what she was doing. Hadn't I done it millions of times to my own mother? Hadn't I reached out then lashed out tooth and nail when the response wasn't precisely what I wanted? I still did, though not as much, but it did give me the chance to see what she was doing. "Please, honey."

"Shut up, Stacey." She stood up and began pacing back and forth quickly. "I knew this was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have let this happen. You're going to make sure that he never listens to another word I say, aren't you? You're going to poison him against me, aren't you?"

"Mary Anne, no!"

"You won't even let me have an idea without making it sound like it's just because of the rape. Like I'm some messed up _sex freak_ or something."

I stood up quickly and followed her to the door. I reached for and caught her hand. Mary Anne swung around with an outraged look on her face then swung her other hand faster than I could see.

I reeled back, hand to my stinging cheek. My mouth opened in shock as I stared at her fuming face. Suddenly, Logan's face appeared over her shoulder.

"What's going on in here?" he demanded, pushing past Mary Anne to check on my cheek. I let him look and didn't flinch as he prodded the tender skin. Mary Anne looked on with an unreadable expression. Her hands were clenching in and out of fists and her entire body was shaking.

"Nothing," I whispered finally, pulling away. "We were just having an argument."

"With your fists?" he asked.

It was then that Mary Anne dissolved into wrenching tears. Her knees gave way and Logan just barely managed to catch her, sinking to the ground along with her. His right leg tucked up underneath her body while his left leg lay straight on the ground. I knelt down beside Mary Anne, who was weeping miserably; not trying to hide her face or cling to Logan like she usually did when she was crying. I felt my heart break.

"Mary Anne…" I whispered. She hiccoughed and began to choke. Logan patted her back and I grasped her hand tightly. Gradually, she calmed a little.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered. Logan took her forehead and pushed her back against the hard shelf that was his chest. She lay rigid against him for a moment then relaxed, slipping her small hand into his large one. I squeezed the hand that I was holding and shook my head.

"It's all right, Mary Anne. I forgive you."

"No, don't."

I looked into her hurting eyes. "Let's call it even, then, hm?" I asked, hoping for a smile, at least. She looked away.

"You're right, Stace. I can't do this. I'm not ready."

_I knew it!_ that nasty little voice in my head shrieked. It had been silent for so long that I nearly flinched to hear it in my head again.

"It doesn't matter who is right," I replied softly.

"What are you talking about?" Logan asked.

"_Sex_," Mary Anne said bluntly. "I… I just _can't_."

He paled visibly. "I didn't force you to when we…"

She turned her head to press her cheek against his chest. "No, Logan. I wanted to… only, I wasn't ready. Not really. And, I tried to make Stacey do something that…" She squeezed her eyes shut tightly. "What's _wrong_ with me? Why am I turning into such a freaking mess?"

"Baby, you were raped," Logan murmured, brushing her hair through his fingers. "That doesn't just go away."

"But I felt so free when I was with you," she replied. I was beginning to feel left out of the conversation, but I didn't mind. "Like I had just said 'so there!' to Teddy Thomas and that everything was all better again. You know?"

"I can imagine," I murmured. Mary Anne opened her eyes to look at me like she had forgotten that I was there. I smiled wanly. "I mean, I wish there was some kind of magic word or something you could say or do and he'd be gone forever."

"I asked Stacey to have a threesome with us," Mary Anne said quickly. Logan's eyes flitted between me and her a couple of times before settling back on her.

"You want to do that?"

"I'm not ready." Her voice was small and frightened; a little girl's voice. Logan kissed her head and nodded. "I mean, yes, maybe. In the future, yeah. But, I thought that if I pushed things along, everything would just smooth out. The three of us, me, everything. Just a little while and everything would be good again."

I leaned over to kiss her cheek. "Don't worry about us. We'll work on it together. You don't need to hurt yourself over it."

"I wouldn't have hurt myself," she protested weakly.

"_Yes_, you would," I said firmly. "And you would've resented us for being there when you did."

Logan laughed. I stared at him.

"What could possibly be so funny?"

"You being such a little psychologist," he said with an adoring smile. I blushed then felt anger rise up in me.

"Well, I've had some experience with this, Logan. I know a thing or two about hating myself."

"I'm sorry," he replied softly and though I knew he was sincere, I still felt a little resentful. I refocused my attention onto Mary Anne. She was breathing through her mouth and had closed her eyes again. Her cheeks were bright pink from crying and she had red splotches around her eyes and mouth.

"Mary Anne, you don't need to do this," I told her. "You don't need to push yourself like this. In fact, you shouldn't do it."

"I just don't want to lose Logan," she whispered.

Logan looked like someone had stabbed him in the gut.

"_Really?_ You think if you don't force yourself to do all this crazy stuff that I'm going to leave you?" he asked quietly and with a hurt voice. Mary Anne nodded and he kissed her forehead. "No, honey, _no_. I would never leave you. Never."

"You already have!" she gasped. "You slept with Stacey! How do I know you won't really leave me if I can't keep you interested now?"

He hugged her tightly as though he was scared that she was going to run away from him and, unable to resist, I wrapped my arms around both of them. I let my own kisses rain down on Mary Anne's face as she wept. Logan began to cry, too and it was all I could do not to join them in their tears.

"I would never do that," he told her. "You have to believe me."

"I would never _let_ him," I said quickly.

Mary Anne opened her eyes and stared at me. "You have more control over this whole situation than any of us, Stacey. How can I trust you?"

I felt that same stab of hurt that Logan must've felt. I swallowed and looked down. I shook my head. "I don't know. I love you like you were my own sister, Mary Anne, but I haven't really given you any reason to trust me lately, have I?" I pulled away from them both. "I'm so sorry."

"No," she said and I looked back up in surprise. "Don't pull away. I'm just… I'm just so _scared_, Stace. I don't know what to do anymore. What am I supposed to _do?_"

I shook my head again. "If I knew that…"

Logan kissed Mary Anne's head again and she pulled away from him, off of his lap. He watched her go with that same hurt look on his face.

"I'm so thirsty," she whispered. She pulled her knees up to her chest and brought her forehead to rest on them. "Could someone make some tea?"

"I'll go," Logan said quickly and stood up before I had a chance to say anything to stop him. I watched him leave then sat in the quiet room with Mary Anne for a couple of minutes before speaking.

"Are you really scared of losing him?" I asked her quietly. "Because you know that I would leave him if I thought that he was going to break up with you."

"I'm scared of everything," she said. "I've been scared of everything since the rape. Teddy tore my whole world apart, Stace. It was bad enough trying to take care of you before he raped me. You know, when you would have the nightmares and everything? But now…

"I wonder if it just wouldn't have been easier on everybody if he had just killed me. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this. I wouldn't have to talk about this… or, rather, not talk about it. You know, I just can't seem to open my mouth about what he did to me. It's just so terrifying to even think about it; like, if I say anything at all, it'll bring him back."

I nodded though I knew she couldn't see me.

"He kind of takes over your whole world," I agreed. "I'm so sorry I let him get into your world."

She looked up. "It's not your fault. I'd love to blame someone, but it's not your fault."

"At least you think so."

We were quiet for a while longer. I thought I heard the sound of the tea kettle hissing downstairs. The thought of a warm mug of tea was a pleasing one. I caught one of Mary Anne's hands and laced my fingers with hers.

"How long is this going to take?" she asked softly. I shook my head. "I mean, until I'm better. Until I'm not scared of every single little shadow that goes by?"

"Mary Anne, I have no idea." I swallowed. "I'm still scared."

* * *

  
**Author's Note:**

For the time being, I will be concentrating all of my free writing time (which is very little since college commands much of me) on working on this story. Until _Beauty From Pain_ is completed, it is my top priority, fanfiction-wise. For those of you following the story, I hope you will be pleased to learn of this.


	16. Just One Chance

**Chapter Sixteen: Just One Chance**

_Teddy_

_April 19_

It was easy enough to find the phone number. After all, it was listed in the Stoneybrook phone book. I traced my finger down the names until I came to _Bruno, Logan_. I tapped it thoughtfully with an index finger whose nail had a thick layer of black grime underneath it. I wrote the number on a scrap of paper that I had brought down out of my room, circled it, folded it twice then stuffed the folded sheet of paper into the front pocket of my denim jeans. I stood up.

I was going to have to leave the hotel, climb into my car, and drive to the next town over from here, Springdale, to make the phone call. I was already in a town bordering Stoneybrook (Tallesville), but I wanted to put even more space between me and the pay phone I was planning on using so that I could continue to stay in the motel I was at for a while longer. I was growing tired of moving my things so much; most of me hated myself for putting myself in this position in the first place. Of course, the rest of me kept cheering me on, for the sake of winning Stacey.

It always fell back to her. My goddess.

I closed my eyes.

She would always look like the sweet, fresh-faced freshman straight from small-town America to me. I knew that she had grown up in New York City and had spent a lot of time there, even after her parents had split up, but there had been something so gentle and innocent about her the first time we met. It was amazing how she had managed to seemed so unguarded yet acted so worldly. I had fallen in love with her that first time.

I opened my eyes and sighed. Everything had become so twisted since then. Nothing was the way it should have been. I should have been together with Stacey by now and we should be planning a wedding or planning the birth of a child, not separated by everything because I was an idiot and ruined what we had.

Without a backward glance, I strode out of the hotel and to my car. It wasn't the same car that I had left my sister back at home with. No, _this_ was a piece of crap. I had paid $500 in cash for it and figured that as long as it was good enough to keep me one step ahead of everyone looking for me, it was good enough.

I drove to Springdale in silence. When I pulled up to the curb beside the payphone I was planning on using, I let the car hum and clatter beneath me for a few moments before turning it off. It was nearly ten thirty and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself by sitting in a running car late in the evening.

I turned off the car, opened the door by heaving my shoulder against it, and slipped out onto the road. I pocketed the keys as I walked around the front of the car and towards the payphone. It looked foreboding, wrapped in misty shadows. I ignored the atmosphere around me as best I could (I couldn't help but wonder if some thug was going to jump me while I was trying to make this phone call) and dug around in my pocket for the roll of quarters that I had put there before leaving the hotel. I pulled out a few and picked one up between my forefinger and thumb. I studied it for a moment then picked up the receiver and slid the coin into its slot.

The phone clicked and there was a dial tone. I quickly reached into my front pocket and pulled out the scrap of paper with the phone number on it. With a shaking finger, I dialed the number. I let out a shaky sigh as it began to ring.

"Hello?" a beloved and familiar voice answered the phone. My voice froze in my throat. "Hello? Who is this?" She paused. "I'm going to hang up."

"No!" I said quickly. "No, don't hang up."

Stacey was quiet for a moment. "Who is this?" she asked, her tone suggesting that she knew perfectly well who it was.

"It's me, Stacey. Teddy."

She moaned softly. "Teddy, _no_. Why are you calling me?"

"I had to hear your voice," I said softly. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cold metal pay phone. "I just… I wanted to hear you."

"Well, you've heard me," she said in a quiet, stunned voice. "I'm going to hang up now."

"Please, don't," I begged. "Please, just listen to me for a minute."

Stacey was silent. When she spoke, I could hear the tears that were forming in her eyes in the lump choking her throat. "One minute, Teddy. I shouldn't even be giving you that."

"You're an amazing woman," I said quickly. "After everything I've put you through, you still have the generosity to listen to me. That's one of the reasons I love you so much."

"You're not going to sweet talk me," she warned.

"No." I paused for a moment. "I want to apologize to you."

Stacey began to cry and my heart began to pound. Hard. I wanted nothing more than to be smoothing those tears away from her face. I pulled my head back from the phone and cupped my forehead with the hand not holding the receiver.

"Apologize?" she asked her voice cracking. "How _dare_ you!"

"Please, Stacey, I know that what I've done to you I can never take back. I know that I've probably ruined your life and I know that I messed up your friend Mary Anne's. I just… _God!_ I wish that I could take it all back. I wish that none of this had ever happened. But, since I can't take it back, I have to apologize for everything. I have to apologize to you and try to make things right."

"You can _never_ make things right," she whispered through her tears. "_Nothing_ you can say or do will ever make things right."

"I know!" I groaned. "God, I know, Stacey. But, I have to apologize. Right? That's the least I can do."

"The very least," she responded. "Teddy, don't call me again."

"There's more," I told her hurriedly. I could hear her sigh through the phone line. "Stacey, I know that I've been a monster. In fact, I think there's something truly wrong with me. There's this part of me that I can't control that hurts you and hurts other people. I would never want to hurt you."

Stacey began to cry again, but this time it was much harder. "Are you trying to say that it wasn't your fault that you beat up and raped Mary Anne?"

"No, it was my fault, but I couldn't control myself. It's like something else comes out entirely in those situations and just takes me over."

"Maybe you should have an exorcism," she replied bitterly.

"Honey- "

"Don't call me that!"

Silence.

"Stacey, I want a second chance. I know I don't deserve one, but I want a second chance nonetheless. I want to be with you."

"What do you honestly expect me to say?" she asked quietly. She sniffled.

"I want you to say yes," I told her, feeling raw and vulnerable. I bit down on my bottom lip as a long silence stretched between us.

"How can I, Teddy? Even if I could forgive you of the things you've done, I could never forget. Never." She took a deep breath. "Besides, I am in love with someone else, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to you."

"Who?" I asked, feeling like an arrow had struck my chest.

"Logan. Mary Anne's boyfriend."

"And Mary Anne is OK with that?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, she is. We both love him and he loves both of us." She laughed shortly. "You would never understand, Teddy."

I began to cry. I could help myself. I heard her crying worsen.

"I love you so much," I sobbed. "You're the only woman that I've ever loved and probably will be the only one I ever _will_ love. You're the light of my life."

"You have a funny way of showing it," Stacey wept. "If I'm so important to you, how come you hurt me like you did?"

"I don't know! God, please believe me! I would _never_ hurt you, Stacey."

"Stop it!" she screamed. "_Stop it!_"

"Stacey, please! _I love you!_ You have to give me another chance. I'll do anything you want, just please let me – "

"Get off the line, Stacey," a male voice suddenly growled. I froze. It must be Logan. There was a click and I moaned as I realized that I might not talk to Stacey again. "Thomas?"

"It's me, Logan," I said quietly. I wiped my cheeks free of tears. "Teddy."

"It's too bad that you're not here in person," Logan said. "I would've shot you on sight."

"I don't blame you," I replied. "I would do the same."

"Teddy, if you ever come near either of my girls again, I will make sure that you pay. And, I won't let any laws stand in my way of what I will do to you." There was a short pause. "I will make you suffer if you ever come near them again."

"Stacey isn't yours," I protested.

"She sure as hell isn't _yours_," Logan snapped. "She doesn't want anything to do with you. Move on. Forget about her. Find something to do with your life."

"You bastard," I growled. He would never understand what she meant to me. Never. "You think you know what this is that's going on between us, but you never will. Now, I am truly sorry that poor Mary Anne got hurt and I hope that she's healing –"

"Don't you even say her _name_," Logan warned. "Don't you dare even _think_ about her."

"That's fine. I just want a second chance with Stacey."

"Never going to happen. Don't call us again," he snarled then slammed the phone down. I winced at the loud noise.

I replaced the receiver a few moments later. It was impossible to tell how I felt. I was angry and upset that Logan had forbidden me from trying to make things right between Stacey and me. Yet I felt strangely numb at the same time. I couldn't believe that I had heard her voice; that I had made her cry again.

* * *

In a daze, I drove back to Tallesville. I let myself cry as I drove, hoping that I would get everything out while I was driving so that nobody at the small, seedy hotel I was staying at would even guess that everything was less than perfect.

However, instead of pulling off at the exit for the hotel, I drove on and got off a couple of exits later. There was a bar up there that served cheap beer and had a surprisingly nice selection of people who frequented it. It was an every-man's kind of bar where the people there were happy, middle-class, and tended to be very friendly. I felt I needed to be in a place where people felt bright and hopeful right now instead of being in some seedy, dark place where everyone was exchanging suspicious or lustful looks at one another. Maybe I could just play pool for a while and unwind before trying to get some sleep.

When I got there, I stayed in the car for a few minutes, breathing deeply and composing myself. I knew that I wasn't walking into the lion's den, but the conversation with Stacey then especially with Logan had left me shivering with adrenaline. I flexed my fingers around the steering wheel, feeling my heart pound in my chest. I felt strange and alert.

The bar was brightly lit and friendly. The bartender greeted me with a smile as I walked into the room. I shrugged off my jacket and tossed it over my arm. I walked casually over to the bar and ordered a Manhattan, straight up.

"Hey," a sweet voice said. I turned my head to see a small, pale girl with dark curly hair and bright blue eyes smiling at me. She lifted her own drink as the bartender handed me my drink. "What's your name?"

"Teddy," I replied, taking a sip of my drink. Her smile widened.

"Hi, Teddy. I'm Katie." She took a sip of her drink. "I don't think I've seen you around here."

"No, I've only been in here once or twice," I admitted.

"Well, it's a good thing you came tonight, huh?" she asked.

I studied her. She didn't look much like Stacey did, which I was beginning to think was a good thing. I had spent too much time with women who looked and spoke like my Stacey. I needed to either get away from her altogether or to have the actual woman that was haunting my dreams. This girl… she seemed alright.

"Do you want to go somewhere more private?" I asked her. Katie's eyes widened then she smiled shyly.

"I don't usually go back to guys' places. Especially ones that I've just met," she told me. I immediately found myself blushing.

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it," I replied. She laughed softly.

"I like you, though." I watched her closely and she nodded. "Yeah, I'd like to go somewhere. How about my place?"

I clinked my glass against hers. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

I moved my hand down the side of her body, resting my fingers around the trace of her slender hip. She looked up at me with those startling blue eyes and licked her lower lip. I bent down and kissed her, gradually increasing the depth and urgency of our kiss until she turned her head away, panting.

"Are you sure?" I heard myself asking her. The beast inside me roared to hear me ask her permission. It was something that I could take without asking, it urged. _Do what you want with her!_

"Come on," she replied, suddenly cupping me in her hand. I let out a startled gasp and found my hips bucking forward at her invitation. She laughed. "We have way too many clothes on, Teddy."

"Yeah, let's fix that," I said quickly, releasing my hold on her hip to pull my shirt over my head. I wasn't surprised to feel her hands working on my belt and eased quickly out of my pants. I yanked her skirt down and the girl squealed with laughter.

"Eager?"

I responded by kissing her hard on the mouth. Katie's fingers laced into my hair and we once more kissed until we were breathless. I laughed as I pulled back. Her big blue eyes followed the movement of my hands as I slipped out of my boxers, revealing my full erection. She grinned.

"Very eager," she confirmed for herself.

After a little more foreplay, I finally slipped myself into her warm body. She moaned and tilted her head back so that I could see the white line of her exposed neck. I kept a gentle, yet pleasing tempo even though I could hear it screaming at me to break her. Plunge right through her and don't even bother to listen to her screams. I closed my eyes tight and struggled to ignore it.

"Oh, Teddy! _Yes!_ Right _there_… oh, God, no, _there_… _Teddy!_"

The feeling of her body tightening and squeezing around me sent me immediately into release. I stiffened over her as she continued to cry out a litany of praise. Then, spent, I slumped down to her side, breathing heavily. Katie wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me tenderly. I nuzzled my head against her neck.

"You were so good," she whispered. I could hear the sleep coming on her fast. I smiled, feeling exhausted myself. "_So_ good, Teddy."

"You weren't bad yourself," I replied with a smile.

She stroked my hair lovingly. I closed my eyes and sighed. This finally felt right.

_

* * *

_

_"I feel horny, Thomas," a deep voice breathed into my ear._

_I was sitting down on my bunk, looking at the wall silently. A book was resting beside me, but I hadn't touched it for a while. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and turned my face slowly to look into Devon Sands' dark eyes. I swallowed._

_"Please, Devon… _not_ today," I pleaded, hearing the fear and disgust plain in my voice. "Not now."_

_A fist connected with my jaw and sent me sprawling onto the ground. I blinked my eyes, only in surprise. I was used to the pain; it barely even phased me anymore to be punched or hit. I was the cell block's personal punching bag. I looked up as Sands wrapped his hands around my waist and yanked me roughly to my knees. He smiled down at me._

_"How do you want it?" he asked, loosening the tie on his drawstring pants. "I'm thinking doggy-style today. What do you think?"_

_I simply shook my head and looked back down at the ground. Why was he trying to make it seem like I had a choice? I never had a choice anymore; the only thing I got to decide was how I was going to react while Sands was raping me or doing some other unspeakable sexual abuse to me. I could cry or just lie there silently, letting him do what he wanted to do with me. By now, it was easy just to be quiet._

_He walked quickly around behind me and slammed his fist into the space on my back between my shoulders. I fell onto my hands and knees hard and bit down on my tongue. The taste of blood was nauseating, but I didn't move or even try to spit it out as Sands pulled down my pants and boxers._

_"You know," he said conversationally as he pushed two fingers inside of me without warning, "I'm always amazed at how tight you are. Every time, too. It's like you want to stay a fresh, little virgin or something."_

_I closed my eyes and began to send up my usual string of desperate prayers. Anything to make him stop._

_He didn't, of course._

_I clenched my teeth together as Sands rammed inside of me, mercilessly, holding a clump of my hair so that my head was tilted back. I could feel the usual tearing and ripping as he penetrated me and knew that I was going to be shitting blood for the next few days. Then, he began to pound into me with a force that I had never experienced before._

_I tried to arch against him, trying to alleviate the pain that was new to me. Sands laughed quietly in between his hard breathing. My mouth fell open in pain and I felt my hands trying to clutch at the cement floor for support._

_"_Devon, please_," I gasped out, unable to stop myself._

_"More?" he laughed and my eyes snapped open in shock of the pain. _

_I began to cry and Sands just chuckled again and continued his torturing rhythm. After what seemed like years, he finally stiffened then slumped down on top of me, forcing me flat onto the ground. I let out a grunt of pain at the added weight on top of me, closing my eyes once more. I could feel my face heating with the usual shame that came after Sands "played" with me. He stroked the side of my face after a minute or so, the gesture so tender and gentle that it almost sent me into a fresh bout of tears. Instead, I bit down hard on my lower lip._

_"Don't cry, baby," he whispered, his voice loving. I gritted my teeth. "You're still my _most_ special little bitch."_

* * *

I woke up with a scream and heard a startled gasp beside me. I heard someone fumbling around in the darkness beside me and blind terror told me it was Devon Sands. I clenched my hands around the blankets and sheets over me and was surprised to see a pale, dark-haired girl staring back at me when a lamp flickered on.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice brimming with worry and concern. I felt myself relax slightly. "What happened?"

"Bad dream," I whispered through clenched teeth. The girl reached out and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"You scared me," she admitted. "God, what am I saying? Are you all right? What was it?"

I debated for a moment then sighed. "A kind of flashback nightmare."

"About what?" she pressed. One of her hands came up and began to smooth the hair away from my face. I closed my eyes at her warm, gentle touch. "What did you dream about?"

"I was raped when… when I was a kid." I decided not to tell her about being in jail. It would just make things awkward. "Over and over again."

"God, that's terrible," Katie breathed. She kissed my cheek. "I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said automatically. Jennifer had said the same thing when I had told her about the rape when I was in jail. "You didn't do anything."

"No, I mean, I'm so sorry that it happened," she said softly. I opened my eyes to stare at her. "You're shaking so hard, Teddy."

I could feel the tremors wracking my body and focused on calming myself. I wasn't in jail anymore; I was being held by a beautiful, sexy woman. I felt myself begin to relax against her warm body.

"I just… Katie, it's so…" I didn't know what to say.

"Shh," she whispered, pressing her lips softly against the side of my face. I closed my eyes. "You don't have to explain anything, Teddy."

"I know, I just… I'm really sorry about this…"

Her lips pressed hard against my cheek then were on my lips once more. I stayed still, trying to sort out the difference between her lips and his. Gradually, though, I relaxed and kissed her back.

"Don't be sorry," she murmured, her lips moving against mine. She pulled away from me and studied my face for a long moment. "Nothing's your fault."

I fought down the wave of guilt as she nestled her head against the side of my neck. I wanted to tell that wasn't entirely true, but I didn't have the heart. Instead, I squeezed her gently against myself and focused on the feel of her breathing against my side.

"Let's go back to sleep," she suggested in a tired, but comforting voice. I nodded.

"Yeah, sorry I woke you up."

"Stop saying sorry," she replied. "Come on. Lay down."

I didn't resist as she pulled me back down against the bed. I let my head fall back against the pillow and opened my eyes so that I could see her before she turned off the light. Katie smiled gently at me before twisting the knob. She tucked herself close to my body once more and I sighed with something like relief.

"Goodnight, Teddy."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
**Hello everyone! I know that this story has been taking me ages to write and I am grateful to everyone who has stuck with me and continues to read this story. I want you to know how important you and your comments are to me. Thank you.


	17. Explosion

**Chapter Seventeen: Explosion**

_Logan_

_April 25_

I closed my eyes and let the hot water run down the top of my head, down my back. It wasn't terribly early, probably about seven-thirty in the morning, but I felt exhausted. Mary Anne and I had spent the past week calming the screaming nightmares that had popped up since Stacey had received that phone call from Teddy Thomas. At first she had several a night and had even given poor little Kaylee, who could hear her from the downstairs apartment, a couple of her own nightmares from being awakened with screaming. So, Mary Anne and I had taken turns spending the night with Stacey, in her bed, holding her and soothing her tears after she had another nightmare. Last night was my night again.

I heard the door open to the bathroom and opened my eyes.

"It's just me," Mary Anne said just loud enough to be heard over the pouring water. "I have to do some things in here before I head off to Kristy's. You know, I have to baby-sit for eight kids today since Kristy's parents are in Hartford for the long weekend. They left Andrew, Emily Michelle, and Grace over at Kristy's. I guess Andrew was pretty annoyed about the whole thing since he is fifteen and wanted to be left at home with David Michael, Benny, and Karen. But, to be fair, Andrew and Emily Michelle are getting paid this week to help watch over Kristy's kids."

I squirted a blob of shampoo onto my hand. "So, why don't _they_ watch the kids? Andrew and Emily Michelle are good with the kids."

"Well," Mary Anne replied, "I guess that Kristy just wants an adult around to watch over everything, especially with baby Charlie in the house. I mean, they will be gone the whole day today then Kristy is leaving for an overnight with one of her friends from college while Pete has to work this weekend. I mean, Kristy and Pete will be close by, but they just wanted to make sure that another adult was in on the whole mix."

"I would've just left them with Karen and her brothers," I told her. "It's way too complicated this way."

"Well, I think Elizabeth and Watson wanted the three oldest kids to have some free time by themselves this weekend. I mean, they will be heading off to college in the fall; it's nice for them to have some parent-free time to start to warm up to the idea."

"Don't you think it's funny that Karen and David Michael are both going to the same college?" I asked. "And, that Benny's college is only twenty minutes away from theirs?"

"Those three are about as close as any three kids that I've ever seen," she admitted. I could hear the sink water running and knew that she was pausing to brush her teeth. "I mean, they're so much closer than I ever was even with Dawn."

"Well, Dawn flopped back and forth between here and California."

"Still, Dawn and I were best friends. I don't know… I just think it's funny how close the three of them are." There came the sound of some quick, hard brushing. "Maybe it's different when you grow up together and see each other every single day."

"Yeah," I replied, thinking about my own siblings. "I ought to call my brother and sister. Or my mom. See how everyone is doing."

"That's a good idea," Mary Anne said thoughtfully. "I should check in with Dawn and Jeff."

The door opened and closed again quickly. I heard Mary Anne set down her toothbrush and heard the familiar sound of her brushing out her hair. I almost jumped when the shower curtain swept aside enough for Stacey to slide into the shower. I smiled at her. She had a thick gray towel wrapped around her. She wiggled her eyebrows and let the towel drop to the ground.

"Good morning," she said in a sexy, just woken up voice. I swallowed and looked her up and down appreciatively.

"Good morning yourself. What did I do to deserve this little surprise?"

"Well, you're about to earn it," she replied. She stepped up close to me and the spray of the water misted the skin on her face and chest. I felt myself harden in anticipation. "What do you say to that?"

I replied by cupping her face in my hands and pressing a hard kiss down onto her lips. Stacey immediately swept her hands into my wet hair and I felt myself back her up against the wall. She let out a muffled "oof" and giggled.

There was a loud slam of plastic hitting the porcelain sink. We both froze as I head Mary Anne let out an annoyed huff before jerking the door open and slamming it behind her. Stacey looked up at me with big, baffled eyes.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. Stacey pushed me back away from her gently.

"I'll go talk to her," she said. I caught her hand.

"No, let me. I have a feeling that it's me who's in the doghouse again," I said, not sure whether to be concerned about Mary Anne or just to feel annoyed.

I ducked out of the shower, leaving it running as Stacey stood under the hot spray, and wrapped a clean, white towel around my waist, tucking it in to make sure that it didn't fall down. I walked out of the bathroom and out of our bedroom, following Mary Anne downstairs even though I was dripping wet and still had shampoo in my hair.

"Mary Anne," I called out, taking the stairs two at a time. When I reached the bottom, Mary Anne was pulling her hair into a ponytail. She was already wearing her light, warm-weather denim jacket and her pink and gray sneakers. She looked at me with a kind of anger in her eyes. "Whoa. What is going on?"

"Nothing, Logan," she sighed. "I just have a big day to deal with."

"Yeah, but why did you storm out all of a sudden when Stacey came into the bathroom?" I asked. Mary Anne rolled her eyes. "Are you angry with her?"

"I don't really want to talk about it, all right?" she said, acting like she was already drained from talking with me.

"Mary Anne…"

"Gotta go," she replied quickly and swung her backpack onto her back. "I don't want to be late."

"Well, goodbye then," I said, opening my arms to her and starting towards her. She turned towards the door.

"Yeah, OK," she said and walked out the front door, slamming it behind her. I flinched.

What was going on?

**

* * *

**The thought stayed in my mind as I leaned back in my chair at my desk. Across from me, my partner was typing away furiously at his computer. I glanced at him, wondering only for a moment what he was working on so hard, before closing my eyes and sighing. I tried to picture Mary Anne's face in my head; tried to analyze the lines and angles of her expression before she had left that morning.

Her eyes had looked so tired, like she was battling something. I knew that Stacey's nightmares had given us both a week or so with interrupted sleep, but I didn't think that Mary Anne had been so affected by it. She had been looking all right before the past couple of days. Maybe it was just the wear and tear of poor sleep on her mind, but I couldn't help wondering if there was something else going on.

Stacey had been showing the signs of fatigue and fear more so than she usually did. She had dark circles under her eyes and she had stopped brushing her hair again, something she had done following the night of the blizzard. I knew that Stacey was probably worrying herself sick again, but besides trying to comfort and ease her worries, there wasn't much I could do.

"_Bruno!_" Bruce hissed. My eyes snapped open.

"What is it?" I snapped, annoyed at being interrupted.

Bruce frowned. "Were you _sleeping?_"

"Thinking," I replied. "I like to close my eyes when I think."

"Yeah, _right_," Bruce said with a smile. "That's what you were doing. Late night?"

I sighed. Bruce was married with two little kids. He frequently reminded me that I was his connection to the single life and he delighted in knowing what I was up to with Mary Anne. I hadn't even told him about Stacey yet.

"Ashgrove, can I ask you a question?" I asked seriously. Bruce leaned forward and nodded.

"Sure, man, anything."

"Well… I had a fight, at least, I think it was a fight, with Mary Anne this morning."

"What does that mean?"

"She slammed around and snapped at me before slamming out the front door to go to her friend's."

Bruce raised his eyebrows. "What'd you do?"

"That's the thing… I can't even think of anything!"

Bruce shook his head, his floppy blonde hair falling into his eyes like the hunky teenager I knew he still thought he was. "You must've done something, Logan, otherwise she wouldn't have had a cow."

Damn it. I had to tell him about Stacey. Otherwise, he wouldn't understand the situation.

"Well, there's this catch, Bruce…" I looked down at my hands. They were tightened into balls on top of my desk. "See, Stacey and I started sleeping together."

"_Bullshit!_" Bruce gasped. I looked up at him and wasn't too surprised at his expression of shock and disgust. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Well, see, it just kind of happened. Mary Anne was still sick from the rape and we just… well, you know." He shrugged. "Anyways, we tried to keep it a secret, tried to stop, everything, but nothing worked so we ended up telling Mary Anne about it."

"Is that what today was about?"

"No," I said with a sigh. "We told her about us and then Mary Anne said that since she still loved me, she would be willing to share me with Stacey."

"Some guys have all the luck," Bruce groaned, running his fingers back through his hair. It fell back over his forehead. "They both agreed to be with you, even though they knew about the other girl?"

"Yeah."

"So what happened this morning that was any different?"

"Mary Anne and I were talking in the bathroom and while I was in the shower, Stacey slipped in. We were about to start making out when Mary Anne just stormed out."

Bruce shook his head. "Well, duh. Mary Anne isn't happy about this at all. She sounds pissed and jealous."

"She said she wasn't," I replied. "She says she's fine about this."

Bruce stood up and shook his head. "No way. I'm surprised she didn't leave you two sooner. How long has she been putting up with this?"

I felt anger rise up in my chest. "She hasn't been '_putting up_' with anything. She's happy."

"Doesn't sound like it."

"Well, what do you know?" I snapped, getting to my feet.

"All I know, is that if I tried that with my wife, she'd have my clothes out on the lawn before we left the house again."

He didn't know Stacey or Mary Anne the way I did. He didn't know what the three of us had been through together. He had no idea what he was talking about.

"Shut up," I growled.

Bruce narrowed his eyes. "Hey, you brought this screwed up stuff up anyways, Bruno."

Before I knew what I was doing, I was moving fast around the desk to shove Bruce in the chest. He shoved right back, and harder, too. Suddenly, there were shouts and yelling all around the station house and I felt my arms being pulled back. I was being dragged back from Bruce, who looked like he wanted to punch me in the face.

"What the hell is all this?" Chief D'Yaeger shouted up over the commotion. "Ashgrove! Bruno! Break it up!"

He stormed over to where we were facing off, looked back and forth between the two of us then faced me. His eyes were a strange combination of anger and sympathy. I knew he was still feeling bad for me about what had happened to Mary Anne. It seemed like everyone was always giving me that strange, "I'm so sorry for you" look whenever our eyes met. I frowned and shrugged the two rookies holding onto my arms off of me.

"What's going on, Logan?" D'Yaeger demanded. I looked at the ground.

"Nothing, sir. Just some words between Ashgrove and me."

Our Chief sighed. "Well, let's keep things civil, all right? We're supposed to be setting an example here and we can't do that if you're flying off the handle."

I looked back up sharply. "I didn't fly –"

"It doesn't matter what happened," Chief D'Yaeger interrupted me. "Don't let it happen again."

That said, he turned and headed back to his office. I stood still for a long moment before pushing my way back to my desk. Everyone was silently watching me. I yanked open the top drawer and pulled out my set of keys to my truck and the house. I gave Bruce a final, withering look before slamming the drawer shut and walking out of the station house.

**

* * *

**

The ride home gave me a chance to cool down. I felt annoyed now instead of angry, but it was all right. I suspected that many people would feel negatively about the relationship that I had with Mary Anne and Stacey, so I told myself that Bruce was simply one of those people. It didn't necessarily make me feel any better about the whole thing, especially my overreacting, but it at least gave me a sense of calm knowing that it was something that couldn't really be helped.

So I told myself.

I slid into the driveway and turned off the truck's rumbling engine. I sat behind the wheel, flexing my fingers every so often, as I stared at the big wooden house that we all shared. Mary Anne's car was parked in the driveway as well and I didn't know if I was up to facing off with her again. I finally unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door. There was no sense in being afraid of the woman that I loved.

A light misting rain was falling from the sky as I walked up towards the front door. It felt good on my hot skin and I slid off my jacket and loosened my tie as I walked, tilting my head back so that the rain misted my face. I climbed the wooden stairs to the front door and brought out my keys. Before I could turn them and let myself into the house, the door swung open to reveal a very distressed looking Stacey.

"What's wrong?" I asked, taking her hand. It was cold and she was trembling. She was always trembling. "What happened? Did Teddy call again?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Then, what is it?"

Stacey glanced around before leaning in closer to me. "It's Mary Anne," she whispered.

Guiding her back into the house, I kicked off my work boots in the front hall. I wrapped one arm around the blonde girl and gave her a squeeze.

"What's happening?"

Stacey looked up at me with her big blue eyes. Eyes that I couldn't say no to.

"She came home after Kristy's and was fine for a little while. She was telling me about the kids and what kinds of messes they were making all day long." Stacey smiled. "It was really nice, just to talk with her like that. But, then I mentioned how I was looking forward to seeing you tonight and she snapped at me about how I shouldn't throw myself at you like some kind of whore or something."

"She said that?" I asked in disbelief. Stacey nodded.

"She said that I was becoming shameless and for someone who was so terrified of men, I certainly didn't mind having you in my bed."

"That's so weird," I said in a hushed voice. I looked down at Stacey and wrapped my other arm around to give her a proper hug. "Shh, don't worry, honey. I'm sure that whatever this is, it'll blow over. Maybe she's just having a bad day."

"Of course, I'm having a bad day," I heard Mary Anne snap. I turned to look at her.

She was wearing a pair of dark denim jeans with a long cream colored turtleneck sweater and a pair of Mary Jane shoes on her feet. She had her hair up in a sloppy bun on her head and looked like she had been crying. I released Stacey from my arms and took a couple of steps towards my Mary Anne before she held up a warning hand.

"Stop, Logan. I don't want you to come near me."

I shook my head. "Honey, what's going on?"

"_That!_" Mary Anne said loudly, pointing directly at Stacey. The blonde girl seemed to shrink back. "_That_ is what is going on!"

I quickly stepped up to her and took her elbow. Mary Anne just looked up at me angrily, but didn't pull away.

"Come on, let's go upstairs and talk about this privately," I said, remembering that Claudia and Kaylee were probably at home, pretending they couldn't hear us arguing through the walls of their small apartment. I pulled gently on Mary Anne's arm. "Come on, M-A."

She jerked her arm out of my hand. "Don't _touch_ me! I'm not going to talk to you about this."

"Then, at least tell me what is going on!" I cried out, feeling my patience cracking.

"Come on, guys," Stacey murmured.

"Shut up!" Mary Anne yelled at her and I could hear Stacey shuffle towards the living room, obviously anxious to get away from the fight. "It's the two of you that I am so pissed off at."

"What happened?" I asked, forcing myself to remain calm and even toned. I knew that shouting back at her would only make things worse for us and everyone else in the house.

Mary Anne threw her hands up in the air.

"_You slept with my best friend!_" she screamed.

The room seemed to vibrate with tension. I stared back at Mary Anne with wide eyes. I had thought she was okay. She had said that she was okay. I was an idiot.

"You were never okay with it, were you?" I asked softly, after a long minute passed.

Mary Anne's lower lip trembled. "No, I never was. I said I was because I wanted to stay with you. Because I was scared to be without you. But, after seeing Stacey just step into the shower with you, right in front of me, I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Honey –"

"No, Logan! You have no idea what these past few months have been like for me, have you? You have no idea!"

"You're absolutely right," I agreed. "I have no idea, but if we talk about it, maybe I can get an idea."

She shook her head and a strand of her thick brown hair fell out of her bun. I wanted to smooth it back away from her face, but she just left it there, hanging in front of her right eye.

"I'm leaving," she said quietly.

"What?" I felt cold flood through me and instantly a feeling of panic took over. "What are you talking about?"

"I can't be here with the two of you," Mary Anne said. "I'm going to my Dad's and Sharon's apartment. I'm going to live with them."

"No, Mary Anne," I pleaded. "Please don't do this."

"I already have my things packed in my car," she said, not looking at me. "I'll come by later for the rest of my things once I get a place of my own."

"No, Mary Anne."

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me and if you would just leave me alone. You have Stacey. You don't need me anymore."

She started towards the door and I grabbed onto her waist desperately and spun her around to face me. Her eyes were wide in surprise and sudden fear.

"You can't go," I begged. "I love you."

She pushed my hands away gently. "No, you don't."

She turned again and pulled a light blue jacket from off the coat rack. She slid it onto her body and cinched the tie around her waist. Without looking back, she opened the door, stepped outside, and shut it quietly like she was just going out to run an errand instead of leaving me.

I stared at the door for a long time before I felt my knees go weak. I pressed myself against the wall and closed my eyes. Something small and warm slipped into my hand and a gentle kiss pressed against my lips.

"Logan…" Stacey whispered. "I am so sorry."

"Go away," I whispered in returned, turning from her and making my way up the stairs to the bathroom that Mary Anne and I shared. I could hear Stacey's quiet feet make their way up the stairs behind me.

I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I locked it and sunk down on the floor. There was a gentle knocking and Stacey's voice pleading with me to open the door. After a while, I heard her begin to cry. I buried my face in my hands and let out the tears I had been holding in.

"Logan, please open the door!" Stacey sobbed. "Please don't hurt yourself!"

Don't worry, I wanted to say. I won't.

Instead, I simply continued to cry. I heard a thump as I imagined Stacey slumping to the floor. I heard her body press up against the wooden door to the bathroom and sighed heavily.

How could I have been so disastrously wrong?


End file.
